(Closed) DV.. Where do we go from here? *Super long

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Holy crap!  I am so sorry that you had to deal with that, I cannot even imagine.

Actually just reading that he spit in your face made me irate, let alone the rest (and much worse) of the things he did to you.

You need to get out of there ASAP. And you need to go to the police, especially if there are weapons in the house. Also, go to counselling, not to get back together with this guy, but to help deal with what he did to you.

Post # 4
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

He does need counseling… alone

And you need counseling… alone

Before you can do counseling together… you need to get out of there right now. At least temporarily. No man should put his hands on you… EVER! I would file a police report to get it all documented. Take pictures of any bruising. Sounds like it’s getting worse each time and now he has a gun. NO MA’AM! You deserve more than that, you just have to believe it. This is one time when I think divorce is in order.

Post # 5
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

i agree with the previous posters.  i know you love hime but you’ve got to think about yourself first.  i would get out as fast as possible.  good luck  

Post # 6
2580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This sounds absolutely awful, and I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Based on this post, though, it sounds like you need to leave, find a safe place to go, and contact the police. I agree with the PP who said you should document everything.

I also agree that you both need to work out your issues on your own, rather than going to counseling together. It does not sound like he’s in any sort of emotional state to be in a healthy relationship, and you deserve so much better.

Post # 7
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’m always a believer in “for better and for worse.” It sounds so cut and dry but I know in reality it is not. If it were me, I would move for divorce or at least separation until things are worked out if you love him that much.

Post # 8
1557 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry you’re going through this. IT WILL NOT GET BETTER ON ITS OWN & YOUR SAFETY AND LIFE ARE AT RISK. You need to take this seriously.  People enraged to the state that your Darling Husband gets are a threat. I think people like this have the ability to really harm people and not realize what they are doing at the time. He could end up killing you one of these times. I know this sounds extreme but you need to consider it. You both need to seek counseling. I think this should be done seperately, even if by the same therapist. I’m not going to tell you to divorce him but you do need to leave until you two are in counseling. No one deserves to be treated this way and you can’t take the blame for this physical abuse. You should probably take the guns with you as well.

Hope you guys can pull through this.

Post # 9
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

There is no question. You get out, and you get out now. Hell, if you are close to me, I’ll be there in an hour and you can stay at my apartment. Take the guns with you. Do not tell him where you are going. JUST GO.

I am literally crying for you. I’ve been there, five years ago, with a guy who just snapped like that. This is not a one time thing, I promise you that.

Honey, please. PLEASE. PLEASE go. Just walk out the door now and dont look back.

Post # 10
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You made vows til death do you part but do you want to be dead by his hand so that he can go and remarry and start the cycle all over with someone else? Girl you cannot heal him. Yes he had a rough upbringing. Yes he is fighting some demons but YOU cannot help him. Believe me I speak from experience and it cost me my son. Please leave. Even if he wants help and seeks it it will take years of therapy before he is safe to be with. You do not want to pay the heavy price I did. You dont want him murdering your unborn baby. You deserve for your home to be a place of peace and safety. You deserve a husband that is your protector not your abuser. It will not get better in fact it will only get worse. Please run. Don’t think you have to stay or you will be alone, or that you somehow deserve this, or that you can do no better. Whatever you tell yourself to rationalize staying STOP. You are a person of incredible worth and you cannot save your Darling Husband. I understand you love him. I still love my ex. One of his personalities is amazing but I couldn’t save him nor could I put my children in danger anymore. I have since met an incredible man who loves, treasures and protects me and my children. I am praying that you get out and you later down the road find someone who treasures you too. If you ever need to talk just PM me. I am here for you ((hugs))

Post # 11
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You leave. Now. ASAP. Do not make excuses for him. Do not go back to him. Start over.

I am so sorry.

Post # 12
2742 posts
Sugar bee

If you were my sister, I would tell you to cut your losses and move out. If he wants to go for counseling alone, let him. Honestly, how do you think your mother/sister/father/best friend would feel if they came across this post? I read a lot of stuff on the emotional boards that make me cringe but this has got to be one of the worst. The repeated punching, the fact that you know to be ‘submissive’ so he won’t hit you worse. The fact that after you got a beat down, you were still concerned about him enough to go and chasing after him to the guest bedroom. What if he had, God forbid, shot you?? I understand the whole ‘divorce is not an option’ thing and till death do us part etc. But whose death are we talking about here? Please, please, for the love of yourself and the heartbreak you would cause to your loved ones if something does happen to you, please MOVE OUT and then start going for counseling individually. I’m honestly appalled by what I read and I had my hand over my mouth. If someone did that to my sister, I swear I’d be tempted to hire some folks to beat the living ish out of him. Good luck with whatever you do.

Ps. This is the third time it’s happened in 3 years. But I’m sure there have been other ‘incidences’ where stuff happened but not up to this extent. Both physically and emotionally. Reading that he calls you a bitch/cunt on a weekly basis is making my blood boil. He’s beating you down. Slowly but surely. It will only get worse. Please get out now. There is no shame in this. You shouldn’t be ashamed for wanting a better life for yourself. Many bees have been where you are now and they are going to give you some good advice.

Post # 13
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

LEAVE. I get the hint that this stuff has happened before, based on you saying that it’s better to be submissive…

This is not a healthy situation. Do these things only happen when he’s had a drink or two in him? It seems like he needs some intense help from a professional.

But you need to do what’s right for you, and get yourself somewhere safe, especially with guns in the house…

Please don’t make excuses for him either- I know that if you tend to grow up in that situation, it follows you around, but that’s not the case for everyone. I watched my mother get beat up by her boyfriends (not my father, ever ever ever ever) for half my life, and I knew I deserved better than that for myself.


I’m sorry this is so jumbled, I get to emotional with these posts because I know how much of a nightmare something like this can be (especially for a child) and I usually don’t comment on these for the main reason that my thoughts are usually everywhere- but this is NOT a good place for you to be right now.

Post # 15
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

RUN. Get out while you are still alive.  Call the police, press charges, and stay with a friend you can trust.  Do not answer his calls- he will only promise it will never happen again and tell you how so very deeply sorry he is… until it happens again- and next time will be worse.  And the time after that will be even worse.  Until one day he kills you.

Post # 16
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

why on earth would you all have guns in the house when he has anger problems and instances like this have happened before? this would be absolutely terrifying to me, and I would get out as far and as fast as I could if I were you, and call the police. you did nothing wrong here–you were just trying to defend yourself after he started beating you and then pulled a gun on you; if you hadn’t done something then, who knows if you’d be alive right now. 

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