(Closed) DW why is it looked at as a burden?

posted 6 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 136
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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Karenina:  WOAH.. calm down a bit

First of a I said spare vacation days for a friend.. not spend thousands of dollars. I, in no way, suggested if you dont shell out tons of money on a friend you don’t care but a couple of vacation days? i think, personally, that is reasonable for someone you truly care about.

I am middle class. I have time restrictions, budgetary constraints just as everyone else does , in those cases I politely decline and think NO less of my friends for having their special day where they want. That is my point. If you feel so much pressure that you cannot decline and invitation and wont hear the end of it drop your friends. They don’t care about you…

Taking a few unreasonable bees as the norm isn’t fair. If your family and friends are reasonable they will understand and you most certain can decline. That is my point… no where did I mention finances!

Post # 137
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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BeachIU05:  Your wedding sounds lovely, but I wouldn’t call a wedding in Florida a destination wedding. No one on here who lives in the US is complaining about domestic travel. They are complaining about international travel, when flights alone are $500+, you have to stay at a specific all inclusive resort, etc. 

Post # 138
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

 

ChrissyMary9515:  Guests will have to pay for their own. The ones that have agreed to come, were made aware. We aren’t blind-siding anyone. We’re paying for the cocktail hour prior to the reception. Again, if paying for the buffet yourself offends you (general you as in guest you) then I wouldn’t expect you to accept the invitation. Nor would I think one ounce less of you for it.

Maybe it’s just the bad rap that some selfish brides give to non-selfish brides…but if you don’t want to go to Vegas, if you don’t want to have to pay for flight, hotel, or food…then don’t accept. We’ll understand, and we’ll thank you for considering.

Post # 139
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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lim3:  I would also hate having to babysit someone.  My FI’s grandmother really wants to come, but the woman can’t want a city block without sitting down to rest twice.  It’s just not a good idea.  If she came she’d be sitting at the resort bitter that everyone was ignoring her to see the area.  I feel bad that she’s sad to be staying home, but unfortunately that’s just how it has to be.  My own gma is staying home by choice.  She’s happy for me and not at all bitter about being left.  I have one friend coming, and she’s actually bringing a friend as well who’s an ameture but talented photographer.  Our wedding photos are only going to cost $100 + hotel stay in a shared room that we were paying for anyways for the friend 🙂  We’re going to be in Tuscany, about an hour south of Florence.  It’ll be chilly there at the end of Nov, but I’ll tough it out for the pictures.  They have stables on sight, and I get to do horse wedding photos!   Eek!  It’s an absolute dream come true, and WAY better than anything I could do around here for the money.  I’d spend at least 10k more to do the same wedding locally. I can’t wait to have pictures to share.

Post # 140
Member
4113 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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vegasbee:  Are you actually classing yourself as a non-selfish bride?! You’re having a destination wedding AND making guests pay for their meal…. Oy..

Post # 141
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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ChrissyMary9515:  bad person? Who said that?

clearly doesn’t care? who said that?

Where are you getting these assumptions from?

Sounds like projection or guilt to me, I haven’t mentioned any of the above….

Post # 142
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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vegasbee:  Having a destination wedding and then not even providing a meal is pretty much the definition of a selfish bride. It’s DWs like yours that are giving the others a bad name. Sorrynotsorry.

Post # 143
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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Karenina:  I’m doing Destination Wedding and I’m far from wealthy!  In fact, we cut the bills close every month and rely on credit cards more than I’d like.  We wanted to have a nice wedding and not skimp on an important day.  Yes we could have saved by doing a courthouse/BBQ potluck, but that’s not what we wanted.  We’re spending roughly 10k.  That includes flights for 3, hotels for 10-12, the dress and tux, decor, and an extra week to ourselves.  It’s an absolute steal considering even a courthouse/bbq shindig would cost 2-3k minimum.  Doing a nicer wedding, equivalent to our Destination Wedding at home, we’d spend at least 20k total due mostly to high vendor/catering fees and more guests.  We’d still need to pay another 2-3k for a honeymoon, so in reality the cost difference is massive.  With our current situation we don’t have to take loans or push off other bills.  We don’t need to wait longer to save up, which means we can start trying to have a baby sooner.  It’s selfish because it’s better for our lives and harder for other people, but why would I do anything different?  It’s my wedding and my marriage.  My finances, my timeline, my future.  Just saying, there’s two sides to every story.  Everyone who has called me selfish in person makes the same assumptions that you and many others make.  They have no idea what my reasons are. I have absolutely never tried to guilt trip anyone or pressure them to come.  I know many others doing Destination Wedding that are just grateful that some could make it.  I’m happy with my guest list of 10-15.

