DW for them but not for us, and other MOB disagreements

posted 3 years ago in Logistics
Post # 2
861 posts
Busy bee

There’s nothing you can really do about having everyone travel for your wedding, like you said either way people would have to travel no matter where you have it. While I think it would be nice to rent a house to help offset some of the costs of travel, in the end there are going to be family members that just can’t come. What was your moms solution for this? She knows her family will have to travel no matter where you have the wedding so they’ll have to pay for travel either way.

As far as the home wedding. I would limit it to siblings and parents being present at the wedding and then going to dinner afterwards. I don’t think a photographer is necessary but maybe a friend with a nice camera just to have some pictures of the actual ceremony, which you will want later.  The big party is meant to be later when you really want it to be. I would wait for the wedding I’ve been dreaming about. 

Post # 3
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

So just to point out some logistics:

A direct flight from San Francisco to Hawaii takes roughly the same amount of time as a direct flight from SF to NY, except SF to NY is about half the price.


So while guests would still have to travel and have travel expenses, Hawaii is a very time consuming and expensive place to get to, also factor in that you want to do this near the end of the year when everyone is travelling for holidays so expenses are even higher.

Post # 4
572 posts
Busy bee

sure everyone may be traveling for your wedding either way, but is the travel to HI that much more? HI would still be sort of a Destination Wedding for you guys too since you’re just getting settled in, no? It’s certainly a good way to cut the guest list. But if you’re eliminating people who you want to be there, it may not be worth it. 

Post # 5
7002 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hawaii is one of the most expensive places to vacation. So yes, while your guests will have to travel no matter what it’s the difference of traveling somewhere affordable vs somewhere that is considered a “once in a lifetime” vacation for most people. 

Post # 6
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Hawaii is expensive.  If you have your wedding there, you WILL be having a small one.  I was expecting 35 and will be having 20…and my list of who I was thinking WOULD come..included people who could afford it and do go to Hawaii on occasion already…and even some of them backed out.  (One was like…I’m already going in July and thats when my timeshare is so I can’t go twice in one year! blah )

Post # 7
473 posts
Helper bee

Do what’s right for you. It’s your wedding, not your mothers and unless she’s paying for the whole darn thing she really should have little say. On a sidenote: I’m SUPER jelous you get to move to Hawaii! My sister lived there for three years and loved it. I’m actually trying to talk my Fiance into having our destination wedding there. we are just inviting immediate family wherever we go but we haven’t decided the location yet!

Post # 8
355 posts
Helper bee

You & your Fiance want small and in Hawaii. Unless your mom is paying for the wedding, she gets no say in how big or where. Plus with your Fiance being an introvert, I don’t think it’s fair to push a big wedding on him for the sake of your mom. She got her wedding already, if she wants a family reunion she can plan one. 

Yea, Hawaii is more expensive to travel to, but as a guest I’d rather pay to go to a wedding in Hawaii & spend a few days there than most places in the US. If you can help offset costs that is very generous, but if you can’t then just don’t be offended when people can’t go.

As for your legal ceremony, I’d make it as small and not big of a deal as possible. Otherwise, if you have a ceremony and photographer and dinner reception, why would people spend all the money to go to the wedding inHawaii? 

Post # 9
6450 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

As others have said, Hawaii is cost-prohibitive for many people. It is also unfortunate that they would onlybe witnessing a renewal of vows and not a wedding. If your actual marriage will already be before leaving the mainland, why not do a party there for those who cannot afford to go to Hawaii? I guess I see your mum’s point.

Post # 10
6610 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

waitinglady :  If you already lived in Hawaii, no one would be telling you not to get married there despite the expense. It’s only logical as you live there.  So I think you should stick with the plan.  Unless you are accepting money toward your wedding(s) from your mom, her advice may be considered, but it’s not something you’re required to take.  It’s your wedding and your husband’s wedding.  He should not be uncomfortable just to make your mom happy, nor should you.

It sounds like you’re prepared to gracefully accept declines, so you’re doing it right.  Tell your mom thanks, but no thanks and move on.  Honestly I’d consider surprsing her with your actual wedding date, just so she can’t meddle.

Post # 11
1412 posts
Bumble bee

Wait, so are you planning on having people fly out to Hawaii for a wedding celebration/vow renewal since you’ll already be married? If so, you are planning on telling your guests, right?

Post # 12
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Yes, you might find people are even less inclined to travel to Hawaii if they know you’re already married.  Is it too early to do the wedding where you are now before going?  If not then I guess you need to tell your mom to back off.

Post # 13
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

This is so easy.  Just invite people to the actual simple wedding, NOT the PPD.  I’m not flying to Hawaii for anyone’s vow renewal, I’ll tell you that much.

Post # 14
2129 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m planning the wedding I don’t want to make other people happy. My advice: don’t go it! You’re not a child, your mum doesn’t get to choose how your weddings go. This is a decision between you and your fiancé, especially if you’re paying. Tell her no details until she needs to know them, and she can just be happy for you. If it ‘breaks her heart’ to not have a big wedding, that’s her issue, not yours. 

Post # 15
847 posts
Busy bee

waitinglady :  one of my engaged sisters was planning to marry in Hawaii this year. Now she’s keeping it local for herself  (in Vegas) because she never knew how expensive it was going to be. I’m not sure if she’s eloping or having a wedding where ppl are invited to, but I was so realived when she told me that. Hotels in Vegas can be cheap, you have the potential of getting free drinks and you can find lots of entertainment for different prices. I’m not going to lie, if my sister invited me to witness her wedding in Hawaii and didn’t tell me beforehand that she had already gotten married I’d be upset. That’s a whole different can of worms. If my sister eloped in Vegas and invited me to a post-elopement party there I’d go and party it up. I’d just do a simple wedding and invite everyone to the courthouse and then cake/punch or lunch/dinner afterwards.

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