Post # 1
Have any of you had to dump a friend? I want to hear about it.
A week ago, I posted something in the bridesmaid’s boards…maybe this will give some sort of perspective on my situation: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/leaning-towards-having-no-mohis-that-a-bad-idea
And if you’re too lazy to read that post…summary is: I have a friend from middle school that I’ve stayed close to up thru high school. We went to different colleges and have taken different career paths…we’ve just become different people, have different priorities, and are at different places in our lives. Nevertheless, we’ve tried to stay close even though we have a hard time sympathizing with each other. Right before I got engaged, she tells me that she’s seriously concerned about my Fiance, has never liked him, and doesn’t think I should get married to him. She has never told me any of her concerns before this (and Fiance & I have been together for THREE years). I addressed the concerns w/ Fiance, but now things are awkward between all of us. She doesn’t want to hear me talk about my Fiance and makes snarky remarks if she does hear about him. I’ve avoided all wedding talk around her–and I was, at one point, considering her to be my MOH! She continuosly talks about her online dating as a way to change the subject about my life. On top of that, the differences between us have become glaring.
So…I haven’t talked to her for a few weeks now. Then, out of the blue, she texted me to ask me to go to brunch yesterday. I ignored the text, thinking that if she really wanted to hang out, she’d call. Lo and behold, she calls around 9:30pm Saturday night. I panicked and picked up. She asked me to do brunch…I told her it probably wouldn’t work because I was on the way out to celebrate a friend’s birthday and would be out late and thus, would have a hard time getting up–all true. We small talked for a bit and she says we should hang out some other time.
I feel really guilty for not wanting to hang out with her, but frankly, I cannot stand another session of me not saying anything about my life that is related to my Fiance (which is a large part of my life) and hear her go on about her online dating escapades. I’m reevaluating our friendship and have started to realize how different we are now and how she has been judgmental of me, my Fiance, my family, and pretty much everyone around her. She’s had her share of issues, yet I’ve always been supportive and nonjudgmental as best as I can (we all judge–but it’s being supportive that counts IMO). I’ve also started to realize how bizarre her social interactions with people is and that I don’t really want to be a part of it. I think it just boils down to that she’s really not giving me the moral support that I need as I transition into my new life and I don’t think she’ll ever accept my Fiance. That’s the deal breaker.
So what should I do ladies? I’m still debating if I should try to save this 15-year friendship that’s quickly falling apart or just let it go? Am I a horrible person???? ::cries::
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2009 - University of Michigan Union
I have had to dump two friends over the years. The first was around 2003, a friend who had unfortunately developed a serious drug problem and would hurt herself, as well as threaten me. I tried to get help for her, but it was so bad, I just had to stop trying at one point. That was a nightmare.
The other one was a friend who was a very snarky and negative person. Always complaining, very selfish, very rude, very impatient… I knew she could be like this before we were friends, but she kind of switched to a more positive person in the beginning, then her true nature eventually came back out. She was embarrassing to be with in public- very rude to strangers, rude to the waitstaff when we went out to eat… she was just a mean person. Also very clingy and needy, and would get jealous of Mr. Taffy. I finally just cut her loose, she only brought negativity and stress to my life.
Both friends were only in my life for a few years, I’m sorry that your situation is with a longert friendship.
Post # 4
I can 100% relate. I had basically the exact thing happen to me. My best friend from 4th grade told me a few years ago now thatshe didn’t think my Fiance was right for me. We discussed it I told her how much I loved him and that her concerns weren’t a concern for me (more like she was saying he wasn’t someone she would go for). I told her I appreciated her thinking of me but that I was really happy. Then a few months later out of the blue I got an email from her saying I don’t like your Fiance. He’s bad for you and I hope you realize it. AN EMAIL! Seriously. I was furious that she would say that, let alone in an email. We tried to work past it but basically we were in the same situation you are in now, awkward conversations etc. She thought he was changing me (well duh everyone changes) etc and hanging out with her was harder and harder.
