(Closed) DW why is it looked at as a burden?

posted 6 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 16
Member
7531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I love DW’s but I have the time and expenses to throw at them plus a love of travel. But I still think they can be a burden onto guests. 

I also think it comes down to attitude as well. You seem really laidback but some brides (not just Destination Wedding brides) are so not. When brides start throwing out entitled attitudes it makes them and their wedding look bad. Unfortunately this site gets a fair few entitled Destination Wedding brides complaining about guests not coming/lack of presents and generally not understanding that their extra expensive to guests wedding can be a stretch to other people. The amount of posts from brides commenting on how they think other people should spend their hard earnt money on their wedding is staggering.

Post # 17
Member
1364 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

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Kate127:  I would only be interested if the only other guests were my immediate family. Maybe my brother will marry my sister or something and I can go on a nice vacation.

Post # 18
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee

Destination weddings are a hassle. They probably are thinking it but not saying it to your face. If I wanted to go on a romantic getaway I would plan one with my fiance to somewhere we wanted to go where I didn’t have to spend a day focusing on a wedding and taking up my vacation time. 

We have two destination weddings coming up. One I am in in October and it has been a ridiculous hassle and so expensive. It’s costing me 4k after everything is said and done, of course, some of that is because we are staying longer then the THREE days that I must be down there for the wedding. So I have three days of my vacation that I have to do wedding things. We have to travel to cancun, where I will probably burn to a crisp because I’m so pale, not where we would have picked to spend a vacation. We have to stay at the resort that they are having the wedding at or we have to pay a fee. The bride said she was going to help us and hasn’t offered to pay for anything. The price quote she gave us, when I agreed to be a bridesmaids, was way off. We had to go through her Father In law to book because they get a discount, and that was a hassle, we literally just booked our hotel after trying to get in touch since February. They can’t even actually get married down there because of all the rules in mexico. So I’m using vacation time to go to a thirty minute ceremony on the beach and they aren’t even having a reception. They are having dinner at the resort hotel, which is ALL INCLUSIVE, so I’m paying for my own damn dinner. It’s expensive, it’s a pain, and not what I want to deal with on my vacation and not what I want to use up my vacation time.

his brother is also getting married next May and they are just a hot mess. They don’t know where they are having yet, so by the time they FINALLY decide we are going to have to jump on booking and requesting time off, which is going to be really hard for me because that is our busy season at my work. 

It’s just a pain and ends up being way more expensive then it should be and sorry I’m super bias and annoyed with these destination wedding experiences that I’ve had.

Post # 19
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’ve been to a great Destination Wedding and wouldn’t think the worse of a friend who wanted one, – as long as they are realistic about people choosing not to attend. 

The PPs have all covered the main reasons they CAN be seen as a burden. For me, more than the expense, it is the chunk out of our precious annual leave. People also often schedule lots of activities before and after the wedding day which can be awkward, I’d prefer to maximise vacation time with my OH rather than making small talk at a BBQ with your grandmas, uncle Bob etc. who I’ve already spent a long day with. 

Where the expense thing is more galling is the increasing number of resorts/hotels that realise that by offering a very cost effective wedding and accommodation package to the happy couple, they will make the money on the guests accommodation and ancillary costs, – so effectively your guests are helping you fund your dream wedding and honeymoon which subverts the whole host/guest convention. 

A Destination Wedding doesn’t have to be like I’ve described above though, my friend chose Italy and sourced and signposted very cheap flights (UK bee here) for people and we had a choice of accommodation including real budget options from and to which they laid on transport to their venue. The day itself was terrific with a high quality, copious wedding breakfast at the small boutique mountain village hotel they chose as their venue and there was free flowing wine. There was a beach BBQ the day before but it was emphatically voluntary (we weren’t flying in in time). 

As long as you are mindful of the pitfalls, I’m sure you can have a wonderful Destination Wedding that your friends enjoy. Remember the “you get one day” rule day still applies so if you’re expecting a week all about the wonder of you then you’re expecting too much from all but immediate family. Having incurred significant travel costs for your guests, a cocktail, canapés and a slice of cake is not appropriate hosting, you need to look after them to show you value their commitment in attending.

We held our tiny wedding in London rather than our native Yorkshire, we chose to pay for the accommodation for all our guests, irrespective of the fact that none of them struggle for money, because we didn’t want them to incur additional costs or stress due to our decision. I don’t think that’s strictly necessary although it should be considered for elderly relatives or impecunious family members.

Post # 20
Member
5521 posts
Bee Keeper

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Beautyandthebusiness:  Holidays are something I really look forward to, and I enjoy choosing where we’re going and researching it, picking a hotel, etc. It is also time that is precious to us as a couple, as it is time just for us, with no other people/distractions. 

So, my issues with DWs are:

1) Having to use vacation time (and money) to go somewhere we probably wouldn’t choose to visit. 

