(Closed) DW and Bridesmaids-Vent

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

We talked to our close friends and VIPs before deciding if a destination wedding would work and were so pleasantly surprised, grateful, and lucky that it works out for most ppl to do it.  Luckily for us since a destination wedding seemed like it’d be best for the 2 of us, most of our closest friends don’t have children yet or, if they do have children, this domestic destination wedding is still well within their means and childcare options.

It isn’t fair at all to be upset if ppl don’t have money that they want to prioritize on taking trips when they have so many other obligations.  It was tight for you to spend $400 to be in your friends’ weddings- you’re asking them to spend more than double that to be in yours, so that might not be possible for all of them.  

If you absolutely have to do a destination wedding and you want these friends there, it seems like you might need to pony up for any expenses they’d have that they wouldn’t if your wedding was local (so maybe hotel and airfare).

Post # 17
Member
7646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

SkinnyLatte17:  Beating a dead horse I agree with all the PPs. A Destination Wedding is way different. I am sure if it were local your BMs wouldn’t have to really think twice about this, but the fact that they need to travel such a far distance (granted PR isn’t a different country but its like travelling to one) makes it difficult, especially with kids. As a couple, I would have said yes, but now that I have a child, I see how easy it is to say no or at least have to think about a Destination Wedding.

That being said PR would be a fabulous place to get married there, and I know a lot of people would join you in celebrating your marriage there. I loved it there.

Post # 18
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Fi and I are eloping. Mom mom wishes it would be a destination wedding but the only people who might show up are family and that’s bc they would feel like they had to, not because they wanted too. I don’t want to make people have to spend lots of vacation time and money. I  never go on vacation so I sure wouldn’t be using my vacation time or money for a destination wedding. My cousin had a destination wedding (4-5 hour drive) and my mom’s still mad at me for not using a vacation day and driving up the morning of the wedding. I made it, so who cares! She also had to book a hotel for a min of 2 nights at over $200/night). I would send a gift abd card in the mall, sorry but that’s how some people think.

Post # 19
Member
7417 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is a joke right? Just because you give them a year and a half notice doesn’t mean they have the means to save up for the trip or take vacation time for it. When you have a Destination Wedding you need to be comfortable with the fact that close friends and family may not make it. I would not pay that much or take more than a day’s vacation unless it was my very best friend. And that would only be if I had the means to save that much.

Post # 20
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

SkinnyLatte17: sorry to echo previous posters, but if your friends aren’t comfortable shelling out for your Destination Wedding, there’s not much you can do about it. 

I feel your pain (I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a bride’s hometown wedding, but her hometown was on the East Coast and I live on the West Coast…) but at the end of the day, whatever we give of ourselves is a gift. If there are strings / expectations attached, perhaps they should be made explicit or reconsidered. Just my 2 pennies.

Post # 21
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Horseradish:  Mexico is a different country though!

Post # 23
Member
7417 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

SkinnyLatte17:  Have you even read any of the other replies? Your expectations of your BMs are set very high. I would not travel without my husband so that right there is $800 for flights. I’m assuming that your friend doesn’t want to travel without her daughter (completely understandable) so that makes it $1200. I’m guessing it’s at least a three night stay? $1650. That’s a lot of money! That doesn’t even include lost work time, the dress and any other Bridesmaid or Best Man things or meals. So they’re likely looking at spending at least $2000. As someone who makes a pretty decent salary and could save that much I don’t know that I would. I’m just a little shocked at your expectations. 

Post # 24
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Have you considered paying for some of their expenses? That might help make the trip manageable.

Post # 25
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

SkinnyLatte17:   When you asked them to be in your wedding, did you tell them it was a destination wedding?  Or are you just deciding this after asking them to be in your wedding?

And while a year and a half is a long time to save up for a Destination Wedding, you never know what will happen in a person’s life where they might have to dip into savings.  New roof on the house, new furnace, accident, getting fired from their job.

Just because you were able to swing it being unemployed doesn’t mean everyone can nor should be expected to. 

Post # 26
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

SkinnyLatte17:  Just wanted to say I think it’s funny that out of all the thoughtful responses posted here, you picked the one snarky one to respond too. Any input or comments on the other more than a dozen non-snarky responses? Have you calculated an estimate of how much TOTAL, period, end of story, your BMs would end up shelling out? Even at a modest estimate I’m having a hard time believing it would be under $1,500 but I would like to hear what you think it would cost them. 

Dress: $150

Hair/Makeup: $100

Accessories & Shoes: $100

Hotel Stay for at least a weekend: $500

Flights: $400 each

So for one person on a super cheap modest estimate I’m coming up with no less than $1,500. But lets face it, if they are using vacation time they probably want their hubby’s & maybe kids there with them too because they may not have enough vacation time or income to be able to afford another family vacation. So for a family of 3 that would be $2,750- and that’s not including any food/drinks/outings/shopping or even a gift for you & your groom. 

If you really want them to make the trip and stand beside you then you are going to have make it easier than selling a kidney…. Maybe offer to pay the hotel for them or something?

 

Post # 27
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

We had a destination wedding and decided to not have a wedding party from the start for this very reason. And the close friends that we would have asked to be in the wedding party ended up not being able to go – one had started a new job and needed to save any vacation time she had for ‘just in case’ her child got sick. The other had a baby that was a few months old when we were married. They are still our close friends, we did not hold that against them that they decided not to go to our wedding. No hurt feelings, no grudges, they are not ‘less of’ friends to us because they couldn’t attend our wedding. 

And for the people we really needed to be there who we knew it would be a financial struggle for them, we paid for their plane ticket/accommodations. 

Post # 28
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I just lost my job in February, I’m not collecting unemployment, have no income, but I’m.still in my friends wedding in September. I am planning a Destination Wedding in Florida in November and I totally understand if my friends cannot afford to be there.   We plan to have a party next year. As long as they celebrate with me then I’m happy.  

 

Sadly, this day in age, with childcare and the cost of living, expecting everyone to attend a Destination Wedding is unreasonable.  If it were local that would be different.  That’s asking a friend to pay everything for the wedding (dress, alterations, shoes, etc) and then pay for the trip fir not only them but if they have family.

 

I say give them the option, if they can attend you will be thrilled, if they cannot, be understanding.  It’s a lot of $$.

Post # 29
Member
7412 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

OP, why not pay for their flights and hotels?

Post # 30
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

If you don’t like that they can’t pay for it, maybe you should pay for half of their expenses for them. That would take their expenditures down to closer to what you paid to be in each of their weddings, and probably make them feel a lot better about the situation.

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