Post # 1
So, here’s the situation. My Maid/Matron of Honor (well one of them, I’ve decided on two) has a three year old and a three week old. She does NOT leave her kids with a babysitter for anything but work. She was appalled when another friend of hers suggested they and some other ladies have a kids-free girls lunch one day. (this was a year or so ago, before the new baby…so it was suggested she leave a two year old for an hour or so..not a newborn). She said she does not look forward to any time without her kids. Because of this, we’ve kind of grown apart. I love her but her three year old is very badly behaved. He refuses to be restrained in any way (car seats, shopping carts, being held in a lap, etc.) and if he is, he screams. Because of this, we’ve spent far less time together these past couple of years because I would rather avoid the headache of the situation. For instance, if we were to go shopping, there would be screaming for the 30 minute drive to the mall while he was in the car seat, then screaming for however long we were in the mall while he was in the stroller, then if we were to go grab some lunch, there would be screaming the entire time he was in the high chair, then of course another 30 minutes of screaming to drive back home. I REALLY wish I was exaggerating, but I’m not. She usually just lets him out and lets him run around. But he wouldn’t stay closeby and just play quietly by himself. He runs as far as he can until someone physically brings him back.
So, here’s my dilemma. Do I invite her dress shopping? I know she would not want to leave the toddler at home, but I would not want him to come with. I don’t feel a bridal salon is the appropriate place for a three year old to run wild. I wouldn’t care if the baby came because she is still easily consoled if she gets upset and I wouldn’t expect her to be able to leave an infant. This girl is my cousin and best friend, so we’ve pretty much been friends our whole lives. I would feel awful not asking her to come. But, how do I go about saying, “I want you to come dress shopping with me, but leave the kid at home.”
Post # 3
@taraelisabeth: find a salon with a no kids policy? I don’t really think it’s fair of her to expect you to put up with her kid while you’re dress shoppping. My sister is kind of the same with my nephew, I disagree with most of her parently ideology but to each their own. Personally, I went dress shopping by myself and it was GREAT.
Post # 4
@taraelisabeth: Just go shopping. You’ll find it much easier if you don’t “invite” anyone, at least in the preliminary stages of dress shopping.
Once you’ve narrowed down to style and perhaps one dress, I can see taking a couple of people, not a group, if you feel that you need reasuarance.The Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t the one to give you any reassurance because she is dealing with her children. So be it. She’s got a focus in life that is different from yours, that doesnt’ make her a bad person.
But it’s likely that you will not need someone else’s opinion on The Dress. It’s just a dress it’s not your soulmate (haha someone else posted that today, I like it.)
Post # 5
@MsGinkgo: Hmmm…I might need to check into that no kids policy thing 🙂
@FauxPas2012: It’s not even so much that I feel like I need her there for reassurance. I have plenty of other people for that. I just don’t want to hurt her feelings by not inviting her.
Post # 6
@taraelisabeth: You don’t want her there in the way that she would likely show up (with children in tow.) That may or may not hurt her feelings. So be it.
This is just the beginning of wedding issues that will involve many decisions that will potentially hurt people’s feelings.
But here is something to remember: this really is NOT the big deal to others that it is to you so make you decisions in a calm, confident way and deliver your decisions in a freindly, upbeat way. Assume that your adult friends will accept your decisions like adults, like adults with full lives who understand that not everyone can do everything with everyone.
Post # 7
If you have 2 Maid/Matron of Honor, bring the child-free one. I love kids, but I definitely draw the line about bad behavior in certain places. A dress shop is no place for kids. Give your mom friend the option to come but tell her that you really prefer that she doesn’t bring her kids. (the infant is OK for obvious reasons but no screaming toddler!). If she says that’s not an option, then tell you that you will do initial research with your other Maid/Matron of Honor, and if you find a dress, she can go back and try it on another time. If she is really insistant on being involved with the dress process then just simply tell her that she has to leave her kid at home. If she doesn’t even know about the dress shopping yet, I wouldn’t even tell her. Do the first phase of shopping on your own or with other members of your bridal party and loop her in once more decisions are made.
A more important issue: you mentioned that you two have grown apart a lot over the years. Can I ask why you want her as your MOH??
Post # 8
@taraelisabeth: I think your have 2 options: 1) you either invite her and say “this will be a kids-free event” or 2) don’t invite her at all. There’s no need to cater to her or her little demon of a child for your dress shopping experience.
Post # 9
A bridal salon is not an appropriate place for a toddler. The meeting can be several hours (I think 3 is quite common for ”appointmoint only” salons). And it might be very frustrating for other brides if there is a toddler running around (it would drive me mad). I would invite your friend and tell her about the no-kid event. She’s then free to accept or refuse the invitation. I would expect a good friend to feel fine with getting toddler a babysitter for a few hours, in order to shop with me, if she really wanted to be there.
Post # 10
@taraelisabeth: I put out an email to my friends and family who might go dress shopping letting them know my tentative plans. In the email I stated that it would be an adult-only event. Since everyone it was sent to had kids, I horrified them all equally. Actually, no one was horrified or offended. Unruly kids are fun pirates and they aren’t going to turn my dress shopping into a SUCK FEST! They should turn yours into a shit show either.
Sorry your pal doesn’t want to be away from her kids – it’s admirable. However, you can still have a child free day and do this without her. It really is HER choice to come – she can find a sitter or she can stay home. Her choice.
Post # 12
@MSbride2Bee: She is my Maid/Matron of Honor because we’ve been best friends for 27 years (well, maybe a little less since I’m sure we didn’t know what best friends were at birth!) She is my cousin and we practically grew up like sisters. I still very much enjoy spending time with her..just not her + kid. Honestly, it’s been since her oldest was born 3 years ago. This issue of not wanting to be restrained has been pretty much from day 1. He was a cholicy baby, and it lasted a lot longer than cholic normally does. I think their catering to him for so long due to that contributed to how he is now. When he was a baby they would actually take him out of the carseat to avoid him crying while in the car. (She’s since gotten some sense about that and now calls others out when they improperly buckle their kids in carseats. And yes, I’ve pointed out the hypocrisy to her.) Anyway, so the only reason we’ve grown apart is that this kid is so poorly behaved in both public and private that I don’t enjoy my time with her becuase of all the screaming. But that doesn’t take away the 24 years before that. It would be the same as a sister who I’d just spent less time with. I was also her Maid/Matron of Honor.
@LilRhodyGem: Hmm, I like the group email idea. Then she wouldn’t feel singled out since my other Maid/Matron of Honor and my sister also have young kids.
Post # 13
@taraelisabeth: I second finding a store with a no kids policy. I tried dresses on at a couple bridal salons where they didn’t allow kids under the age of 5 (or something like that). It was such a pleasant experience because most salons aren’t very big to begin with so eliminating screaming, wild children makes it that much more enjoyable. If you do find a salon with this policy, just let her know kiddos aren’t allowed to come and leave the decision up to her whether or not she comes.
Post # 14
Politely say. I have made an appointment at such and such place for such and such time I would love for you to come. Unfortunately when it comes to wedding dress shopping I would love the support of my friends and as much as I know you dont like leaving (insert annoying child’s name here) at home, I would love it if you could leave (childs name) with (insert a person’s name here) so we can pick out my wedding dress. I dont think you should pick a salon with a no kids policy because quite frankly you shouldnt have to sacrifise for her.
On a side note, what is she going to do for your bachelor party, or bridal shower, or wedding for that matter?
I told my Maid/Matron of Honor that she can leave her son with my fiance if she absolutely cannot find a babysitter and told Fiance that if he wants me too look beautiful on the wedding day he would do that for me. He said yes with no further questions asked…3 year old children are generally misbehaved mine is pretty bad but he is not as bad as you described.
Post # 15
@FauxPas2012: +1, this is a good idea. I went shopping half of the time alone. I didn’t have everyone come until my wedding dress arrived for my first fitting.
Post # 16
@Waitingbee57: I think I’m taking this approach. And my other Maid/Matron of Honor has already asked about bachelorette party and shower. I really don’t care too much about either of those things but obviously if they plan them, I’ll go. But I’ve told the other Maid/Matron of Honor that I’m okay without so might not even be an issue with the kids. And yeah, 3 year olds can be a handfull. I’ve got a 6 yr old nephew who I was helpimg raise when he was 3 and a niece who will be 3 in december. While both are work, they are nothing like her child!