(Closed) Drinking changes him…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Film the behavior next time and show it to him.

Post # 5
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

If he doesn’t see anything wrong with the behavior, it’s a BIG problem. You need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you. It would be for me. What if you get married and have a child and he acts like that around them. Do you want your child to experience that behavior? Learn that behavior? He can’t even admit there is something wrong with him acting like that.

Post # 6
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Your Fiance has a drinking problem. DO NOT marry him until he deals with it. My first husband had the same issue. It will only get worse and worse.

Post # 7
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@countrylove914:  I dated a guy like this for 5 years.  EVERY time this guy has a few drinks he got way to drunk and turned into a huge drama queen. I hated it, I was embarassed  this otherwise sweet sensitive guy turned into a completet nightmare in front of our friends, making me look like a fool. I loved this guy with all my heart, and it absolutely broke my heart to leave him, but I grew up with alcoholics in my family, and I know that  if he wasn’t able or willing to make some serious changes then there was no way I was going to tolerate his rollercoaster ride everytime he drank.

If this is as big of an issue as it sounds, then I really hope that you and your partner sit down and talk about this and how unfair it is to you to have to babysit him everytime you go out, and how embarassing it is for you when he acts like that. I would probably look into some counselling as well, this can me a very tough subject to deal with without a pro.

Post # 8
Member
225 posts
Helper bee

If he drinks alot, I would seriously reconsider him.

My ex was the same way… he took me to a WORK party, got super drunk, made an ass out of himself and me, and made me drive home in his car without a license because he promised he wouldn’t drink anything.

Drinkers don’t change. After awhile he started drinking every night while playing video games and get angry drunk and verbally abuse me, threatening to leave and break up every night. Well, in his mind it did happen every night.

It’s not tolerable behavior in the slightest. 

Post # 9
Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’ve been there, both with an ex and my Fiance.

First of all, I think your Fiance needs to be willing to address his behaviour. If he insists that there’s nothing wrong with it and he’s fine, it’s going to be very difficult for him to change since he doesn’t want to.

If he does acknowledge that alcohol turns him into an unpleasant person to be around, there are a couple of things he needs to sort out. First off is why he feels the need to drink that much. You say he becomes a social guy – could it be that he has some social anxiety/is uncomfortable in crowds and thinks he needs the alcohol to relax? My Fiance is like this – he has such bad social anxiety that he gets sweaty and panicky on trains or in crowds. He started drinking heaps partly as a way to control the anxiety. The problem is, they only see how they feel (confident, working the crowd) and not what we feel (embarrassed and mistreated).

If it’s not anxiety related it could be peer pressure. Are his friends big drinkers? Is someone in your social circle considered a ‘wuss’ if they don’t smash down heaps of alcohol? Some people can do this and maintain an OK personality, others (like your Fiance and mine) become absolute arseholes. Their friends often don’t see this or feel the need to prevent it since THEY aren’t the ones dealing with them when they get home and we have to clean up the mess. Often this can mean having a firm chat with friends (“no thanks, I’m cutting back on alcohol”) in a way that does NOT make it sound like you’re forcing him to do it or that he’s ‘whipped’.

Personally, what worked for me was an ultimatum. I got sick of Fiance getting drunk, treating me like crap then saying ‘oh I won’t do that again’ then doing it all over again. I said if this ever happens again, I am leaving you so you better address this behaviour. I didn’t say ‘don’t ever drink again’, more like ‘realise that what you’re doing really upsets me and you’re using alcohol as a coping mechanism’. He did offer to quit drinking but I knew that wouldn’t last. Fiance went to a doctor and went on medication for anxiety and has been better – no drunken incidents for about a year. It does still raise issues with us – I get nervous when we go out to ‘free booze’ events and we sometimes have different definitions of what is an ‘acceptable’ level of drunk – but he was willing to consider my feelings and that is the ONLY reason I stayed. I hope some of this has been helpful.

Post # 10
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

@countrylove914:  I can’t STAND dealing with drunk people. Do not tolerate his child-like behavior. Speak to him about it when he is SOBER. If he doesn’t get the picture then maybe you should look into other alternatives in order to make him recognize he is doing something wrong in the relationship/in general which is not controlling his drinking which in turn causes the need for him to be babysat.

