(Closed) Dumping a friend?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009 - University of Michigan Union

I have had to dump two friends over the years. The first was around 2003, a friend who had unfortunately developed a serious drug problem and would hurt herself, as well as threaten me. I tried to get help for her, but it was so bad, I just had to stop trying at one point. That was a nightmare.

The other one was a friend who was a very snarky and negative person. Always complaining, very selfish, very rude, very impatient… I knew she could be like this before we were friends, but she kind of switched to a more positive person in the beginning, then her true nature eventually came back out. She was embarrassing to be with in public- very rude to strangers, rude to the waitstaff when we went out to eat… she was just a mean person. Also very clingy and needy, and would get jealous of Mr. Taffy. I finally just cut her loose, she only brought negativity and stress to my life.

Both friends were only in my life for a few years, I’m sorry that your situation is with a longert friendship.  

Post # 4
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Hi Luna,

 I can 100% relate.  I had basically the exact thing happen to me.  My best friend from 4th grade told me a few years ago now thatshe didn’t think my Fiance was right for me.  We discussed it I told her how much I loved him and that her concerns weren’t a concern for me (more like she was saying he wasn’t someone she would go for).  I told her I appreciated her thinking of me but that I was really happy.  Then a few months later out of the blue I got an email from her saying I don’t like your Fiance. He’s bad for you and I hope you realize it. AN EMAIL!  Seriously.  I was furious that she would say that, let alone in an email.  We tried to work past it but basically we were in the same situation you are in now, awkward conversations etc.  She thought he was changing me (well duh everyone changes) etc and hanging out with her was harder and harder.  

 I got engaged in July.  I panicked-what woudl I do?  We always talked about being each other’s MOH’s.  I finally decided to not have her in my wedding party at all and I called her and explained how I thought it was too difficult and I thought I should have my college friends who I’ve been closer to over the last many years.  I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks, and eventually she sent me an email saying taht what I did was so hurtful and she didn’t think it could be repaired.  I emailed her (she didn’t ipick up her phone) explained where I was coming from and basically said I think you’re right, and I understand if you don’t want to be friends. We haven’t spoken since (end of August).  We had been friends for 16 years.

 I have spent a long time crying over this.  I think that you need to talk to her about it.  Tell her how hard it is now that this is out in the open.  You want her to be happy for you.  You know that she doesn’t love Fiance, and you just can’t see her being in the wedding party (or being the MOH-not sure what you are thinking at the moment).  That you would like to work through it.  I let it go, and I don’t regret it, but there were a lot more issues with our friendship.  You just have to evaluate how important she is to you.

GL Luna, I know how hard this is.  PM me if you want to talk more. *hugs*

Post # 5
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Luna,

I think that if your friendship is important to you, if this person is a quality person whom you would like to keep in your life, then you should be honest with her. My best friendships are those that are based on that honesty and the ability to push each other in difficult situations – growing and developing into better versions of ourselves as a result. If this was my best friend, I would meet with her and tell her how difficult the situation is for me and how it has made me feel. If she is truly your friend, she will discuss this with you, respond as honestly and attempt to figure things out.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

This is so tough.  I know how badly these situations can hurt…

I’m picturing (not surely if it’s accurate) that you got a job just after college, maybe more into family life.  Your friend however is big time into her career.  You said she’s still in school, so maybe lawyer, psychologist, etc?  Since she doesn’t want to hear about the wedding, and would rather talk about online dating, I’m guessing she is jealous, perhaps wondering if she is making the right life decisions.  It can be really hard to start or maintain relationships with intense school programs.  She is probably having a hard time.  And by the time her career is set and things settle down, she might be thinking "Am I too old?’  So, while it doesn’t not make her snarkiness OK, it gives some perspective as to her actions.  We all have some personality flaws that make us difficult from time to time.  And likewise, I don’t think it’s that huge that you can’t talk about the wedding, especially if you didn’t end up asking her to be in the wedding.  The whole wedding thing is really tricky with some jealous friends.  It is weird stuff.

