(Closed) During a bad fight with your SO/FI/DH, do you ever…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

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anonymousbee0516:  Oh gosh.. Family is always a difficult thing because you want to be loyal to your SO but also loyal to your family. That’s why there are a million in-law horror stories. If therapy is an option, I’d suggest exploring that. I’ve never had experience with that but I’m sure having a third-party mediate a conversation between you and your Fiance could possibly smooth some things out without it blowing up into an argument of meaningless words.

Post # 17
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I’m more apt to cry during a bad fight than to say mean things. We don’t fight very often and I get really upset. I think that saying terrible things to each other is dangrous.. it sets poison in the relationship and once those words are said you can forgive someone, but you can’t actually take them back.

In every relationship I’ve had as an adult I’ve made it a rule to fight “fair”. Don’t make it too personal, don’t bring up other problems you have that aren’t related to the argument, and don’t make insults (you’re an idiot, etc). I think there’s a really healthy way to talk things out though arguments/fights, but being nasty is never the way to handle it and once those words are out in the air you might wish you could reach out and put them back in your mouth. If arguments are degrading into insult fests (you’re a jerk, you’re a this or that) then maybe that’s the bigger issue here?

Post # 18
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2454 posts
Buzzing bee

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anonymousbee0516:  I’m sorry that you are feeling this way, I know it’s difficult with your future looming in front of you and worrying if maybe this is not what you want anymore. 

My fi and I have terrible fights. I am bipolar, so I get explosive. he knows this about me, which helps after the argument. I have certain months and certain times of the year where it is worse for me and I’m way more emotional. When I get explosive so does he. He is one of those guys that always needs to be right, while it can be very annoying in day to day life, during fights it’s even worse. Normally after one of our fights one of us storms off, or we both just go seperate ways. We eventually work it out, whether it’s next day or in a couple hours. We always talk through the issu. This is something we are working on because we talk it out so we are trying to just talk it out instead of it exploding and escalating into a fight. We do not fight like this very often, but when we do, it can get pretty ugly. We both say things we don’t meaN. There have been times after one of these horrible fights where I have questioned whether this is the right path for me . Everytime we make up though, I know it is. I know that even though we have horrible fights occasionally we will get through anything together. I love him and I get sad during those times when I have questioned the relationship. I don’t think I have ever felt relieved. I think it’s normal to question your relationship and scrutinize it under the heat of an argument. But if your questioning it on a normal day, then you should really take a look at your relationship And make sure this is what you want. 

You should also, look at how you two make up after arguments. I know if my fi and I did not apologize for the nasty things we can say to each other, there is no way I would want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Post # 19
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

@anonymousbee0516: I feel this way every time we fight. And our fights get ugly. He is the one who does the name calling – calling me a “pussy” and “stupid” and saying “fu*k you” – but it has now gotten to the point where I dish it right back. I am not proud of it, but I have ended up hating him when we fight and really couldn’t care less if I stoop to his level. We’ve even said “I hate you” during our fights. He has threatened to hurt me, too. He has recently said “I want to punch your teeth down the back of your throat”, “I want to rip the hair out of your scalp”, “I really want to strangle you”. He’s never made a move to physically harm me, but I know that these threats are not in any way, shape or form, acceptable. I told him that the next time he threatens me, I am leaving. I will kick him out of the house (I pay for it, anyway). He tells me he would never actually hurt me, to which I reply that doesn’t matter – the threats of physical violence are bad enough. I do imagine my life without him and it often brings me joy.

Post # 20
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3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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KittyKatz:  WHY ARE YOU STILL IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?????  

Post # 21
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee

To be honest, FH and I have never had a fight like that. We’ve had disagreements, but we’ve never once raised our voices to one another, or said things that shouldn’t be said. Communication styles can conflict and make things difficult, but it’s really helpful to work through things like that and take the time, even in the middle of an argument, to pause and really think about what you want to say, and how you can shape how the conversation goes.

In a past relationship, we fought. A lot. It reminded me of some sour days in my childhood when my father would yell at me, and I would hate him. I didn’t want to live like that. It got to a point of no return and I broke it off.

Post # 22
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

@heputaringonit: I have been thinking the same thing. Kind of like what OP wrote, when things are good (i.e. we are not aruging) I really enjoy being with him. But when we fight, I wish he would disappear from my life all together. <br /><br />

Post # 23
Member
6369 posts
Bee Keeper

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anonymousbee0516:  My husband and I had one bad fight, it was almost two years ago now, but it was the only time I ever considered leaving him.  And it was anything but joyous.  It was heartbreaking.  We worked it out and have been fine since, but I have never thought I should leave him, or he should leave me, it just doesn’t happen when (if) we fight.  He’s my other half, I couldn’t imagine not being with him.

If that’s how you feel though, you may want to re-evaluate being with him.  That’s not the usual reaction one should have to breaking up or fighting.

Post # 24
Member
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you feel relieaved at the thought of getting out of yoir relationship, you probley should.

 

I had an ex I felt like that with. Everytime we fought I thought how much easier it would be to just be alone. The bad far outweighed the good

Post # 25
Member
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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KittyKatz:  This sounds like my relationship with my ex.  Once I got away, I realized how sick even the “good” times were.  That is no way to live.

Post # 26
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

heputaringonit: Would he tell you things like what a good man he is and how you’d be sorry if he were gone? Mine does. He also tells me how all his exes wanted him back once the relationship was over. I told him that I didn’t care what they thought or felt – I am not them.

Post # 27
Member
2729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

My Fiance and I don’t really have nasty fights. We disagree and we have some-what heated discussions sometimes but never once do I get excited at the prospect of him leaving me. Usually I get upset and think the whole time “when is he going to hug me so we can end this already?”

I think if you’re having those thoughts, you’re in the wrong relationship. Especially if nasty hateful words are being exchanged.

Post # 28
Member
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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KittyKatz:  Omg yes.  He would tell me “they always come back!”  And he would tell me how good I had it with him.  Luckily, I had healthy relationships before, so even though he mind f’d me some, I did have a point of reference for what it *should* be like.  

Have you read any about emotional and mental abuse?

Post # 29
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

Oh yes. To both. And I’m pretty certain I am living them each right now. I never thought I’d be a battered woman (what woman ever does?), yet here I am. I am at the pivotal point where I will most likely walk away very soon. I’m farily certain my life would be better without him. He also doesn’t trust me and becomes very easily suscpicious over completely innocuous things, which is just exhausting.

Post # 30
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Fiance and I have an agreement about fighting since we both come from very unstable backgrounds with parents who constantly threatened to leave each other.  We NEVER make threats out of anger unless we are going to follow through with said threat – otherwise we consider it emotional abuse/manipulation which is our big no-no.  If he is saying things during fights that is making you feel insecure about your relationship, I think the feelings you are having during these fights are normal and an appropriate emotional response. 

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