Post # 1
He’s Focused on His Career
Many men place the same emphasis on their career as some women do on their relationship status, which means that unless he’s made a name for himself at the office, he likely won’t be asking you to take his. Lisa Daily, author of How to Date Like a Grown-Up, says, “Most men want to have all their ducks in a row before proposing — they want to feel secure about their career prospects and financial situation before taking on a wife.”
So, here’s my problem. The argument that a man needs to be secure in his career/financial situation before marriage is kinda outdated. It made sense when women were destined to be housewives/mothers and the family needed a single steady source of income. But these days the man and wife both work full time and will till the day they die. But I constantly hear men make the excuse that they want to feel like they can provide for their partner before they get married. Really? Why? Because in the end, you still aren’t supporting your partner because she’s working full time and in a lot of cases is actually the breadwinner. I would like to feel like I am Megan Fox hot. Doesn’t mean I won’t get married till I’ve accomplished that. It’s not realistic.
Also, if you have time for a long-term girlfriend, you have the time for a wife. If you could date her/live with her as boyfriend and girlfriend, why do you suddenly not have time or career stability for her to change her last name? So, where is the argument? Seriously. I constantly observe strong, competent, successful women, who juggle great careers, interesting personal lives and even an education on top of that. Why does it seem guys can barely juggle a career and video games? Why are we expected to bend over backwards for someone who must be convinced to lift a relationship finger? How did that happen? And why are they still allowed to claim the “I must be able to support you 1st” argument if, in a lot of cases, that is never the end product?
WARNING: I think I’m super cranky today, so yes, this may seem sensitive and extreme. But despite my craziness I’m sure I at least made on good point. Right? I know this doesn’t apply to all men, I just wanted to address a trend that I’m noticing. Either way, I’d like to hear your thoughts on the matter.
Post # 3
I am with you on this one I think its just another bs excuse to delay engagement. I get wanting to be sure you have a some what stable job but things happen and you cant have everything perfect or no one would ever get married
Post # 4
You’re preachin’ to the choir sister. I have been telling my SO in so many ways that things don’t need to be perfect (especially the job situation) for us to move forward. I make more money than he does and if we were to combine incomes (we don’t live together) then we would be fine but wouldn’t be thriving. I think sometimes SO wants to be the best version of himself when he gets married. I guess I’ll have to keep convincing him that things will never be perfect and you can’t wait for it to be.
So, I agree with you.
Post # 5
I’m 100% with you. I also feel like it is often an excuse to avoid any kind of “change” in the relationship.
Post # 6
I wholeheartedly agree… it’s easier to become successful as a team, anyway. Especially if you’re not living together or sharing expenses beforehand. Combining incomes definitely helps with getting ahead.
Post # 7
I’m not sure that I can jump on the cosigning boat with this one. I think that there is a lot to be said about a man wanting to be able to support his family no matter what his SO currently makes. Marriage, to a lot of men, means more than just a ring and a wedding date. It’s a coming of age to them and it forces them to grow up in a way that they may not be ready for. Moving in has no requirement for that level of security. It simply means paying half of the bills. Marriage and children is a whole nother step. It’s one thing if he is not doing anything to advance in his position, but if he is actively making strides to be where he wants to be financially, I see no point in putting your proverbial foot down to make him propose simply because it’s not on the woman’s schedule. On the other hand, if he has no plans and has made no gestures to advance, then obviously it’s just an excuse and I see your point.
Post # 8
I hear ya. SO is all like “I want to be able to take care of you!” And while that’s really sweet and all, I’m 28 years old. I’ve been taking care of myself for ten years….
Post # 9
What if she loses her job? What if her job won’t allow her to return to work or she has to take unpaid leave? I don’t see anything wrong with a man wanting to be financially ready and settled in a career before wanting to get married.
But, IMO, if you are dating, you should figure out if your partner plans on marriage at some point. Some people do, some don’t. If you’re partner does want marriage eventually, well, then decide how long you want to wait around for him to be ready, and if he is playing games and making excuses, leave his sorry a$$ behind and move on.
You can’t wait around forever, and only you can decide what it takes for you to wait for him, and when you’re done waiting. My life motto is “if you don’t like something, change it, and if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.”
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
Great rant. I love it!
One thing I have been holding back is “so why should “I” marry “you”? Gender roles have changed. Women do EVERYTHING. We deserve medals 😛
Post # 11
I think it’s outdated in theory, but many men still feel that way. You could argue that this is wrong. But then again, it’s still exclusively women waiting around to be asked to be someone’s spouse. What’s up with that? That doesn’t sound very progressive either. As a modern woman, why not propose to HIM?
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
Because our traditional men shudder at the thought! I got as far as getting to choose the ring together. I think that’s progress… LOL
Post # 13
@sherryberry: We do deserve medals!!!! 🙂 We are fucking awesome!
Post # 14
I whole heartedly disagree with you ladies and completely agree with the article. Yes, I work and will long after marriage. However to marry a guy who is NOT financially established with a good job, solid career is just straight up stupid in my opinion. No, he’s not supporting me entirely per se. But he most certainly needs to be able to afford to have children, pay a mortagage and finacially contribute to the household, AS DO I.
Money (if I remember correctly) is one of the top 2 things couples argue about. I’d never opt to marry a guy who didn’t have his career and finances ready for me, the kids and the house that come along with marriage. The same is expected of me. And he’d be stupid to marry me otherwise.
Post # 15
@sherryberry: From an independent, modern woman’s perspective, isn’t that more appalling than him wanting to be financially stable before he marries?
Am I the only one who sees the irony in saying: I am an independent woman who can take care of herself, so why doesn’t he propose already?!
Post # 16
@AprilJo2011: I don’t think you’re the only one saying that. But are you suggesting a man propose to a strong, independant woman even if he is not established and finacially stable?