Dreaded usb. Help

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
6878 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

If I found myself in that situation I can guarantee that USB would go “missing.” And, depending on what else is on it (hopefully nothing else really important), I’d wait to see if he goes looking for it. If he doesn’t or didn’t (go looking for it), this is probably not a discussion I’d have.

Post # 17
Member
3951 posts
Honey bee

He downloaded the photos and put them on a USB. That’s not the behavior of an innocent person who was only on the receiving end. I would dig deep and figure out exactly what was (still is?) going on before I closed on a house or got married. And I would march right down to the doctor and get tested for everything under the sun.

Post # 18
Member
10221 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You’re better than me, I would have destroyed all his shit then asked questions. 

Yes, have the conversation. You can’t let him just believe he’s gotten away with whatever shitty ass shit he did.

Post # 19
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

You mentioned that he had recently been looking at pics on that the USB and went shady when you walked in. Sounds like he knew exactly what was on it and didn’t think you needed/deserved to know. Absolutely have that conversation! I’m angry on your behalf! Do not let this slide-baby/house or not! 

Post # 21
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
esbeejay :  i dont think him having the pics means he was physical with the girls. This is a difficult situation. I saw some inappropriate, or maybe just sketchy, comments on my husband’s Facebook page from the 1st or 2nd year we were dating & it hurt me … i ended up just making a comment along the lines of “remind me never to read the comments on your page from back in the day” … he questioned what i was talking about, naturally, since i was vague. And i just replied with the fact that they were old comments so it didnt matter, but i didnt like some of them because we were dating. So, i can relate to some degree. I didn’t want to have a conversation about it because it wasnt going to change anything currently, but i let him know I didnt like them h that made me feel better & able to move forward. If i hadnt said anything, it may have built up inside me until i burst & lashed out at him about something else that was dumb. Im not sure how you are…similar to me or not. If its going to eat at you then you have to at least say something to let him know that you know about the pics. If him revealing the whole truth isnt going to change anything, then i would advise against having a conversation…its not worth it. But if you NEED to know in order to move forward, then you’ll have to have the convo.

Post # 23
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
esbeejay :  your questions & feelings are completely legit. You have to ask him…when you find the right words, are calm…when you feel ready. I know it feels like he’s harboring secrets, but i bet you they dont mean anything to him. He may not have thought to get rid of them because they’re meaningless. I would also bet he didn’t tell you the whole truth because he didnt want to lose you. That makes me think that its actually not stupid for you to be a happily engaged home-buying pregnant couple. I like to try & see things from both sides, and i of course could be wrong. But if he was me or i was him, these would be my real reasons for the pics. 

Post # 24
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I second Peanut-sue. Don’t jump to the worst case scenario just yet if only for your own well-being. Do talk to him though since you have real questions.

Post # 25
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

View original reply
esbeejay :  is he wrong for having the pics to begin with? Yes. After seeing them by chance a month ago, should he have deleted them? Yes. Did he mess up? Yes. Is it malicious? No. Does that make it right? No. Is it forgivable? Yes. Should it affect your relationship today? No. Do you have a right to be upset? Yes. Should you say something? It definitely sounds like you should for your own mental health (and physical too since your pregs … congratulations btw, super exciting). I hope your conversation goes well, that he’s apologetic, & you guys live happily ever after in your new house 💛🤍

Post # 26
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

When you’re standing there in 2 weeks waiting to walk down the aisle will this be on your mind?

when you sign the 47,000 documents to complete a house purchase, binding yourself to several hundred thousand dollar commitment to this person will this be on your mind?

When you’re pushing that baby out and screaming at him will this be on your mind?

whatvablut when you first look at him while you hold your new child together?

what about at 2am on week 3 of new born hell?

 

This will eat you alive if you don’t deal with it. If you talk and feel satisfied with the response, then by all means stick with him. Sometimes the past really is the past. But right now you sound afraid of the answer, because I bet you already know it and you’re not wanting to deal with the consequences of it. It’s MUCH easier to make those difficult decisions now, then in 2 weeks. Regardless of what you decide, you deserve peace of mind as you head into a very stressful and busy stage of life with a lot of changes and a partner you’re questioning.

Post # 27
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
esbeejay :  Well i can say right now if this were me.

This shit definitely wouldn’t fly w/ me. He knew the pictures were there & didn’t think you had or needed to know. You should absolutely have the conversation w/ him. I’m angry on your behalf! 

Post # 28
Member
3252 posts
Sugar bee

I’ll never understand how people can be getting married, intertwining their lives, and having babies and still be afraid to bring stuff up. 

You can bet you left ass cheek my husband would be answering questions. All this nonsense about not wanting to “rock the boat,” there’s no boat to rock if your OH sunk the damn thing. 

If this was your daughter, what would you tell her? 
If this was your best friend, what would you tell her?

Keeping this to yourself is not going to “keep your stress under control,” it’s going to make you internalize that stress, which is arguably much worse for you and baby. 

Be smart. Get the answers. Have the tough conversation. If he’s not the person you thought he was, you shouldn’t want to be with him anyway.

Post # 29
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

Girl he took the time to SAVE THEM to a USB to keep them from you, and then hid his screen when you came by. When a guy tells you who he is, why wont you believe him? It makes me really sad when smart kind women let themselves be fooled like this. He clearly still knows they’re on there and hasnt deleted them, so it’s not just a ‘years old’ issue

Post # 30
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
MrsBtoBe14 :  When a guy shows you who he is, you should believe him. Excatly this! 100%

And the fact that he took the time to save them to a usb, keep them from you & then hid his screen when you came by tells me he really didn’t want you to see or find out about those pics at the time. 

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