(Closed) DW why is it looked at as a burden?

posted 6 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 121
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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amanda1988:  I see where you are going here, however normally people live close to their family and friends. A destination wedding becomes a financial burden when a majority of your guests are local, and are now forced to travel instead. If you have a destination wedding somewhere that requires a passport, now 100% of your guests are forced to spend $1,000 and up to attend. 

Post # 122
Member
892 posts
Busy bee

 

For those people saying “you aren’t forcing guests to come”, you are doing the exact opposite.  You are forcing them to NOT come to your wedding.

Post # 123
Member
8674 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

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princessandthepear:  Totally hear you there.  I think you’re right that it’s more if you’re like us and our friends–where everyone you know lives far away.  Everyone we know has just moved (within the past 5 years or so ) to start a new career or go to a new school etc.. so rarely are more than 5-10% of guests local, if that much.

Also I guess I never think about passports–I have two valid passports right now and am trying for a third. 😉 (JK, sort of, maybe, depends who’se asking).

As I mentioned… just one bee’s POV, haha.  And obviously a biased one, as you pointed out.

 

Post # 124
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I honestly am always surprised by how much negativity people on these boards have towards destination weddings. People are very welcome to decline and I feel as though some people treat the invitation as a demand to come and spend thousands of dollars, when really all it is …is an invitation. Saying, if you want to come great, if not, we get it.

We had a domestic destination in Florida and we were very understanding for those who couldn’t come. Even when I asked my bridesmaids, I let them know it’d be in Florida and if they felt they couldn’t do it, that’s fine…I get it. Additionally, for our destination wedding, as it was a Saturday evening, no one had to take time off work. They could’ve flown in late Friday or early Saturday and be fine.

As far as destination weddings being cheaper? I’m sure they can be but we by no means saved any money on ours, we actually spent more than a lot of couples do on local weddings.

Personally, my now husband and I have friends and family all of the country, so there was no one location where it would be local for the majority of our guests. No matter where we had it, most of our guests would’ve had to significantly travel anyways, so by having it in Florida we were able to have it in a super great location where everyone could enjoy (if they wanted to).

Additionally, for those guests that did choose to arrive earlier, we hosted a party the Thursday night so we fed them dinner & drinks, as well as a beach welcome party the next day with food and drinks. The hotel where the reception was at was walking distance from everything and we really tried our best to make it as easy and seamless for our guests as much as possible.

Post # 125
Member
77 posts
Worker bee

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BeachIU05:  I guess here is the difference in mentality.  Some people say that guests are not forced to go, and if you can travel, great.  If not, then no big deal.  I think that is where some of the negativity comes from.  For my wedding, I thought “I want as many of my family and friends as possible to be there, so I want to make sure my reception is convenient for them to come.”  With a destination wedding, and saying that you are ok with guests not coming, then to some people, they hear “Location is more important than who comes, so I’m having my wedding in —- and if you can’t come, then I don’t really care because I’m just happy to be getting married on a beach.”  To me, that doesn’t really sound like the person actually wants his/her family and friends to be there to share in the special day.  I would LOVEEEE to get married and Italy, but not at the cost of not being able to have everyone there.  To me, that is more important.

Post # 126
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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Artie52:  I hear you.  I notice that kind of blind or black & white mentality on a number of subjects here and it can be disheartening.

I’m not at all offended by destination weddings.  I think they can be very fun.  I’ve never felt bad to decline a friend’s Destination Wedding.  But I would feel pressure to attend a relative’s Destination Wedding for a few reasons.  A major one would be to escort my mother since she cannot travel alone.  That would be tough because I’d just as well be trapped on an island resort with criminally insane escapees off their meds than trapped on an island resort with my family.  This is what I would explain to the OP would be my burden personally. But me not wanting to vacation with my family doesn’t really have anything to do with the marrying couple, that’s my thing not theirs.  A Destination Wedding in Italy or anywhere overseas/not all inclusive would give me space from family so it wouldn’t be an issue. I’d love to go to Destination Wedding overseas actually.

