Post # 1
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
Do you know anyone who got caught up in wedding planning, nesting, diy home projects, and then they realized marriage was not for them? I am not trying to judge people,and I do understand in some cases it is the only option left.
Just recently in my circle:
Couple A after 10 months
Couple B after 14 months
Couple C after 1.5 years
This has really shaken my hubs and I! It has made us think that if it happened to them it could happen to us. Not that we’re going to be negative and think we’re next or prepare for the worst, but it has reminded us to be intentional and to put effort into our relationship when it is needed. In our case, if we grow “apart” for a few days because we’re caught up with life we gotta reel it back in so to speak. Intimacy (beyond sex) is so so so important. Life keeps us busy, but we should keep ourselves in check to make sure we’re not just going through the motions.
Sometimes it also seems like people are no longer willing to work out their kinks and problems. Things don’t feel or look like they hoped so they walk away. It’s so sad.
Anyway, it just goes to show that a wedding is just an event. We should never lose sight of what’s important. After it’s over and guests go home….that’s what counts. Not the ring, not the gifts, not the (insert random item).
Do you have a ritual, activity, or a “thing” you do to reel it back in?
Post # 3
Member
2478 posts
Buzzing bee
We waited a very long time to get married so it didn’t come as any sort of shock! We’ve had various challenges that we’re currently undergoing and luckily, these are making us stronger rather than weaker.
However, I often wonder whether some of those couples who marry only to split up so quickly have, perhaps, concentrated rather more on the wedding than the marriage.
Only I can see how easy it could be to put all your energies into planning one, allegedly, perfect day only to discover that once marriage, there are many unresolved issues that got lost in the wedding planning process.
So far as keeping track of our relationship is concerned, we do try our best to make time for us. Be that going out to dinner or just visiting favourite places and spending time away from the daily routines of work and home.
Post # 4
Member
6354 posts
Bee Keeper
Haven’t noticed this in my circle, but we have a later age of marriage/longer period of dating average than the general population, I think that’s a factor.
Post # 5
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
@Steampunkbride: Yeah, especially with Pinterest, and other wedding sites. Although they are useful tools, people compare left and right. So much emphasis and pressure to have a storybook wedding and the perfect ring/cake/etc.
Totally get what you mean by making you stronger and not weaker. We went through really rough times through out our 1st year (we eloped in August 11′). I’m not going to lie…I questioned things during that period. At one point I asked myself if I had made the biggest mistake of my life. But I can say today that those trials made us stronger and allowed our relationship to mature. We are happier than ever and I feel so connected to my husband. We both feel like if we got through that we can truly face anything in life! I have no doubt we can overcome any obstacle together.
Post # 6
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
@LuluInLove: Although you might find it worrying, I think it’s great that you have been given an opportunity to realize how important maintaining intimacy is in your relationship! Even though it is common sense, it can get so easy to forget that when life gets crazy or to think that it would never happen to you. I think the things that my SO and I struggle with have definitely brought us closer and I’m confident that we are both able and committed to work (key-word!) through whatever comes our way.
One thing that we do that is important to me in order to maintain intimacy is to spend some time each day with each other without distraction. We eat dinner almost every day together without our cell phones, no tv, just talking with the other person and hearing about their day. We usually ask each other questions like what the best part of the day was, or to list 3 things that we are grateful for. It sounds cheesy but I really look forward to that time with him!
Post # 7
Member
3075 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: April 2013 - A court...
Though, very rarely has anyone gotten divorced in my family (only divorced people I know are dhs parents and with good reason ) but I do worry, especially since were young as well. I don’t know what we do, but we just appreciate the little things we do for each other, and every month on the 5th (dating date) and 29th (wedding) we just get happy and kiss. We dont celebrate it, just ackniwledge it and remember how we came to be 🙂
Post # 8
Member
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
We’re an older couple (mid/late thirties) and most of the couples we know are dating/engaged. I feel that it’s really important in a relationship to work as a team and accomplish goals/achievements together, no matter how big or small. Since my husband and I met gaming, we’re used to working together (we call it co-op mode) and it really keeps us close. I think that our relationship is different from someone else’s relationship, so when other couples split up/divorce it doesn’t bother me.
