Post # 1
Hi Bees, I’m very upset and just needed to vent. My Maid/Matron of Honor backed out of the wedding a couple days ago and I’m still having a hard time dealing. I’ve been best friends with her for years. When I got engaged last September I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather have as my Maid/Matron of Honor. I’d been equally as close to another girl who I made my Matron of Honor, because she’s married and has 3 beautiful little girls. All 3 of us are very close friends.
As the planning went on, my Maid/Matron of Honor contacted me less and less. I tried not to talk about getting married, b/c I know how annoying it can be to talk someone’s ear off about your wedding. I knew she was busy with her school and her business, and I’m not one of those brides that think everyone’s life has to go on hold b/c they’re getting married. I’m totally in the “They’re Bridesmaids, Not Slaves” camp.
Long story short, she singlehandedly ruined my bach party by treating the other girls rudely and cutting the night short because she “didnt feel like being out anymore” and “Was PMSing”. She caused alot of discomfort between the other girls on various other occasions and finally the Matron had enough.
The Matron gave her a hefty dose of “stop your childish behavor”. The fight is between them and it got to the point where I told them both that I didn’t want to know, was tired of them hen pecking eachother to death, I couldn’t take sides, that they were both my friends… Well 21 days before the wedding the Maid/Matron of Honor backs out over FACEBOOK blaming it on her falling out with the Matron.
I’m upset with the Maid/Matron of Honor for not being able to put her differences with the Matron aside and stand up with me and my husband on our wedding day. But I’m even more upset at her crappy behavoir and how she treated everyone at the bach party. In the end it’s better that she’s not in the wedding party. It just sucks to lose a friendship over a wedding. I know I’m not alone in having this happen. Why does such a happy time bring out the worst in others?
Post # 3
Why does such a happy time bring out the worst in others?
Think of it this way instead: People’s true colors shine through during wedding planning. I guess she was never really that wonderful a friend.I know that hurts. I was livid when my husband’s best man cancelled on voicemail. (Same as the facebook thing, real classy and courageous, huh?)
We still invited him to the wedding and there was no RSVP. Not even a “no”. So my husband hasn’t spoken to him since. He realized this guy was just a “user” not a real friend.
I know it’s hard and hurtful but at least you found out now. And you know your “friend’s” true colors. She could have at least called you or told you over lunch or something 🙁
Post # 4
I agree…. it feels horrible when you find out a friend is not as invested in actually making a friendship work as you are. My mother gave me some good advice a long time ago when I was having a problem with a girl friend of mine. She said to stay away from “emotionally draining and easily offended people”
It is not that friends can’t lean on you for support or that you can say/do whatever you want in the friendship and not expect people to take offense, it is just that some people thrive off of them controlling your mood, plans and outcome of events.
When you take the “fun” element away for them… they will lose interest and move on to their next victim. Sorry you had to go through this and be stuck in the middle of a quarrell.. but at least you know now which of your friends truly care for you!
Post # 5
I agree with @Just_Squeeze. Weddings bring out peoples’ true selves – and not always for the better.
My friend dumped me after her wedding for my “behaviour.” By which I mean, I have social anxiety and I am painfully shy, two things she was well-aware of. So, I chose to help out her mother and Future Mother-In-Law behind the scenes (as they were busy catering a meal for 40-ish people). Turns out, that’s grounds for friendship termination. I still feel heartbreak over it and now that I’m engaged, I’m vowing not to lose friendships over my wedding.
But as your story points out, you can do everything right and still lose a friend.
Post # 6
At least you don’t have to look at wedding photos years from now and thinking, “wow that Maid/Matron of Honor really ruined things…” She won’t be there!
I agree with PP, her true colours were shining through….
Post # 7
I’m so sorry to hear you have to deal with that! You handled the situation well, and she should have been able to be more mature about the whole thing. As everyone else is saying, this will be a good thing in the long run, but for now, *hugs*
Post # 8
I echo the previous poster’s sentiments – and additionally – how TACKY to do over Facebook.