I got engaged in July. I panicked-what woudl I do? We always talked about being each other’s MOH’s. I finally decided to not have her in my wedding party at all and I called her and explained how I thought it was too difficult and I thought I should have my college friends who I’ve been closer to over the last many years. I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks, and eventually she sent me an email saying taht what I did was so hurtful and she didn’t think it could be repaired. I emailed her (she didn’t ipick up her phone) explained where I was coming from and basically said I think you’re right, and I understand if you don’t want to be friends. We haven’t spoken since (end of August). We had been friends for 16 years.
I have spent a long time crying over this. I think that you need to talk to her about it. Tell her how hard it is now that this is out in the open. You want her to be happy for you. You know that she doesn’t love Fiance, and you just can’t see her being in the wedding party (or being the MOH-not sure what you are thinking at the moment). That you would like to work through it. I let it go, and I don’t regret it, but there were a lot more issues with our friendship. You just have to evaluate how important she is to you.
GL Luna, I know how hard this is. PM me if you want to talk more. *hugs*
Post # 5
I think that if your friendship is important to you, if this person is a quality person whom you would like to keep in your life, then you should be honest with her. My best friendships are those that are based on that honesty and the ability to push each other in difficult situations – growing and developing into better versions of ourselves as a result. If this was my best friend, I would meet with her and tell her how difficult the situation is for me and how it has made me feel. If she is truly your friend, she will discuss this with you, respond as honestly and attempt to figure things out.
Post # 6
This is so tough. I know how badly these situations can hurt…
I’m picturing (not surely if it’s accurate) that you got a job just after college, maybe more into family life. Your friend however is big time into her career. You said she’s still in school, so maybe lawyer, psychologist, etc? Since she doesn’t want to hear about the wedding, and would rather talk about online dating, I’m guessing she is jealous, perhaps wondering if she is making the right life decisions. It can be really hard to start or maintain relationships with intense school programs. She is probably having a hard time. And by the time her career is set and things settle down, she might be thinking "Am I too old?’ So, while it doesn’t not make her snarkiness OK, it gives some perspective as to her actions. We all have some personality flaws that make us difficult from time to time. And likewise, I don’t think it’s that huge that you can’t talk about the wedding, especially if you didn’t end up asking her to be in the wedding. The whole wedding thing is really tricky with some jealous friends. It is weird stuff.
However, in maybe bending a little to be understanding of her anxieties, I think she needs to bend. It’s not fair for her to go on about online dating, while you can’t say anything about your life. It is also toxic if she is so judgmental of you and all of your loved ones. I will say, she seems to be reaching out. She wants to spend time with you. Maybe she wants to apologize??? How about taking her up on brunch and using that as an opportunity to tell her how you feel? Maybe try to be understanding of her sensitivity to wedding plans. I also don’t think she has to be the biggest fan of your Fiance. But she does need to stop talking negatively about him, and everyone else.
Post # 7
I had to dump a best friend last year. We’d been friends since high school and been there for each other through ups and downs. (HS sweetheart drama, my ex-fiance, her troubled marriage…) Well, I had already gone through a year of the silent treatment (over something dumb) from her, and actually forgave her and became friends again.
After that, it went downhill again. I never did anything but defend and help her, but I began to realize something. She was constantly one-upping me over everything from my purse to my home’s tile….stupid! At one point, I had called and texted with no response for 3 weeks. Until one day, she answered, and she said "Hey girl! How have you been? Oh, hey, can you watch the kids on Tuesday?". I had called to ask what she wanted to do for her birthday!!!!
So i stopped. No more calling. No responding to her crying about her husband or needing help. And when I had cooled down, I called and explained that although I loved her, and wished nothing but the best for her – I could no longer be her friend because I felt used and unsupported. At that point I wasn’t even engaged, but she was very vocal about what I should and should not do with my life. And she actually had the nerve to say "And when you get engaged…I BETTER be the MOH!!".
She didn’t even INVITE me to her wedding!!
If your girl is not supportive of the union, then I think it kind of defeats the purpose of having her stand beside you. If her concerns about your Fiance were considered, and also worked out, then she shouldn’t be acting the way she is about him.
Post # 8
O goodness, I’m feeling ya.