Post # 9
Member
3551 posts
Sugar bee
We keep our relationship strong by being a team, communicating, ect. As far as what we do day to day to maintain intimacy is we cuddle before getting up and before going to sleep everyday. We carve out at least 10 or 20 minutes where it’s just us with no distractions (though sometimes our guinea pigs join the cuddling too :P). It keeps us bonded and we use it as an opportunity to discuss things that have been on our minds.
Post # 10
Member
2608 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
I’ve seen this a lot too in my circle of friends and acquaintances. One woman I know got engaged, married, divorced, engaged, and married again all in three years! Thankfully her second marriage is going on 5-6 years now and they seem to be going strong but the whole thing kind of blew my mind!
Two friends are still married but both have been talking divorce for awhile – in both these cases the women admit they settled and thought they could change their husbands after they were married. *face palm* Why??? Haven’t they heard the old saying “You can’t change a man” ? One hoped her husband would just give up his gambling addiction and the other thought her husband would become less jealous and controlling. Neither worked.
Then I have a handful of friends all divorced because someone cheated within 1-4 years. A couple had kids and have gone through some trying times. One couple, their son was born after the divorce. Another, the wife ran off with the children to another state to try and keep them to herself. Eventually the father found them and was granted joint custody. He’s a great father and was so devastated when this happened. It really has been heartbreaking to watch people I know go through these experiences.
On the other hand most of FI”s friends are still very happily married.
It definitely makes us value our relationship. We want to put in the work, we know it won’t always be easy but we know it is worth it to always work things out. Communication is so key.
Post # 11
Member
12244 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
@housebee: Co-op mode is now the single best relationship term I have EVER heard!
Post # 12
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
I can see how wedding planning can ruin a relationship..while its fun..its stressful having to deal with so many choices and meeting so many people . Ive only started in the past two weeks and I can tell the fiance is stressed about the amount of money itll cost
Post # 13
Member
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
I have had two couples close to me all but come to a divorce within two years of their marriage. Both for very different reasons!
Over the past year/several months though, they have continued to work on it and somehow made it through the other side!
Post # 14
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
I have noticed it a lot in my circle, probably 5 divorces within 2 years or less in the marriage. We try to not do things just because it’s the next step of being together which seems to be the issues with my friends. They just caught up being together so long so they just assumed marriage was the next step and really didn’t evaluate it. We like to do what’s right for us and not what is the normal next step so if it means taking jobs and being long distant for a time or putting off on something for years we will do it but we really don’t like to feel the pressure to just do something because it’s seen as the next thing. We have even agreed that if it doesn’t happen we are fine just being committed to each other for years without the marriage
Post # 15
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
@Sassyfras27: Yes! Well said & completely agree : )
@atreyu547: That’s super cute. We don’t make a big deal out of anniversaries and stuff like that either but it’s a big deal in our heart. In some cases I see so much more love between couples who do than than those who go all out (not all cases are like that of course).
@housebee: We do that too! We do our own thing but sit in the same room while we do it…we have multiple names for it but Co-op is a great one. I’m going to steal that….ha
@anemone681: Yeah, and I actually forgot to list the 4th couple. They divorced last year though and lasted 12 to 13 months at most. I feel like what you described is a main theme I see as well. One of those couples had a Destination Wedding, bought a house and started DIY updates, and was getting ready to TTC. That’s so much pressure and so many steps for a new and couple especially one in their 20 somethings age group. But those were the logical steps so that’s what they did. That’s what you’re “supposed” to do in life so they just went through with everything. They were in love though and were compatible, responsible, and a great match. This doesn’t just happen to immature couples. This literally can happen to anyone. There were deeper factors than that, it’s not my place to say they shouldn’t have divorced. However, all that does put a toll on a relationship.
Anyway, I wish all bees who are planning their weddings the very best. I wish they could all grasp this before diving in too deep. I was lucky in a way because we eloped and then we had a wedding celebration a bit over a year later. I knew better than to get caught up with planning or anything else for that matter.
Post # 16
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
@Ms_Purple: +1 “It definitely makes us value our relationship. We want to put in the work, we know it won’t always be easy but we know it is worth it to always work things out. Communication is so key.”