Post # 146
Member
6214 posts
Bee Keeper

This thread has gone insane and I think a lot of points have been repeated and a lot more have been lost in the pile.  So allow me to bury this, too…

1. It’s clearly a combination of factors that makes the Destination Wedding okay.  OPs family is all for it, this really is a vacation for them.  Awesome, have fun!

2. People are complaining on all the negativity toward DWs… well that’s exactly what the thread asked for.  It didn’t say “why do you think DWs are awesome?” it said “why is it a burden”.  There’s no point in people complaining about the complaints when that’s what she asked for!

3. My opinion: if my best friend were getting married in a far away destination, I’d probably want to go.  I might not be super enthusiastic about the location (Punta Cana would not do it for me at all), but she’s my best friend of 28 or so years, so of course I’d want to go and at the same time feel kind of pressured to because it’s the ‘right’ thing to do.  So now I get a passport $110.  I get a plane ticket for myself and my spouse plus hotel room – absolutely cheapest rate on travelocity for 4 days looks like $1100 per person (basic room, no meals).  Assuming mid-august for this wedding with two days on the weekend, we’re looking at taking 2 days off of work, plus my husband occasionally has to work weekends.  That’s minus 300 bucks, say, since luckily I’m salaried.  But I am legally obligated to make up any time missed at work due to my job type, which is super high stress for me because I’m overworked as it is. I won’t get paid for that.  Oh wait, the flight is 11 hours long?  Well my first and last day at the resort sure suck then, don’t they?  Also I’d have exactly 2 friends at that wedding, including her (but she’d be busy).  My husband would know the same but not as well.  Oh yeah, and I’d be her bridesmaid (yay) but that’s an additional 300 minimum.

So now we’re at 1400 bucks approximately (no wait, multiply by 2 for my husband) for what amounts to 2 days at a resort I don’t care about for a wedding I do care about.  Oh, and I’d be spending all that time doing wedding-related stuff, not relaxing.  Now multiply that by 30 people who attend because they love her and her new husband so much.  Ouch.  If that were not my best friend in the whole world, or my sister, there is no way in hell I’d go.  I’m sorry but I could not deal with that even if I wanted a “vacation”.

I’d be happy to attend your reception at home, though!  And I wouldn’t be offended, incidentally, I just wouldn’t go to the Destination Wedding portion.

What it all boils down to in the end are the wedding couple’s expectations. If they want as many people as possible to attend, they need to do it as close to home.  If, like me, they have widespread family, or like OP, they really want the Destination Wedding, they need to lower their expectations about who is coming and be sure not to be offended by the results.  I’d be happy to be asked, but I wouldn’t get there, most likely.

Post # 147
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Every destination wedding I attend means we are that much further away from our dream vacation. Now, if someone happened to have a wedding at Disney World, that would be awesome! But until that happens, I won’t be pumped about being assigned a vacation spot.

Post # 148
Member
6549 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

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vegasbee:  you’re fogetting that some people will not ever turn down a wedding invitation. They either love you too much or have too good manners or too strong a sense of obligation. So while you might not exactly be blindsiding them, you’re certainly not treating them very well. After all, how many of them would be going to Vegas that day if it were not for you? And you aren’t even buying them a buffet pass. That’s harsh. Declining gifts doesn’t equal being a hospitable hostess.  Ha ha I guess your guests TAKE THE CAKE cause you sure as heck won’t give the cake to them!

Post # 149
Member
3108 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

There are some serious “WTF did I just read” moments on this thread. 

Post # 150
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I love destination weddings….to decline. It’s the perfect excuse to not have to attend a wedding IMO and nobody can be mad about it. I moved out of my home state 3 years ago and consider any wedding I have to fly in for a “destination” wedding.

Ironically, I am having a destination wedding to avoid guests and spend some quality fun time with 5-6 immediate family members. Let me clarify by also stating myself and fiance are only people we know living in this state, so even immediate family would have to travel somewhere.

If you and your SO have moved out of state for jobs etc, a destination wedding is probably ok and appropriate. People maybe haven’t seen you in awhile and want to hang out.

If you are having a destination wedding outside the hometown that you, and your entire family live in, then thats selfish IMO. Just go elope.

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