(Closed) DV.. Where do we go from here? *Super long

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
4521 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@i_neverthought:  So you made vows…you didn’t promise to be punching bug (emotionally or physically), he has already broken the spirit and words of your wedding vows – what happened to cherish, love, protect? 

Your safety is paramount. Please listen to the bees and don’t go home tonight. If you don’t want to confide in a coworker, ask him or her to drop you off a friend’s house, hotel, airport, etc. You can always say you’re meeting a friend there or something if you’re uncomfortable.

Please leave.  You don’t deserve to be treated this way, and I have a feeling it’ll only get worse. The bees are here to help you if you need it!

Post # 48
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

i’m not one to EVER think about divorce, but honey- this is a serious situation. you need to get out of that toxic environment. fighting and hitting is not a normal reaction. you said it yourself that he grew up in that kind of environment, so it seems normal to him but it’s not. you need to think about yourself and your safety (and that of your future children). it’s not safe at all. you should leave now. 

Post # 49
6 posts

Oh honey, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I totally agree with all the posters and we’re going to keep telling you so that you understand that you really need to get out! You deserve so much better than this! No matter how much you think you love him, you have to leave him NOW. Don’t even think about it too much because if you do you’ll never find the courage to do it. When you get out of work today, pack some essentials and go somewhere that he’ll never find you. Call somebody in your family and ask them for help or a place to stay. Or call a coworker that you can trust.

Many women have stayed with their abusive husbands and have ended up in the 5 o’clock news. You need to get out now and don’t come back even if he begs you. Would you want this to happen for the next 40 years? Think about yourself and your future children!

I’m sending you lots of love!

Post # 50
7310 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I am going to ask you a very simple question. Do you want to die at the hands of your husband?

If your answer is no, which I hope it is, then you need to immediately physically and legally separate from your husband. Immediately… like today. Go crash with a friend or family member while you find an apartment to live in. Have your friend or family member take photos of your injuries and file a police report. You will need this evidence in order to get a restraining order. It’s okay to sign a 1 year lease, because you and your husband will need to be in separate and couples counseling for at least that long before you have a hope of living together again. You need to be away from him and his guns. You need to give yourself space and time to heal, and make it clear to your husband that you will no longer tolerate this. it is not right, he needs serious help, and you are not his damn punching bag. Get out now and save your life.

Post # 51
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you had a child and they told you this happened to them last night what would you advise them to do?

Post # 52
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Leave and don’t worry about your job. Normally I wouldn’t say that, but in this circumstance, your job is nothing. This situation is life or death. GET OUT and do whatever it takes to do so — even if it means you have to start over completely on a different coast. You can get a new job, if it comes to that. 

Post # 53
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

And now you leave. Don’t let it come to “Til death do us part,” because with a physically abusive man who chokes you and takes out the guns… Death is a real possibility. Don’t become a battered wife statistic. 

Post # 54
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m really sorry to say you should definitely leave. Even if it’s possible to get over this through counseling, right now you have to leave the relationship. Not necessarily get divorced immediately, but get out of there. I really hope your friend tells you the same thing and you listen!

Post # 55
490 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

The reason why it seounds worse when typed out is because it is pretty bad.  You are in a physical, verbal and emotionally abusive relationship.  It won’t get any better, so I would just leave.  In fact, if you suggest counseling, he will probably flip out even more.  He needs counseling for what has happened to him in the past and you might need it for what you are going through now.