However, in maybe bending a little to be understanding of her anxieties, I think she needs to bend.  It’s not fair for her to go on about online dating, while you can’t say anything about your life.  It is also toxic if she is so judgmental of you and all of your loved ones.  I will say, she seems to be reaching out.  She wants to spend time with you.  Maybe she wants to apologize???  How about taking her up on brunch and using that as an opportunity to tell her how you feel?  Maybe try to be understanding of her sensitivity to wedding plans.  I also don’t think she has to be the biggest fan of your Fiance.  But she does need to stop talking negatively about him, and everyone else.

Post # 7
Member
898 posts
Busy bee

I had to dump a best friend last year. We’d been friends since high school and been there for each other through ups and downs. (HS sweetheart drama, my ex-fiance, her troubled marriage…) Well, I had already gone through a year of the silent treatment (over something dumb) from her, and actually forgave her and became friends again.

After that, it went downhill again. I never did anything but defend and help her, but I began to realize something. She was constantly one-upping me over everything from my purse to my home’s tile….stupid!   At one point, I had called and texted with no response for 3 weeks. Until one day, she answered, and she said "Hey girl! How have you been? Oh, hey, can you watch the kids on Tuesday?". I had called to ask what she wanted to do for her birthday!!!!

So i stopped. No more calling. No responding to her crying about her husband or needing help. And when I had cooled down, I called and explained that although I loved her, and wished nothing but the best for her – I could no longer be her friend because I felt used and unsupported. At that point I wasn’t even engaged, but she was very vocal about what I should and should not do with my life. And she actually had the nerve to say "And when you get engaged…I BETTER be the MOH!!".

She didn’t even INVITE me to her wedding!!

 

If your girl is not supportive of the union, then I think it kind of defeats the purpose of having her stand beside you. If her concerns about your Fiance were considered, and also worked out, then she shouldn’t be acting the way she is about him.

Post # 8
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

O goodness, I’m feeling ya.

I have one of those friends, too. I’ve slowly been backing out, but unfortunately, it’s just not always the easiest or simplest thing to do. Every time I talk to her, I realize the maturity gap is getting larger and larger (as in I’m maturing and she’s not) and that her personality is not meshing with mine anymore. We used to be good friends, but her snooty behavior and extreme conservative attitude (to the point that she’s offensive to most people around her) and her boyfriend-before-friends atittude have opened my eyes after a few years. My mom has even forbidden her to come over anymore due to her offensive nature towards a few of my moms’ friends.

I wish I had more solid advice for you, but I really don’t. Personally, I am just cutting back on phone calls, emails, chats, etc. We are better of acquaintance-type friends than super-duper-close buddies. I am hoping things change a little when she grows up and matures. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t, and I do realize that in our case, a lot of it is resentment and jealousy towards me. Fall-outs happen in life, but it’s totally inappropriate of her to make comments like that about your Fiance. Who is SHE to judge him and your relationship anyways? Sorry, but it’s not really her business or her place to say things like that. The saying goes, "if you don’t have anything nice to say…" then you say nothing! I have my opinions about the men my friends date, but I don’t necessarily tell them all of those things, and as long as they are happy, I am fine with it. I’M not with that guy, and if he’s not my kind of guy, who cares as long as my friend loves him and he’s HER type?! I’m sure my friends all have interesting opinions regarding my Fiance, but he’s MINE, not THEIRS, and that is all that matters. I want to tell your friend to cram it basically. Being a good friend does not equate to being derogatory, either.  

Sending hugs! 

Post # 9
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

All I can say is, before you dump your friend think long and hard about it. I dumped a friend a few years back, and in my head I was totally justified, but looking back now I think we could have totally worked things out. I really miss her, and I regret my decision. Just try to step back and think about the big picture.

Post # 10
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I wish I had some solid advice, but I kind of don’t…  I’ve been in this situation and really regretted how it turned out.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad i"m not friends with the person because she was just so negative and so irrational, but I wish it had happened differently.

Basically in my case, this friend and I had known each other since early high school and been very close fo ra long time, but eventually at a certain point we were just too different.  I felt like she was so negative and so abrasive and just really hard to be with after a certain point, but I didn’t say anything.  One day, I disagreed with her about something (a super small pointless issue) and she BLEW UP at me.  It was crazy, she was just completely over the top and literally told me to go f*** myself.  It’s kind of funny to look back on because seriously, it was the tiniest issue ever.  And nobody in my life acts like this.  It was bewildering!