Someone earlier in the thread (might have been you) said something like a Destination Wedding is like eloping but with some invited to witness IF THEY CHOOSE.  That is pretty much how I think of them.

I thought a lot about doing what youre doing when I got engaged but my Fiance wanted a big hometown family wedding.  We both regret not doing it your way or just plain old eloping with no witnesses/guests.  We hated our wedding.  

Where in Italy?  Please post a recap!

 

 

Post # 127
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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petittaam:  I think this is where a difference in circumstances has a huge impact. As i mentioned, my husband and I have no ‘local’ area. We grew up in different areas and we live far away from where either of us grew up as well. All of our friends and family honestly live all over the country (and world), so no matter where we had it, everyone would’ve had to travel. I think this is why a destination wedding worked for us and works so well for other couples with a similar situation. 

Post # 128
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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petittaam:  I think what you described is part of the appeal of a destination wedding.  It helps whittle your guest list down naturally so you don’t have to be the bad guy by not inviting anyone.  So for couples that desire a smaller more intimate wedding the fact that not everyone will come actually falls in the bonus column, not the minus column.  The Destination Wedding does the work for you.  

You could argue that the couple should just elope then if they don’t want anyone there but this also ruffles a lot of feathers.  A lot of parents get really upset over this & cause the couple a lot of grief because of it.  In those instances a Destination Wedding might be the best comprimise for all.  

Post # 129
Member
6331 posts
Bee Keeper

Sometimes you just have family and friends around the country or around the world, but to me, a Destination Wedding is when you purposely have your wedding far from where you or your family live solely for its location.

I’ve never been invited to a Destination Wedding, but I can see it being more expensive to attend than a regular wedding. It’s not just travel cost but also time away from your work, as well as making it work with your spouse +/- kids. 

Post # 130
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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MeandMyLouboutins:  Yes, of course there are social expectations, but some are more reasonable than others.

Like someone above you just posted, I am also a teacher, and to take off multiple days and fly somewhere on a teacher’s salary would be a huge burden (not to mention look really bad to the administration as the PP mentioned!).

So, some social expectations are reasonable. Like, hey, I will attend Thanksgiving dinner with my family and I will dress reasonably in public and I will go out for drinks for my friends’ birthdays. But blowing thousands of dollars I don’t have and impacting my career?

 

Really, the more I read this thread, the more it comes down to a class issue. Those posters who are wealthy just don’t get how difficult it is for the rest of us plebes to attend destination weddings. Us silly ‘47%’, we just don’t work HARD enough and therefore we CLEARLY don’t care about our friends. Seriously?

Yes, if my friend’s life was in danger, I’d shell out money to save her life. But weddings, while they are great, are not the end and be-all. But I guess you and your loboutins don’t have that perspective. Fantastic. Enjoy it. But don’t imply that people don’t care about their friends if they can’t just drop a cool couple thou. I didn’t know I had to buy my friends.

ETA: This implies that my friends would drop me if I couldn’t attend their weddings. Definitely not trying to throw my friends under the bus! I am trying to speak in a general sense- I see so many people, both online and in real life, who get upset about friends/family attending or not attending weddings, and I think it’s really unfair. So I get that many brides doing DWs understand the process, but I also see many who don’t and are unfair towards family/friends.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Karenina.
Post # 131
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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craigslistgirl:  That’s what a Destination Wedding wedding is to me too.

Post # 132
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

This is going to be an unpopular opinon, but…oh well. I get DW’s are a hassle for guests. I guest that DW’s can be expensive, time consuming, and with the wrong kind of bride, terrible. It’s the GENERALIZATIONS that make DW’s sound more terrible than they are. Are there pushy brides? Yep. Are there selfish brides? Yep. Are there Destination Wedding brides that understand that by having a Destination Wedding that their guests…even those close to them…won’t be able to come? Yep. Are there Destination Wedding brides (and grooms for that matter) that don’t enjoy being the center of a 300 guest wedding, and chose to go Destination Wedding in a means to keep it small? Hi, it’s nice to meet you.

