(Closed) Unable to be in party due to wedding dress

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Can’t really help since I had all mine wear different dresses.  I did have to veto a dress because it was backless so it’s not reational but if a bride wants a certain “look” they got to have it cuz that’s how we pictured it. 

I can see if you’re cousin was upset since it makes you stand out and if you’re not the Maid/Matron of Honor it may be a problem.  I wonder if she will let you wear a black jacket or boloreo with the dress she picked out?  that way it’s still somewhat the same look but you would be covered.

Post # 4
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999


I can understand uniformity but if one of my Bridesmaid or Best Man didn’t want to wear a dress we’d find something everyone was comfortable with!

Your dress is much nicer, the one your cuz wants is WAY too short and will not look good on most.

Sorry you’re dealing with this but it seams that cuz’s mom does not know the whole story.  You should call her and talk to her.

Post # 5
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

You should have said to your aunt “Well if she just asked me to be nice then I guess this is working out for the best!” That first Jcrew dress is pretty revealing and I can understand why you might feel uncomfortable. If you really can’t wear it for the day and she’s not willing to make any changes for you then I think you’ve worked out the best deal. Everyone else should just butt out.

Post # 6
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

First of all, I don’t think you should go against your beliefs or comfort. It sounds like being modest is something you have stuck to for your whole life, you shouldn’t have to change it on behalf of someone else. It sounds like you and your cousin have come to an understanding so I would ignore everyone else who is trying to create more drama. Just tell them you both have reached an agreement and you are still excited to be taking part in your cousin’s wedding. 

I understand that some brides want uniformity but I love the looks when the bridesmaids are in different dresses. If you change your mind to be in her party, would she let you wear a sweater over the dress or use that dress but make alterations so that you are comfortable? This option could end up being costly but I know people on here can get very creative and help you with suggestions as to what to wear over the dress. 

Stick to your gut, you have to do what’s best for you. Good luck!


Post # 7
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

Hm… Maybe she is more hurt than she let on during your phone call. It sounds like she is being a bit passive aggressive since she’s upset. However, I’m not sure she realizes she’s damaging your relationship by her actions now.

I was in a wedding where the other Bridesmaid or Best Man made a shawl out of the dress material to make her dress appropriate for her style (it was originally strapless). As a bride-to-be, I think if I really wanted someone in my wedding with that requirement, I’d just go for mismatching them all, but I can honestly understand requesting someone wear what I want regardless. If they then backed out, I’d be totally ok, but some people take things like that more emotionally (I’m more of a thinker than a feeler, and your cousin might be more of a feeler; does that make sense?).

I would honestly just give her a call and talk again about how she feels if you want to put her at ease. It seems like it’s her problem at this point and she is badmouthing your decision and needlessly involving other family members.

Post # 8
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

haha i agree, the dress you picked out is actually much prettier.  sounds like your cousin was acting like she understood to your face, then spinning a different story to her parents.  i feel the same way that some of the PPs do- my girls will be in different dresses. I am planning on picking out a bunch and having them choose ones they feel most comfy in/would suit them the best.  sorry your cousin couldn’t be more understanding.

Post # 9
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

you did what was best for you. if she won’t let you wear a dress you’re comfortable with, or won’t let you cover up that dress with a sweater or pashmina, her priorities are out of whack.

Post # 10
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

That sucks.  Fortunately I’m only having one attendant so uniformity isn’t an issue, but I can see how a bride would want it.  If it were me, I’d just find one dress everyone could be comfortable in (honestly, that’s not a very flattering dress unless all of her BM’s have bangin’ bodies) so it’s not an issue.

On the other hand, when you agree to be a bridesmaid, you pretty much agree to wear whatever the bride puts you in.  We all hope the bride will be empathetic to all of her bridesmaid’s tastes and comfort levels, but sometimes you’ve just got to give up a day of comfort in order to participate in someone’s wedding.  That’s what you do for friends and family.

Could you guys maybe compromise?  Would she be okay with you wearing a wrap with the dress or something?

Post # 11
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Total sidenote, but what if you compromised on the same material? http://www.jcrew.com/wedding/Wedding_Bridesmaid/dresses/cottonsilkfaille/PRDOVR~30070/30070.jsp&nbsp’ defer=’defer; This is the same material, and the dress is really not revealing (just doesn’t look so awesome on the model).  My Future Sister-In-Law is wearing this one (so I’ve seen it on people).  How many bridesmaids is she having?  Would one really throw it off?  I personally love the look of different dresses – but, as someone else said, I’m biased since my girls are wearing different dresses from J Crew but in the same color.

Post # 12
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I would never ask a bridesmaid to wear something she wasn’t comfortable with. I kind of equate that with the brides who freak out about their bridesmaids’ hair colour or tattoos.

That said, she has stated that she’s not willing to compromise on a different style, and since she’s footing the bill for the dresses there’s not really much leverage for you.

I’m not exactly sure why your aunt is taking it as a personal slight to your cousin that you won’t wear something you’re not comfortable in, especially since, as you said, you’re not all that close to her and were surprised to be asked to be a bridesmaid in the first place. But it sounds like you’ve handled things very well so far, and I would just keep being diplomatic about it if your aunt keeps bringing it up.

Post # 13
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I seems like the problem here is the Aunt, unless you know for sure that your cousin told your aunt a different story than what actually happened.



Post # 14
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I understand her desire for uniformity.  I see absolutely nothing wrong since it is her wedding and her wish.  However, I also see nothing wrong with you declining because it is outside of your comfort zone.  It is as much your prerogative as is hers to make your independent points of view clear.  

Why families need to complicate things that could be easily simplified, I have no idea!!!

Kudos to both of you!

Post # 16
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

As a bride, it is not important t me that my bridesmaids look the same. All 6 of my bridesmaids are picking their own gowns (same color), because I want them to be comfortable in what they are wearing.  

Good job for sticking to your guns.

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