- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
I know I’m really lucky, honestly. I am honestly marrying the man of my dreams. He’s sweet, fun, curious, strong, makes me feel supported and desired 24/7, AND is so open, fair and reasonable that he listens to all my concerns and together we find ways to address issues.
It’s just…this wedding planning has brought out the worst in his family. They can be very loving, but they are also extremely attached to “their family” and almost disturbingly invested in keeping him (and me, if they can) in a child-like role. They’re so wrapped up in my fmil as the matriarch, and my fiance as “the sweet idiot child they can all tell what to do” that it makes me want to scream. Like I said, I’m lucky: he’s becoming more and more aware of it and just gets more strongly committed to changing it. I have a little more experience dealing with parental issues, and boundaries/etc in general so he asks me to help. He thanks me all the time and says he can’t imagine the momma’s boy they want him to be, it makes him so frustrated and disappointed in them. Try as they might, I KNOW nothing and no one has a chance of coming between us.
But…it just sucks. We have a dinner coming up with them on Saturday to try AGAIN to put things on our terms, and they’re just so freaking negative and controlling that I fear we wont get anywhere. He’s been the one dealing with them, and while he goes in saying all the right things and any reasonable person would back off and have a real conversation, they just absolutely refuse to hear him and derail the discussion into petty little arguments about other things that are all his/my fault (effectively avoiding being called out on their behavior).
We’ve agreed it’s time for me to start being a part of these talks as well, since they use their relationship with me as blackmail (they straight-up blackmail him, think Jewish guilt like crazy; but for me, they use threats of “surface relationship” and leave me off family emails, etc.). We’ve gone through some new, incredible books that have given us a new perspective and what feels like a much stronger base to start from with them. But I can’t help worry that it’s just going to be more of the same and they’ll refuse to stop using their tactics. He and I have agreed that our response to that will be to spend less time with them, and make them aware of our reasoning, but I know that still hurts him and that sucks. I just hate that they’re willing to devastate him, just to get their way. (Now his sister, as usual, is sticking her nose in and being a little brat about another choice we’re making – that affects only us!)
TLDR: Mothers and sisters, please grow up and find a life outside your adult children and siblings, no matter how freaking cute they were as kids!