I have one of those friends, too. I’ve slowly been backing out, but unfortunately, it’s just not always the easiest or simplest thing to do. Every time I talk to her, I realize the maturity gap is getting larger and larger (as in I’m maturing and she’s not) and that her personality is not meshing with mine anymore. We used to be good friends, but her snooty behavior and extreme conservative attitude (to the point that she’s offensive to most people around her) and her boyfriend-before-friends atittude have opened my eyes after a few years. My mom has even forbidden her to come over anymore due to her offensive nature towards a few of my moms’ friends.
I wish I had more solid advice for you, but I really don’t. Personally, I am just cutting back on phone calls, emails, chats, etc. We are better of acquaintance-type friends than super-duper-close buddies. I am hoping things change a little when she grows up and matures. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t, and I do realize that in our case, a lot of it is resentment and jealousy towards me. Fall-outs happen in life, but it’s totally inappropriate of her to make comments like that about your Fiance. Who is SHE to judge him and your relationship anyways? Sorry, but it’s not really her business or her place to say things like that. The saying goes, "if you don’t have anything nice to say…" then you say nothing! I have my opinions about the men my friends date, but I don’t necessarily tell them all of those things, and as long as they are happy, I am fine with it. I’M not with that guy, and if he’s not my kind of guy, who cares as long as my friend loves him and he’s HER type?! I’m sure my friends all have interesting opinions regarding my Fiance, but he’s MINE, not THEIRS, and that is all that matters. I want to tell your friend to cram it basically. Being a good friend does not equate to being derogatory, either.
Post # 9
All I can say is, before you dump your friend think long and hard about it. I dumped a friend a few years back, and in my head I was totally justified, but looking back now I think we could have totally worked things out. I really miss her, and I regret my decision. Just try to step back and think about the big picture.
Post # 10
I wish I had some solid advice, but I kind of don’t… I’ve been in this situation and really regretted how it turned out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad i"m not friends with the person because she was just so negative and so irrational, but I wish it had happened differently.
Basically in my case, this friend and I had known each other since early high school and been very close fo ra long time, but eventually at a certain point we were just too different. I felt like she was so negative and so abrasive and just really hard to be with after a certain point, but I didn’t say anything. One day, I disagreed with her about something (a super small pointless issue) and she BLEW UP at me. It was crazy, she was just completely over the top and literally told me to go f*** myself. It’s kind of funny to look back on because seriously, it was the tiniest issue ever. And nobody in my life acts like this. It was bewildering!
I took a week or two off from contacting her and then mentioned that we really both need more distance from each other blah blah or something, I tried to be nice about it and she just blew up again. What can ya do? In retrospect, I wish that I had just bowed out of the friendship a little earlier when I first noticed that I really didn’t like her as a person and that nobody else treated me as terribly as she did. Maybe if I had mentioned it then, she would have been open to fixing it or something.
But anyway, I don’t think there’s really any good way to do this. It sounds like you’ve got good reasons — everybody really needs people around them that are supportive and accepting, it sounds like your friend is neither. Good luck dealing with it 🙁
Post # 11
This is icky. So so hard to do, because friendships aren’t a solid commitment, it’s hard to know when to let one go.
One of my bm’s and I are drifting more and more apart from eachother, so I feel like I’ll be in your situation eventually (but hope not!). People just change and everyone needs to recognize that.
Post # 12
Allow me to play devil’s advocate with my own cautionary tale. While I sympathize with your situation, I have also been the friend watching my best friend’s relationship. She was what I jokingly called a "serial monogamist" and I definitely didn’t want to be tied down in my early 20s. There was the inevitable drifting inherent in time and age, but there was also a significant shift in my friend’s personality and behavior. Her partner was very jealous and controlling, always tagging along to whatever event we attended. I tried very hard to keep my mouth shut, as it wasn’t my relationship, but eventually it became too much.
Her partner had been rude and abrasive to me for several years and it culminated in a very nasty interaction while my friend was inebriated and out of the room. I finally had to give an ultimatum of sorts. I adored my friend, but could no longer be present in the company of her partner. If we were hanging out, the partner couldn’t be there. If they were doing "couples" activities, I would not attend. I knew this would mean less interaction, but I could no longer stand by watching a destructive relationship. I wasn’t asking her to choose between us, just not force us to interact. Needless to say, bit by bit we lost touch. I was heartbroken at the loss of this friendship, but knew I couldn’t be part of their relationship.
Last year I received the abrupt news that my friend had died suddenly. She had broken up with her partner after 5 years and was due to marry someone else the weekend of her death at age 30. Her family tells me that she always regretted losing touch, just as I did. 16 months later, I am still grieving. I never imagined I’d be planning my wedding without her as my Maid/Matron of Honor.
This may not resemble your situation, but be aware. Life happens suddenly and unexpectedly. Make sure any friendship you sever won’t cause you too great a loss should it be severed permanently.
Post # 13
Instead of thinking about the outcome you want (friends again or dump her), I think you should focus first on your friendship process, if you will. If you are going to save this relationship, you need to be straight with her about your needs from this friendship. Even after your wedding is over, your fiance will be a huge part of your life. You simply cannot be expected never to mention him for fear of hearing that he is such a bad guy or snarky comments. Her attitude toward your fiance is hurting your friendship, and that’s a deal breaker for you.
I would caution against reading too much into her discussion of online dating, however. It may be her way of relating to you. You talk about your relationship, so she talks about hers. Lots of people aren’t good at giving moral support the way we want it. Like for example, if you tell a story about how bad your day at work was, instead of saying "wow that stinks, how awful," would she say, "yeah, my day was awful too, let me tell you why." It changes the focus from your day to her day. She may be trying to show that she is relating to you, but it comes off as changing the subject. Additionally, the snarky comments may be because she is jealous of you. It is much more likely that her negativity is about her than it is about you or your fiance.
Post # 14
Thanks for the support, everyone… this board is amazing. There are so many supportive people on here, and I’ve never met any one of you. Thank you.
Also – I’m really sad to hear that some of you had to face this difficult situation. I’m sending out a hug for those of you who were/are in my shoes.
What I’ve gotten from these responses–and from those I collected offline–is that I should talk to her. I know that in the back of my mind, she deserves at least this much. I could take the easy, cowardly way of avoiding her, but I think ultimately I do both of us a disservice. I have no way of sugar-coating the truth (I’m just not that type of person anyway), and I don’t think there’s an easy way of telling her without possibly hurting her feelings.
It was really good to figuratively hear from the other side of the coin – Tanya123, teamzeewagen, and chelseamorning. I know that I may be reading too much into things, and somehow justifying it to myself that it’s ok to ignore her.
I think I’ll give it one last shot to try to save this 15-year friendship, and see where things go from there. At least if I give it an honest go, I’ll have no regrets.
Thanks again ladies. I really, really appreciate it.
Post # 15
and remember – you don’t need to dump a friend – you can just ‘grow apart.’ making less time for friends happens naturally with age anyway. there is marriage, kids, work, and everything else that eventually makes your group of friends smaller. and then the amazing thing is that the one or two times a year you talk with your old friends is actually kind of nice. i am against dumping friends – and more for letting the lesser friendships sort of fade a bit.
Post # 16
Just giving you an update on the situation. I bit the bullet and (nicely) told her basically what I told you. I told her that I love her and appreciate her friendship–afterall, I can’t think of many people in my life who would have the courage to tell me things that troubled them about my SO/family if they didn’t care about me so much. I reassured her that I recognize they’re not perfect, but I’ve addressed the concerns and our relationships are much deeper and richer than before. I told her my concerns about our friendship and she basically said sorry…she didn’t notice she was doing that and did not mean to come off as unsupportive. She restated that she supports me no matter what. I also said that I respect her opinion about my Fiance, but frankly, he’s the love of my life and is a permanent part of my life, so she needs to recognize that. There’s nothing I can do to change her opinion about him and vice versa, so I think that part is more open-ended. I said I would love nothing more but for her to feel comfortable to come over any time and hang out with us as a couple…but I think that’s more of a "we’ll see," which is something she echoed as well. She asked me if her discussion about her dating bothers me – and I said it’s not that I don’t support it, but I perceived it as more of "lets change the subject to something I’d like to talk about so I don’t have to hear about you talking about this guy I don’t like"…and she understood.
I think she’s trying to be a supportive friend but maybe djmaddiebluedog is right…people "grow apart". She and I are at different stages of our lives, have different priorities, and ultimately, have different personalities and how we interact with people. I feel more at ease about it now.