Post # 1
I am upset about my SO’s drinking habits.
Let me start by saying that I also enjoy drinking. I drink wine almost daily (1, maybe 2 glasses) and I definitely have weekends where I drink in excess. However, “excess” for me is 4 or so drinks and a headache in the morning… excess for SO is becoming completely annihilated to the point of a blackout or near blackout state. He calls this “socializing” … in his line of work (cop) the guys frequently go out to the bar and take pleasure in getting eachother wasted. And no, they are not 22… they are men in their 30’s and 40’s.
I have told him that I don’t like it. He maintains that he only drinks a few nights a week and it isn’t a problem (he drinks basically every night… the “few” nights he is referring to are the nights he gets wasted). The morning after particularly rough nights of drinking, he admits that “socializing with the guys” isn’t an excuse to get excessively drunk… but then the pattern repeats.
He is not mean when drunk. Ever. I have dated a mean drunk in the past and it was hell on earth. The only issue SO’s drinking causes is me fearing that he could become an alcoholic (if he is not already a mild one). I worry about his health. I also worry about his fidelity, he has never given me a reason not to trust him, but when someone is blacked out… how can you hold them accountable for their actions? You can’t, because they don’t know what they are doing… and that isn’t cool.
My past posts were about his political ventures and busy schedule. The election came and went and he is no longer in the race. I think having more free time on his hands contribues to his drinking.
Bees, I am not sure what to do here. I have already expressed I don’t like it, maybe not firmly enough, but in my experience he has to be the one to change himself. Not sure if this is severe enough to issue an ultimatum or if I should just watch and wait, maybe it is a bit of a post election phase? Although, deep down I doubt that is what it is… wishful thinking on my part.
Anyone been through similar?
This topic was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by DariaVixen.
Post # 2
It is difficult for me to respond to this post, knowing all of the other posts you have made about this man. Taken on its own, this would be a very serious problem. But taken with the other posts that you have made about your SO, I think you should be very curious why you are so invested in a person who does not treat you as a priority, who doesn’t seem to want to be *present*–with you, or in his own life. It’s not surprising that he is going out and getting blackout drunk multiple times a week, because he doesn’t seem interested in putting the work into building an authentic, emotionally-connected life with you or on his own.
You are doing all the work of holding this relationship together. You are sharing your emotional needs and covering for your SO when he ignores them. Why? Even ignoring the question of “should I give him an ultimatum, should I stay with him,” your posts paint a picture to me of someone who is not investing in her own life. Why? Your instincts about this man have been spot-on. Trust yourself. Trust your interpretation of events. Figure out what your dealbreakers are and commit to them. Figure out what you want and need to flourish in this relationship, to feel completely loved and secure and like you have the support you need to tackle the world. Communicate what you need to flourish. Pay attention to what he does in response to your needs.
This man is trying to escape his own life. Do not participate in that.
Post # 3
I don’t know your past posts, but this is a serious red flag to me. If he doesn’t slow way down or stop or get help, I’d be out of there and I’d tell him that. He’s making excuses for his drinking which is what people who over indulge in <insert vice here> do.
Post # 4
Hmm.. I think that, looking back at my posts, I paint a picture of someone invested in a man that is not invested in me or us. I assure you, this is not a “he’s not that into you situation.” He has learned my expectations regarding prioritzing the relationship and is showing me by dedicating more time and effort. Have there been… setbacks? Yup. We aren’t perfect, but I don’t feel I am desperately clinging to someone who has no regard for me, by any stretch. Or I WOULD walk…. with much sadness and grief, but I would.
Point being: My one dimensional posts are in times of confusion because I actually do have higher standards than it may seem.
He is a good man, and I do recognize that doesn’t automatically make him the man for me. I post because I do believe he is worth my time and energy.
In his line of work, these issues are very common. Not an excuse, just a fact.
Thank you for your words of advice, particularly about trying to escape his own life. That resonates and is worth pondering.
Post # 5
I agree. I especially am concerned because his mother casually mentioned his father being “a lifelong drinker.” Sensitive subject for SO… and I agree that he is making excuses.
Post # 6
If he is getting blackout drunk the night before he is going to work probably still under the influence. The thought of a cop driving around who got blackout drunk the night before is very disturbing.
He is surely violating his terms of employement. I wouldn’t be with someone who put others at risk by making such stupid decisions and I wouldn’t want your bf to be a cop in my town.
Post # 7
He’s an alcoholic IMO. Being in a certain line of work is not an excuse for a grown man to be black out drunk multiple times a week.
Post # 9
Hi! I think he is probably using drinking as an outlet for work stress. Being a cop is HARD and its super super common for cops to be huge drinkers. I know TONS of cops who binge drink. Its part of the culture, so he is surrounded by people who do the same thing.
Maybe approach it like that and see if he is receptive to change. He needs a new healthy outlet for the stress Since his father was a life long drinker, he already is predisposed to alcohol abuse/ alcoholism.
My DH is a cop so I get it and get the culture. Lucky for me/ him he isn’t a drinker. He drinks occasionally but rarely gets drunk. He is really really into MMA/ Jiu jitsu and that is his outlet for stress.
ETA: You need to sit down with yourself and evaluate if you are to be with him, can you tolerate the drinking. Its totally OK that you can’t, and now is the time to walk away. You cannot change people, so there is the chance that he is perfectly content with how things are and does not want to change.
Post # 10
lookingforadvice77: +1 OP, you’ve been with this guy, what, about 9 months? And you’ve thought about leaving him several times and made a post every couple of months that essentially says he isn’t treating you well or being a good partner to you. You really need to just end this.
sara_tiara: Great GIF.
Post # 11
I didnt know the back story
OP if you already have a rocky relationship, just end things now. Being with a police officer is hard even under the best circumstances and the divorce rate is 75% (or something) for a reason.. maybe its best you part ways and you can find someone more compatible for you.
Post # 12
I really think you need to reconsider this relationship. Look at all your posts from an outsiders point of view. What would you tell your best friend if she were in a similar situation?
Post # 14
There isn’t really any secret for convincing another adult to do something they don’t want to do (cut back on drinking in this case). Be honest about how you feel about it and why. If it is a deal breaker and he won’t quit then you have to move on. If it is not a deal breaker than you accept it and continue the relationship. To me this doesn’t sound acceptable but there really isn’t much more you can do.
Post # 15
He works second shift and he never goes to work still drunk.