One question: you have about three weeks until your wedding you say. What if said fledgling maid of honor decides she was being ridiculous and reneges ousting herself? Would you take her back? Something to consider, as people who act out like her are incredibly predictable.
Post # 9
Why does such a happy time bring out the worst in others?
Because some people can’t stand it when the spotlight is not on them and cannot accept that someone else is going through a happy time. Some friends are only good friends when they can feed off of misery, and when it calls for a happy time, they can’t handle it because they would rather be soaking up drama…and if there is no drama, they create it.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Better 21 days before than the day of. She should have called you. If she is your ‘best friend’, she should have been able to suck it up and stood by you for ONE DAY, despite her feelings with the other girls or her own feelings for your wedding (jealousy? resentment? is she afraid you won’t have time for her once you are married?). How sad. It will be ok. It sounds like you have a wedding party full of other women who will be sincerely happy for you on your big day.
Post # 10
@Just_Squeeze: That’s terrible that your ex Best Man did that to you guys. Our Best Man planned on having the bachelor party this coming weekend but has been kind of a space cadet- poor Fiance is wondering if he’ll even remember to come to the wedding at this point.
@Mrs_Amanda: She seems like one of those emotionally draining and very easily offended people. She bends over backwards to be almost painfully PC and to be truthful, it’s kind of like walking on eggshells with her b/c I don’t want to say the wrong thing.
@delovelyjenn: so getting punished for helping and not being flamboyant in everyone’s face is grounds for dismissal? Ugh…so sorry that happened to you. The bride sounded like a total ungrateful piece of work.
@med700: I know…it will only be photos of our true, real friends and loved ones, which is so much nicer!
@anonymous7676: Hi, new bee! No, I wouldn’t. We’ve already cancelled her bouquet, hair appointment, adjusted the programs, and returned her gift. Talk about awkward if I did let her back in after all this mess. My mom may throw the cake at her (kidding!)
@soyjoy222: you hit the nail on the head. she’s said repeatedly “I can’t even GET married in this state” every time I asked her something about the wedding (which was so rare for the reason I gave above). I get that PA sucks and hasn’t legalized gay marriage here but I’m not getting married to rub that in your face. Honestly. I asked you to be a part of it b/c I love you and want you to share in my day and thought you’d be happy for me.
Post # 11
Ha – I joined specifically to comment on your dilemma, as I had an ousted bridesmaid, as well, stemming from her absolutely unimaginable behavior throughout our entire engagement. I found myself obsessing about it afterwards, because it was hard to lose someone you thought was a friend. But this person was toxic, and my family and friends chalked it up by saying “it was a long time coming…” and they were right.
Enjoy your wedding. Enjoy every moment. It will be a glorious day surrounded by people who truly love you. Best wishes.
Post # 12
Soyjoy222- I totally hear you girl!! one of my “true friends” stopped talking to me when her proposal ended 3 months before her wedding. I understood that she was hurt and was probably uncomfortable with weddings in general, but I was still her “friend” and she should have sat down with me to explain why she couldnt be happy for me, my wedding was 5 month after the whole thing was called off and she didnt even replied back to my invite or text me on the day of my wedding to congratulate me!! ugh why are people so selfish!! Why cant people be happy for one another!!
Post # 13
@Eight6Eleven: Ah, sorry to hear especially the nerve she had to put it on facebook and not tell you face to face after so many years of friendships. She could be a different place in her life where she is also stress with school, business, and being Maid/Matron of Honor.
However, I do not condone her behavior or coward way of backing out.
Post # 14
@delovelyjenn: I think you have a really good point. If a bride (a general bride, not JessicaVictoria814) asks someone to be their bridesmaid and they know that they have social anxiety/are shy then they shouldn’t expect the bridesmaid to magically become a different person for their wedding. This is a mistake that I’ve made but fortunately, my Maid/Matron of Honor made me realize that I was turning a little Zilla and I changed my attitude before I hurt one of my best friend’s feelings. Being the bride doesn’t give you the right to step over other people.