Post # 56
34 posts
  • Wedding: July 2007

I’m not going to say much other then they don’t change and you need to think about yourself.. I can tell by the way you excuse his actions and some how blame yourself you are in it deep.. Forget him and get help for yourself as for your vows is more like when he kills you the will be the end.. There is no excuse to continue the cycle because it will only continue with your children.. I grew up seeing this with my parents then my oldest kids father did it to me and them.. He almost killed me a couple of times but I stayed because he was gonna change or at least trying to.. Time when by and I was not enought for him to get his anger out on he had moved on to my babies.. It took time and a lot of work and courage my kids were 4 and 3 when I cut all tides.. I’m happy to say I moved on and am married to a wonderful man who has been my kids only dad.. I terminated his parental rights and moved away my kids want nothing to do with him.. I was so depressed and lost with no help one day I was driving back from work the same way I did every day by a cliff.. I though that dying was my only way out so I told myself today I will end it.. As I was speeding to drive of the cliff at the last minute I asked myself if this is how he treats them with me here what will be of them if I’m gone?? I was able to control the car got home hug babies and told them how much I love them.. My kids are going to turn 11 and 10 in a couple of weeks it was very hard to walk away but the best decision I ever made.. Be strong best wishes!!

Post # 57
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m horrified and I can’t BELIEVE this happened to you!!!!

Seriously – LEAVE NOW. Go somewhere else safe for the time being.

This reminds me of a terrible situation that happened to a man that I knew. I heard there was physical abuse (husband abusing the wife) in their marriage andone day, the couple had a heated argument. The husband went to bed and in a fit of rage, the wife shot him in the stomach 5 times with a gun.

I went to his funeral and we all wondered how differently it would have turned out if she went and got help.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do yourself a favor and leave. What your husband is doing is NOT ok, no matter how he grew up. DO NOT MAKE excuses for him!! PLEASE!

Post # 58
206 posts
Helper bee

@i_neverthought:  “I’ve arranged to meet with a friend today to talk, hopefully that will calm me a bit.”

You don’t need to calm down, you need to get angry, and to take action.

I actually have a friend at work who is a Domestic Violence Victim Advocate, but gosh she’s my closest friend here and in the event that we do make it work, I couldn’t bear to have her know all this stuff I’ve gone through and think differently of him.

She of all people will understand. I’d tell her soon. But the bigger issue to me is that you’re still holding on to the idea that things will get fixed, and nobody needs to know. If (if) your marriage ends up saveable, it will only be after years of your husband getting help, and you living apart for a significant amount of time. Part of what a fixed marriage is going to look like, is your husband having accountability to your and his family and community. I know it seems, now, like you want to hide everything from sight, but that’s a symptom of the abuse. Looking back, you’d see that getting everything out in the open is one of the first steps in fixing things.

You’re surrounded by people who would love to help you, you just need to let them.

Post # 59
2755 posts
Sugar bee

First, your friend should know what kind of person he is. You don’t want to support this kind of man, you don’t want to protect him. You shouldn’t be protecting him when he’s hurting you physically and emotionally!

I know it’s scary to think about leaving your job, but if it’s between your job and your life then the choice is a pretty easy one. PLEASE think about yourself first, not him in any way. He has learned how to manipulate you (blaming you for his actions – you are the “crazy bitch” so it’s your fault he screams at you, calls you names, hurts you) and will continue to do so as long as you let him. His actions are HIS alone. If HE puts his hands on you, it’s his fault. He got in your face, he started hurting you – if you hit back, guess what? You are DEFENDING yourself. If he gets in your face and you push him away, you are DEFENDING yourself. It is not cause for him to hurt you more. The fact that you said you’ve already learned to not fight back and be submissive is a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR flashing red signal that it’s time to get out now. This will not stop. It will not improve. It will get worse and it may end with your life being taken or permanent physical damage.

It’s going to be hard, but you know your friends will help you get out – esp. the friend who works for a DV shelter – so please involve them and get to safety ASAP. Don’t even go home tonight, just get to safety and think from there. *hug*

Post # 60
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Talk to your work friend who is a DV advocate, have a confidential conversation with the head of Human Resources to let them know what is going on – you will not lose your job for this, have someone go to the police with you, the more people you tell the STRONGER you will be.  If I had your FI’s name I’d report him to the police right now, myself, from Maryland.  This is serious stuff, its the kind of thing I don’t want to hear about on the news tomorrow and think I could have done something more… 

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