2) Not having time as a couple due to wedding activities/being surrounded by other guests. 

I would attend one for a best friend or sibling, but it would be grudgingly. I also would make a point of staying at a different hotel if at all possible. 

Post # 21
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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ahartig:  That’s dreadful and just the kind of Destination Wedding that gives them a bad name. I don’t understand how they can demand a fee if you stay at another resort! I can only assume that fee is a charge to the couple that they are meanly and wrongly passing on to you. If not then they should still offer to pay. With respect to their understating the real costs to you, it’s amazing how cavalier some people are with other people’s money. 

Post # 22
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Its a nice idea but it puts a lot of the expense onto the Guest.

We are going to NYC in August and were sold on it being a fun trip away with not a lot of people and that we would have plenty of time to look around.

Now with all of the ‘events’ leading up, I won’t get to do half of the things I wanted to do and was told there would be time to do.

Obviously I am ecstatic that one of my best friends is starting her life with her soulmate but I am a little peeved that we have to make it a whole week event! Including 2 Hen Do’s!

Post # 23
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee

I love DWs and was quite surprised to see how they’re received on the Bee. I think it might be a regional thing in my case though as I am in Australia and we travel often and most people can get leave pretty easily. It’d only be a bit mean if there were say elderly relatives who weren’t well enough to travel. 

Post # 24
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee

Also, side note. For the wedding I am in october that is a Destination Wedding, I am spending more then half of what their wedding is going to cost them just get down there…. I understand it’s a great cheaper option for the the couple, but I should not be spending close to how much money your wedding is going to cost, to go. 

Post # 25
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’d rather have my vacations where I want to be, not where some couple wants me to be. Plus maybe i don’t want to see all those family members and friends on my vacation,  maybe i don’t want to spend my vacation  days obsessing about someone else’s wedding. Maybe i don’t want to spend a ton of cash on travel,  hotel,  food, vacation time off work,  arranging care for my two shepherds at home,  spending all the extra money that is definitely associated with a wedding our of the country, plus a gift for the couple.  If I’m gonna drop all those resources on a wedding it would be for my own wedding and honeymoon, not on any friend’s or family member’s.

Post # 26
Member
7531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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ahartig:  my Destination Wedding (the ceremony & reception costs only) actually cost more than a wedding at home so it really does depend. On top of the actual wedding costs we also paid for everyone’s travel expenses including covering the wages of a couple of guests as it meant the difference between coming or not. We only invited family and people we were really close to. So in all it cost us way over the average cost of an at home wedding ($30k is about the average cost here).

I really hate those all inclusive places for weddings though. No matter how you cut it the bride and groom end up cost shifting the cost of their wedding onto the guests (some AI’s don’t charge for food and other’s give upgrades or free stays to the couple depending on the number of rooms booked). Charging a fee to attend is money grabbing and should be covered by the bride and groom.

Post # 27
Member
7531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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Beegritte:  I do think it is regional too. I’m an aussie as well and so many people have DW’s. I think it is a combination of our love to travel and the cost of weddings in Australia. 

Post # 28
Member
6375 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

It depends on where it is. I’ve never attended a local wedding in my life, largely because of the tradition of the wedding being held where the bride grew up. So for every wedding I’ve ever been to, there has been expense, time off work, etc etc. In fact, depending on the destination, I would say that a destination wedding could be cheaper than one in the UK for guests, especially if you got the details well in advance and could book cheap weekend tickets.

Post # 29
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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Beautyandthebusiness:  the reason why it’s a burden is going to Punta Cana is great…if I want to go, have the disposable income, and vacation time. And if I want a group vacation. The thing is, most guests don’t have all those things. They’re expensive and take limited vacation time, so going to your wedding means I can’t do the vacation I want to do.

Most people will say they’re excited to your face, because they’re excited to see you get married. They will put up with the expensive group vacation because witnessing your marriage is so important

Post # 30
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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Beautyandthebusiness:  

One of my best friends is about to have a Destination Wedding in NC…  DH and I are attending because I want to support her and witness her marriage, because I am so happy for her!  But DH and I are just starting our careers.  We are penny pinching so that we can save for a house and a baby.  Vacation is the last thing on our minds right now, but even if it wasn’t, North Carolina is NOT where we would choose to go.  I love the beach, but I’ve been to NC beaches and we both much prefer going way further south for them. 

 

Nevertheless, we are going and having to pay for two nights (though we split that cost by sharing a hotel room with another broke couple), so we can sleep in the hotel when we finally arrive, and sleep in the hotel when the wedding is over, right before we leave (we are driving 10 hours, because it was MUCH cheaper than a flight).

 

While my experience is only a few hundred dollars in comparison to many who have to spend a few thousand to go to DWs, it is a lot of money for us right now–a burden.  But I’m not going to miss her wedding, so we sucked it up and are going.

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