As a future Destination Wedding bride, I get the hassle, the time, the money, the scheduling that goes into a Destination Wedding. Do I feel like Aunt Jo is more important to me than Aunt Sue because Aunt Jo can afford to go and Aunt Sue can’t? Nope. Did I create my Destination Wedding in an effort to eliminate Aunt Sue because I like Aunt Jo more? Nope. In fact…it wasn’t my understand that MY wedding had to be planned out around my GUESTS. It was my understanding that MY wedding was just that. Mine. Well…ours…but you get what i’m saying.

This is what’s wrong with the world today. Everyone wants a reason to be mad at someone. Why is it difficult to say “i’m really excited you’re getting married in (instert Destination Wedding here) but unfortunately, we just can’t make it.” What would my response be? I’m sorry to hear that, but I appreciate you thinking about it! My issue is with trying to please everyone. Unfortunately, not everyone will be pleased, Destination Wedding or not. All I know, is as a Destination Wedding bride, I really REALLY hope, the majority opinion on this board about DW’s aren’t how my guests will feel. Will it make me change my mind? Nope. Again…refer back to it’s MY (our) wedding.

It’s sad that people are jaded by bad experiences. Although…i’m sure this would be enough to set most off….

We’re going to Vegas

We aren’t reserving blocks at the hotel

We aren’t paying for the buffet we will be using as our reception

We will make sure that EVERYONE knows that this is a vacation. We’re getting married Friday. Please be at the wedding Friday. What you do before or after that? Totally up to you.

We will provide transportation to and from the chapel

We will be gracious. We will NOT expect gifts (in fact we’ve made it quite verbally known no one better be getting a gift, their attendance IS the gift)

I understand it’s all a “whatever floats your boat” thing. I know not everyone will always approve of what you do, but damn if people don’t need to lay off of Destination Wedding brides some. We are not vilians. We just happen to want what we want. Much as you wanted your hometown wedding, courthouse wedding, ourdoor wedding, barn wedding….etc. Sometimes places have special meanings. We were engaged in Vegas. Marrying there seemed like a wonderful, thoughtful thing to us.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by vegasbee.
  • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by vegasbee.
Post # 133
Member
5974 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

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Beautyandthebusiness:  I haven’t read any of the many responses but to me a vacation doesn’t include my friend’s friends and families. I would enjoy a vacation with a few close friends or family members but not as a large group with many people I didn’t know.

Also, Punta Cana isn’t on my list of places I want to vacation to. So in my mind, it’s not a vacation, it’s a very expensive wedding to attend.

Post # 134
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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vegasbee:  When you say you won’t be paying for the buffet (i.e. your reception) do you mean… it’s free? Or that your guests will have to pay for their own food? Just curious

Post # 135
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I haven’t read through all the posts, so forgive me if it’s been repeated.

For me, it would be time off and money. I only get so many days a year for vacation (no PTO, straight vacation days) and like using a certain number of them around holidays, and then they get used for other stuff that comes up. However, if I knew well in advance and was really close with the couple – I would consider using some days for their Destination Wedding and a small trip.

But, cost is also a factor. DH and I went on our belated honeymoon in February to the Domincan Republic (Majestic Elegance in PUnta Cana), and that about $3,700 for a week. Again, knowing about the Destination Wedding months in advance would help us save some money – but unless it was a good price (and we knew the couple very well), we’d really have to consider.

This isn’t a Destination Wedding, but an aunt and uncle of DH are doing vow renewals for their 40th in a couple weeks. We opted not to go, as airline tickets were very expensive, and since I don’t know what I am approved for off around teh holidays, I didn’t want to use any possible vacation days for just a long weekend that would cost us over $1K. So, we opted to stay home while DH’s parents, and his sisters family (his brother’s family is not going as well) are going.

However, After being at an AI resort on our honeymoon… we would actually LOVE to be invited to a Destination Wedding so that we could consider it a mini-vacation. So, even with the factors mentioned above… as long as planning is well done and done in advance – you can figure stuff out.

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