(Closed) Dry wedding shower

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
QuietStorm :  Your explanation of your “friend” is exactly why all of us are questioning why she is a bridesmaid, or invited for that matter. I understand that alcoholism is a disease (daughter of an alcoholic) but that doesnt give her an excuse to be obnoxious or rude. If one of my bridesmaids decided to sneak in a flask or come drunk (alcoholic or not) they would be asked to leave.

I think the thing that most people are hitting on is that enabling her is allowing her to bring alcohol to a function (even though it is dry), and then disrupt said function.

Post # 34
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would say this in general most people who are true alcholics will find a way to make it work – don’t be surprised if she comes with a huge “coffee mug” full of something –  you aren’t going to change her and if you aren’t willing to cut ties than I say just roll with it and what happens happens. If she sneaks booze into places all the time I am sure she knows how to be quiet about it and DL

I would say if anything being all hypervigilant and in her face with your wedding coordinator policing her (and sniffing her drink? making her pour it out before she gets in the park?) is what will set this thing off into a fight. Let the wedding coordinator worry about the shower, your friend worry about what is in her cup and I bet everything will be fine (for the shower…. now in life and at the wedding are other stories but …)

Post # 36
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
QuietStorm :  Advice is what many of us are trying to give you. Obviously, you have chosen to have her there. That is your call. All I can say if if she gets out of hand stick to your guns and kick her out. I just hope that you arent back on the forums in a month or so talking about how she ruined your shower. Hope you have a lovely shower bee, thats all anyone wants for you.

Post # 37
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would say that to me that doesn’t sound like enough alcohol – how many ppl will be at each table? if it the standard 8- 10 I would say that only estimating 1.5 glass each for the whole night is probably low but you know your crowd better

my whole point is this – you know your friend doesn’t go anywhere without a drink so don’t expect your bridal shower to be different….. you don’t have to do anything to accomidate this (like go out drinking before) but I also wouldn’t do anything to try to prevent it (besides mentioning its illegal though that is highly unlikely to scare her) because that is what will cause the blow out.

I am not going to comment on if you are enabling, if you should force her into rehab, if you should kick her out of the wedding, if she will make an ass of herself at the wedding, if she will have a long happy life or anything else cause honestly I dont see your wedding shower as the time or place for that fight

the chance that anyone will get in legal trouble (ie from the cops) for having a mimosa in a coffee mug in the park at a wedding shower is so tiny that it doesn’t even register IMO – probably more chance that lightening will strike!

Post # 39
Member
3666 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

You’re worrying too much about stuff that is outside your control. If your Bridesmaid or Best Man sneaks in alcohol and your coordinator pours it out, that’s their issues. You chose to have her in the wedding. It’s up to her what she does with that. You are way to invested in worrying about her needs and worrying about what the coordinator is going through in her life. If you want her in your wedding party, that’s fine. However, you can’t try to control what will happen when she’s there. Your behavior sounds codependent. You are way too invested in worrying about what other people are going to do (BM and coordinator). Worry about yourself and getting your own needs met. Let go of those things you don’t have control over. Are you getting your needs met in this situation? You are taking care of the Bridesmaid or Best Man and coordinator’s needs, but who is taking care of your needs? 

Post # 41
Member
7930 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I would have to agree that if this woman functions at all in the “real world”, she has to be well experienced in sneaking alcohol where it isn’t allowed. If she cannot go without it for a couple of hours for a wedding shower, then she must have coping strategies for almost everything in life. I mean, that sort of dependence wouldn’t allow a person to do much at all, including everyday things like grocery shopping and other errands, even if the person doesn’t hold a job. I’d also worry about how she gets from place to place if she is constantly drinking.

Either way, let her know, and let her know that teh coordinator will be watching her. Yes, that may be enabling her, but it appears you are not averse to that, and it is the emost efficient way to allow her to make a plan to sneak her alcohol (as you know she will). If you warn her, then there is nothing else you can do.

Post # 42
Member
7235 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

She’s likely pre-gaming any time she goes anywhere, OP. I don’t think you should cancel your shower or miss out on having any events simply because of this person’s addiction and illness. As much as possible, I think you should establish the boundaries (whether directly with her or (even better) by giving a heads up to the people who will be hosting the various events you are having) and then decide who will be the one to deal with her if she gets out of hand. My number one vote- the person who has vowed to love and cherish and take legal responsibility for her and her public behaviors. I’d simply have a conversation with her husband and have an agreement that as long as she seems to be doing well and behaving appropriately (whether or not she’s finding a way to drink at a dry event), then nothing happens. If, at any point, she seems to be getting out of hand or losing control and getting drunk, then he will quietly escort her out of whatever event she is at (that includes your wedding). I’m guessing it likely won’t be the first time he’s had to take her home early because she was intoxicated.

I understand loving someone who has an illness and trying to find a way to continue forward and include them as much as possible. I really hope that you don’t let your loyalty to her surpass your loyalty to yourself and your future spouse. These events are to celebrate the launch of your lives together. I hope that you enjoy them and that all of the people who love and support both of you can remember that that is what they are attending these events to do and behave accordingly.

Post # 43
Member
2340 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I wouldn’t worry too much about this. If her alcoholism is so severe that she can’t go more than a couple of hours without drinking, presumably she must be very good at sneaking alcohol into places where it isn’t allowed without getting caught. I wouldn’t even mention it to your coordinator because that is likely to cause unnecessary stress for her and really, I don’t see any potential upside to her policing your friend.

Post # 44
Member
855 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
QuietStorm :  Are you worried about her drinking and causing a scene, or are you worried about the coordinator triggering a scene by taking alcohol from her if she intends to bring it? It sounds like you are worried the two women will get into an embarrassing argument, not the behaviors of your friend from drunkenness?  If that is the case, than you can either decide not to tell your friend that the event is dry and up your chances of her not having alcohol with her.  Or, you can warn her in advance by letting her know that it is not legal in the park and that the event will be supervised and that it could get you fined (expense you can’t afford while planning a wedding) and removed from the park as an entire group and ruin your shower.  You can’t fault the coordinator for wanting to be firm on the issue if she is trying to establish a reputation of trust with her vendors.  If you know her well, perhaps telling her about your friend and her -OH dependency problem and ask her to hold off on playing drink police with her. She’s likely more concerned about visible open containers and multiple people getting out of hand, and if your friend keeps it on the DL, she’ll be fine (if she behaves).  

Post # 45
Member
6584 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My alcoholic Brother-In-Law just puts vodka in a water bottle and doesn’t directly breathe on anybody. But he seems much more smooth about his alcoholism than your friend. I hope it all works out well for you. 

The topic ‘Dry wedding shower’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors