(Closed) Drug Addict Cousin COMING TO MY WEDDING? Advice Please!! (Long)

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t know, but i had a brother who struggled with drugs. It’s not easy to be on the inside and not easy for the parents and family to deal with. Has rehab been brought up? My brother had to hit rock bottom before he went but when he got out and got clean, it was like night and day. Amazing.

You could just not invite that family….

Post # 4
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m not sure what advice to offer; this situation seems very complicated and I’m SO sorry you’re having to deal with it.  There’s always a chance he won’t come (hopefully, your wedding is not high on his list of priorities). 

I hate to ask, but will you have security at your venue?  I know some venues require it.  If so, you can always give security a heads up to watch him carefully and the second any funny business happens, escort him out quietly.

Other than that, I’m not sure what to say; good luck w/this and hopefully some family can chip in w/suggestions

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Then why don’t you just not invite the whole family? It sounds like a bad situation to have two alcoholics AND a drug addict there. Instead of fixing it, I’d just start cutting ties away. It’s your wedding and if you don’t want THEIR drama there, then it’s for members of their family to deal with, not you guys. Trust me, if my brother was alive and wasn’t clean by the time we got married, he wouldn’t have been allowed to come. Plain and simple. You HAVE to set boundaries with these kind of people.

He won’t go to rehab unless he wants to go. It takes time for some. Some never care enough to clean up, which is really unfortunate.

Post # 7
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with previous posters that distancing yourselves from these people seems like the right thing to do, and you could start out by not inviting them to your wedding. Maybe having some consequences for their behaviour (like not being invited to important family events) would help this guy’s parents to wise up!

However, if you absolutely need to invite these people, why don’t you get some security at your wedding. This could just mean getting some large and responsible groomsmen or family members to keep an eye on the cousin, or you could even hire some off-duty police officers. Considering the embarrassment and money lost if this guy steals from you and your guests, it might be well worth it to hire someone. Just having security people around will probably keep the cousin from doing anything.

Edit: Just thought of this: If you make sure the cousin knows there’s going to be security people at your wedding, he may just decide not to come! Smile

Post # 8
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i would keep someone by the gifts and money during the wedding… my Fiance brother is and was like this, would steal stuff to sell so he could buy his fix and he stole from his own parents, but if your given money, well thats easier

Post # 10
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

or… if you have some trustworthy men on your side of the family, have a talk with them about the situation and ask if they would be willing to escort him to the door, call him a cab and send him home? that way if he comes and becomes a problem, your decision will be obvious and required and you are not asking HIS family to do it and cause WW3 but you will still be prepared for it

Post # 11
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it will be really stressful if they do come (so basically you’ve got a catch-22 on your hands)…but I DO think hiring some security JUST for the purpose of that isn’t a bad idea by any means.

And I really advise against confronting an addict and getting in his face. Anybody who’s worked with addicts before will tell you this is the quickest way to end up with trouble on your own end. They don’t operate by the same rationale…if he treats his parents poorly and steals from them, well, you definitely don’t want someone like this coming after you. Not to mention, I doubt you’re going to scare him off. He may do it just to piss you off. Just calmly let him know if he’s going to show up to your wedding high and cause troubles, you’ve hired someone to escort him and arrest him on the spot. You’re not calling to threaten him, you’re calling to warm him kind of a thing.

Yelling and getting in the face of someone who is high is really not going to be productive. It does not work. There is no rationale there. They don’t act like themselves…what’s going to stop him from grabbing you right then and there and hurting you? I’m not even kidding.

Post # 14
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I only say that because I almost got into it with my brother once. Tough love just does not work. Nothing does. They have no qualms against acting out against loved ones (like i said the drugs change them…my brother would NEVER hurt a fly before and yet a few times my mom was like “he took money out of my wallet” and would hit walls and stuff. VERY unlike his pre-drug self), let alone someone who isn’t immediate family (like you).There is nothing stopping this guy from grabbing you around the neck to teach you a lesson just cuz he’s pissed.

Oh man since you have some tough uncles on your side (a Juvi officer?! PERFECT. Surely he knows a, er, ‘buddy’), I’m sure they will totally completely understand if you ask a little favor of them. They’re probably used to it anyways since i’m guessing the cousin comes to all family events.

Hopefully he’s too busy doing his shady business to come to your wedding. I think you should definitely let them know (your FI’s uncle) that no shady business will be tolerated at your wedding and whiel you understand John has a drug problem, if he shows up high, you’ll have him removed. Plain and simple.

My heart goes out to you guys…it’s such a complicated situation.

Post # 15
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

well its not so much infriging… you could ask for it as a wedding gift, if things were actually to become a problem.. which they might not, its one of the best gifts someone could give you… just be warned since you are inviting him, that bad things may happen but its not the end of the world and your wedding isnt ruined, the party goes on! and its always gonna be your day, consider yourself lucky to have someone willing and able to do that as a gift, actually i used to be a “rent-a-cop” and i would gladly do that for someone i know if they really needed it, it would be an honour, its like being asked to be a bridesmaid, your happy to be a part of the bridal team!

Post # 16
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

If you worry about being indiscreet, then there’s no need to be specific when speaking to FI’s uncles.  You can just say that the cousin has a history of overdoingit at social functions and you would prefer that he not be elft alone near valuables because “people get confused” and “accidents happen.”  No need to go into all the sordid backstory.  They’re probably well aware of his problems anways, being related to him and all, and won’t need much in the way of an explanation. 

It might be best, though, if Fiance does the asking in this case.  There are things he can say about his family that might be taken the wrong way (even if true) coming from you.

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