Post # 11
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

First off to determine if he has a drinking problem there are the CAGE questions:

 

Two “yes” responses indicate that the possibility of alcoholism should be investigated further. The questionnaire asks the following questions:

  1. Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?
  2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
  3. Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking?
  4. Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?[1][2]

The most important is the eye opener, most physicians consider a yes to only this one a significant risk factor. Also, it is common for people with a drinking problem to not admit they have a drinking problem until they hit rock bottom, I hate to say this but usually they do not hit rock bottom until they are left by their significant other.

Also there are Al-anon groups for people who have an alcoholic in their life because you are part of the problem, I am not saying this applies in all cases but it applies in most and it certainly applied in mine (my father). We tend to display codependence and enabling behaviors. And people with drinking problems deoend on these behaviors to keep their problem hidden and their life in order.

Lastly the most common way for people with drinking problems to start going to rehab is to be referred by their employer, the reason for this is that they usually know their spouse/family wont leave them but the boss will fire their ass.

Another great option, which only work with psychotherapy or a 12 step program are certain medications, I will list them in case he decides to go to a doctor you can ask about them and know if he’s a candidate for them: 

Disulfiram, Acamprosate, Topiramate, Naltrexone, Flumazenil

They are not all specifically designed for this purpose but are used for it.

Hope this helped and wasn’t annoying lol What I hated most was the fact that I lost absolutely all respect for my father at the times he was drunk, of course it was regained in between but it just sucks to see someone so important in your life in that state. Please let us know how this goes.

Post # 12
Member
8727 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I had a friend that relayed the same story to a group of us friends. None of us found her partners behaviour in public bad or indicative of a drinking problem (I don’t drink so it was also not like we were all enablers either and the few non drinkers had a very clear recollection of the evenings events). We did however point out how her behaviour changed as soon as her SO started drinking. The minute he picked up a drink you could literally see the storm clouds roll over her head and as the night progressed she became increasly snide and naggy in her comments to him and to others about him. She denied this behaviour which obviously meant she was not aware that she was doing it. He started ignoring her and not engaging with her the rest of the night.

We weren’t suprised to hear that her SO lost his cool at the end of a night of being mothered and that it was something they fought about.

Not saying that this is the case here OP but I think it is good to reflect on our own behaviour in situations.

Also never try to argue with a drunk person (alcoholic or not). Their judgement is impaired and you will just end up angry and feeling unheard/frustrated.

Post # 13
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yikes.  I would have left his ass in the car.  One day he is going to do something stupid when he gets too drunk, and he should pay the consequences for it — not you.  If you feel like he cannot control his drinking, I would simply stop going to establishments with him that over-serve like that.  And if he gets stupid, leave him there.  Eff all that noise.

Post # 14
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You really need to sit down with him when he’s sober and discuss this. It can’t continue, especially if the two of you have decided to spend the rest of your lives together. Binge drinking can be a form of alcoholism so it wouldn’t be wrong of you to perhaps suggest him going to councilling or an AA group.

Post # 16
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I dated a guy like this(the guy I was with I think was worst then your man) but anyways he would drink almost everynight..Mind you I tried and tried to get him to stop and get help but he wasn’t ready to stop drinking…I could not deal with him the few points that pushed me over the edge:

  • I woke up to him PISSING in MY basket of clean clothes…

 

  • Passed out in the yard outside

And this last one was the icing on cake… He got tickets with his brother and friends (all of which were big party people on the weekends) to a concert and they were nice enough to also get me a ticket but the singer they were going to see was someone I didn’t like. So I said go ahead and go and I’ll drop you guys of and pick up whoever needs a ride home beside my boyfriend…

So I show up to pick him up I see him walk out (I can already tell he is hammer) and guess what not only is he walking with some chick he’s holding her hand….OK So Im like kinda pissed just hoping its like a friend….

Well he is sooo drunk there is people everywhere….They stop and start MAKING OUT?!?!?! In front of MY CAR!….REALLY?! 

So at this point I lose it…Jump out of my car and I wrecked him…. Everyone saw he had no clue what even happened… I threw him in the car and drove him to his house…The whole ride home he did even know he had made out with her..or anything he thought everything was soooo funny!

 

Needless to say 2 days later I showed up and pack ALL my shit into my car while he sat on the couch crying watching me leave….. I left and never looked back….

 

So about 3 years later he did end up getting help with AA and after he started he called me and we went out to eat so he could making amends..He said he was so sorry for never listening to me….We still talk once in while now and he has been sober for 2 years and loves his life and is soooo happy!!!

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