Dutch men……you can wait a long time ’till he pops the question !

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Welcome to weddingbee! We don’t have many European brides around (yet), but a lot of relationships are the same the world over. ๐Ÿ™‚

You should check out the Waiting board – it’s not just Dutch men who don’t propose the moment a woman wants them to!

Post # 4
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Hi Smirrie,

Welcome to the boards! I’m not American nor Dutch, I’m Scandinavian but live in England and have done for over 6 years.

Scandinavia is one of the most equal societies in the world, there are plenty of benefits to this such as the existence of parent leave – we don’t have maternity leave or paternity leave but parent leave. The thinking is that it takes 2 people to make and raise a baby and each couple should be free to decide who stays home the longest to look after the baby. So, out of the total allowed time off, one month is reserved for the mom and dad each and the rest is free for the couple to split as they choose. That’s a fantastic benefit compared to England where dads get a grand total of 2 weeks(!) paternity leave.

So while I agree that some men have lost the old gentleman approach there are some very real, very important advantages in having a more equal society. Sure, they are more brusque and may not hold the door open or always treat you like a lady, but they regard you as more of an equal and you have the same legal rights as a man.

But to go back to proposals and marriage, where I come from it is very, very common to live together for years, have a few kids and perhaps 15 years down the line get married. It’s also very common to stay engaged forever, to many people engagement does not necessarily mean marriage. Weird I think.

Seeing as you live in a less traditional gender stereotypical society you might just have to take a modern approach and talk to your guy about what you mean. Remember, very few men can read minds!

Post # 7
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I am loling at this.  My Darling Husband is of Dutch descent and, while he was quick to propose when we found out I was pregnant, it took us 10 years and 3 kids before we made it to the altar!!  Must be a Dutch thing???

Post # 8
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Girl you need to TELL HIM this. Handing him the address to the ring store would put anybody off! have you told him of your biological clock and told him that you want to be engaged within 6 months or whatever? Talking about it will hopefully put you on the same page.

Post # 9
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@smirrie:  Hi Mirjam!  My husband is Dutch (I’m American) but I was lucky!  I found a Dutchman who was not only very much a gentleman (opens doors for me, carries things, etc) but who was also willing to propose – granted it took a bit longer then I thought it would!  lol  He actually proposed to me 11 months after our first date and we were married 7 months later.  Maybe our long distance relationship helped that be faster, maybe not.  I just know that we started talking about marriage and knew the other was the person we would marry just 2 months after we started dating.

I do agree though that sometimes guys need a gentle nudge.  I remember the day before he finally proposed (mind you his proposal wasn’t something he had planned in advance, he didn’t have a ring picked out or anything, he just finally made up his mind and asked me right then and there), we had a long talk about what was keeping him from asking me.  A lot of what you are talking about, I think played into why.  It wasn’t that he was afraid of marriage, but moreso afraid of the what-ifs.  What if we didn’t last, what if people thought it was too soon, etc.  I remember telling him that life gives no guarantees and sometimes you just have to take a leap without knowing if there is going to be ground that you can land safely on.  I remember telling him that I wanted him to WANT to ask me, that it was very much a decision that only HE could make – he already knew my answer – and that I would wait until he was ready.  But I also told him that MY choice in the matter lay with just how long I would be willing to wait and be content without marriage and that I knew that a day would come at some point that I would reach that limit.  He made me promise to tell him I’d reached that limit if it ever came to it, and I was happy to do so.

The next day he struggled enormously with himself (I saw some signs of it, but mostly found out about it later) and after many talks with his family, he finally decided to ask me to marry him.  Like I said, he had no ring and yet his proposal meant more to me then anything because he surprised me, and I knew he meant every word he said!  He made that choice to make that commitment to me on his own and I loved it!  I’ll tell you this too:  Once he asked me, it was like this huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders!  He never once looked back after asking me and has been so happy that he finally did!

Now then, take my brother in law.  He’s been in a partnership with his girlfriend for a couple of years now, and his girlfriend has been wanting to get married (both are Dutch by the way) for a while.  My hubby and I think it took him seeing his girlfriend so excited about our wedding, to finally get him to pop the question to her!  He did this just a month ago only days after our October wedding ceremony!  ๐Ÿ™‚

It can happen, just hold firm to the promises you make yourself, because I do think you are right in that guys (in general, I don’t think it’s just Dutch guys) sometimes need some gentle nudges and sometimes need some downright smacks to the head!  My hubby and I will be heading to the Netherlands in May of next year, and hopefully by the time we do, you’ll be full into planning your wedding!

Post # 10
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@smirrie:Goede dag, and welcome to wedding bee!

My fiance and I are of Dutch families, although we were not born in Holland, my grandparents immigrated to Canada, and later on his dad did. His grandparents, aunts and uncles etc. still live there, so he wants to take me there to meet them. I have always wanted to go, so hopefully I will make it there someday soon! It’s fun to see a dutch person on here!

p.s. Your English is very good!

Post # 15
Member
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

I didn’t read any of the comments but I just had to pop on here because it made me laugh. See, my sister lives in the Netherlands with her Dutch boyfriend. They have been together for almost 7 years, and they own a home together, but he says that he never wants to get married.

Luckily, she’s cool with that.

Post # 16
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Hi Mirjam!

My wedding was nice but not like most of the weddings you’d find here on the Bee.  Since we had 3 kids, a big white wedding is kind of frowned upon and out of the question.  Big white weddings are usually for women without a bunch of kids!  lol!  Out of the blue, Darling Husband grabbed me and the kids, after calling our immediate families, and we headed out for our marriage license and to the Justice of the Peace for a quickie ceremony.  I wore my favorite outfit in my closet and it was nothing fancy but perfect for our circumstances.  Our “reception” was our immediate families at our favorite restaurant.  Again, nothing fancy but more appropriate to our situation.

My husband’s father was born in Holland and immigrated to Canada with his parents when he was a teenager.  My husband has grown up Canadian but his family holds a lot of Dutch traditions, which is really nice! 

And, I totally agree about kids being a bigger decision than marriage!  You can dissolve a marriage, but you can’t get rid of the fact that you have kids together! 

Good luck to you!

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