I took a week or two off from contacting her and then mentioned that we really both need more distance from each other blah blah or something, I tried to be nice about it and she just blew up again.  What can ya do?  In retrospect, I wish that I had just bowed out of the friendship a little earlier when I first noticed that I really didn’t like her as a person and that nobody else treated me as terribly as she did.  Maybe if I had mentioned it then, she would have been open to fixing it or something.  

But anyway, I don’t think there’s really any good way to do this.  It sounds like you’ve got good reasons — everybody really needs people around them that are supportive and accepting, it sounds like your friend is neither.  Good luck dealing with it 🙁

Post # 11
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

This is icky. So so hard to do, because friendships aren’t a solid commitment, it’s hard to know when to let one go.

One of my bm’s and I are drifting more and more apart from eachother, so I feel like I’ll be in your situation eventually (but hope not!). People just change and everyone needs to recognize that. 

Post # 12
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Allow me to play devil’s advocate with my own cautionary tale.   While I sympathize with your situation, I have also been the friend watching my best friend’s relationship.   She was what I jokingly called a "serial monogamist" and I definitely didn’t want to be tied down in my early 20s.  There was the inevitable drifting inherent in time and age, but there was also a significant shift in my friend’s personality and behavior.  Her partner was very jealous and controlling, always tagging along to whatever event we attended.  I tried very hard to keep my mouth shut, as it wasn’t my relationship, but eventually it became too much. 

Her partner had been rude and abrasive to me for several years and it culminated in a very nasty interaction while my friend was inebriated and out of the room.  I finally had to give an ultimatum of sorts.  I adored my friend, but could no longer be present in the company of her partner.  If we were hanging out, the partner couldn’t be there.  If they were doing "couples" activities, I would not attend.  I knew this would mean less interaction, but I could no longer stand by watching a destructive relationship.  I wasn’t asking her to choose between us, just not force us to interact.  Needless to say, bit by bit we lost touch.  I was heartbroken at the loss of this friendship, but knew I couldn’t be part of their relationship.

 Last year I received the abrupt news that my friend had died suddenly.  She had broken up with her partner after 5 years and was due to marry someone else the weekend of her death at age 30.  Her family tells me that she always regretted losing touch, just as I did.  16 months later, I am still grieving.  I never imagined I’d be planning my wedding without her as my Maid/Matron of Honor.

This may not resemble your situation, but be aware.  Life happens suddenly and unexpectedly.  Make sure any friendship you sever won’t cause you too great a loss should it be severed permanently.

Post # 13
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Instead of thinking about the outcome you want (friends again or dump her), I think you should focus first on your friendship process, if you will. If you are going to save this relationship, you need to be straight with her about your needs from this friendship. Even after your wedding is over, your fiance will be a huge part of your life. You simply cannot be expected never to mention him for fear of hearing that he is such a bad guy or snarky comments. Her attitude toward your fiance is hurting your friendship, and that’s a deal breaker for you.

I would caution against reading too much into her discussion of online dating, however. It may be her way of relating to you. You talk about your relationship, so she talks about hers. Lots of people aren’t good at giving moral support the way we want it. Like for example, if you tell a story about how bad your day at work was, instead of saying "wow that stinks, how awful," would she say, "yeah, my day was awful too, let me tell you why." It changes the focus from your day to her day. She may be trying to show that she is relating to you, but it comes off as changing the subject. Additionally, the snarky comments may be because she is jealous of you. It is much more likely that her negativity is about her than it is about you or your fiance.

Post # 15
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

and remember – you don’t need to dump a friend – you can just ‘grow apart.’  making less time for friends happens naturally with age anyway.  there is marriage, kids, work, and everything else that eventually makes your group of friends smaller.  and then the amazing thing is that the one or two times a year you talk with your old friends is actually kind of nice.  i am against dumping friends – and more for letting the lesser friendships sort of fade a bit.

The topic ‘Dumping a friend?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors