(Closed) Dying father living with my FI & I, just realized I can't do it

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

No, you’re not horrible. If I were you I wouldn’t want to have him live with me.I’d figure out a way for everyone to pitch in and send him to live in a home. he’ll be taken care of and you can still go visit him as much as you want.

Post # 4
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

im sorry you’re going through this… hmm the only idea that comes to mind is that maybe you and your siblings could take turns with your father, 2 or 3 weeks each, so that would give you enough time to rest. But then again i dont know if that would risk your dad’s health even more :/

Post # 5
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You are not a horrible person. My mom took care ohe my grandmother (her mom) while she died of stomach cancer. It was hard and she hated every minute of it.  My grandmother was terrible to her and said the most hateful things. 

Can one of your siblings stay for more than an hour so you can get out of the house for a while?  Can you look into hospice care for him beyond the twice weekly nurses visits?

You have my sympathies. 

Post # 6
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Caring is a really hard job. The best situation I’ve seen is when the patient (father) stays in his own home and loved ones take turns in agreed upon blocks to care for him (be it a day, as week etc).  You could try something like this. But there are always hostels/homes that will be able to provide great care to your father as well, if you need to go down that route. Nobody will think less of you for being unable to shoulder this situation as it stands now. 

Post # 7
7211 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@unknow123:  I am so sorry you’re going through this! I was the primary caregiver for my mom for several years and have watched as many of my cousins have served that role for their parents. It’s so incredibly hard, tiring, emotionally draining… you should feel absolutely no shame in not being able to deal with it. Everyone I know had a LOT of support and were still tramautized by the whole situation.

You have a few options. You should definitely get your siblings together and tell them how you’re feeling. Together, you can decide what’s best. A few options:

You can get him into a care facility

You can have a night nurse come in

Your siblings can each take a night or two, staying in your home to care for him. 

It is very very important that you take care of yourself as well. Even if they could only take over on the weekendends, you would have that time to recharge and have it to look forward to. Right now, you’re just in it and thinking about the months ahead. If it was only a few more days until you had a break, it might be more tolerable. If they could take a weekend at your house, you maybe could stay at theirs or just go to a cheap motel for the night. 

Post # 8
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@unknow123:  You are not a horrible person.  There is nothing wrong with realizing you are in over your head and cannot be a caregiver to your father.

If you are unbale to provide 24 hour care then you are responsible as his current caregiver to hire someone else to do it or place him in a facility that will do it.  Have you looked into home health services?  They can come by once a day for a few hours to assist you in caring for him (feed him, bath him, change him, etc…)  If that is not an option, does he qualify for assisted living or hospice?

There are also local respite services that can provide a sitter for a few hours so you can get out of the house to relax, go on a date, get a pedicure/massage, etc…  You should be taking a break out of the house and away from your father at least one day per week for at least 2 hours.  You need it for yourself and your sanity.

I think it’s time for a family meeting (leave Dad out of it so he doesn’t feel like a burden) so you can voice your concerns and discuss options.  Once you have a new plan of action, then sit Dad down to discuss it.

Post # 9
1777 posts
Buzzing bee

Is the visiting nurse of the hospice variety?  If not, get him signed up for hospice.  Those caregivers are angels and can help you figure out how to proceed.  They may be able to give you a time frame, they can sometimes find people to come in and give you and your Fiance a break.  They know the resources and how to get them quickly.

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult emotional time. 


Post # 10
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Sweetie, what you’re doing is too much for you. Can you research local outreach, hospice, caregivers, medicaid, anything to get you and your father (and FI) more support?? I really feel for you; being an adult caregiver is INCREDIBLY difficult. It’s too much for you!

Post # 11
1844 posts
Buzzing bee

You aren’t terrible at all!  Your father needs more care than many people are able to give and that is NO shortcoming!

Do you have any idea what your options are?  Assisted living?  Hospice facility?  Another sibling taking him in?

Are you from the US?  Is your dad an honorably discharged veteran?  If so, he may qualify for a place at a VA facility.  Check into it!  My dad would have qualified but he had too many assets.

Good luck to you and do know you have been and are a wonderful daughter.  You have been far more forgiving than most would be and that in itself is beyond special.

Post # 12
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Besides hospice, have you heard of respite care? Your wedding is right around the corner, respite care can give you like a week break. Just a suggestion.

Post # 13
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I have no advice, but I just wanted to give you emotional support.  Cancer sucks.  Whatever happens: you are an amazing daughter.

Post # 14
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Your not a horrible person for feeling overwelled by this, its alot of work, my father passed away 2 1/2 years ago he was my best friend and pretty much my own family (dont have a close relationship with mother)  I know how much work it is and how hard it is to see it happen, Honestly even though its hard and stressful, take this time even if its not very pleasant as time with your father, because once someone passes you wish that you could have more time and memories with them, Maybe ask your brother and sister if they can come over and help you out so not all the burden is on you.

Post # 15
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You are not horrible.  You are a caregiver.  And that is hard work. 

My Mom had metastatic breast cancer.  Spread to her brain and bones.  I cared for her for about six months. And then it became too much.  I found a hospice facilty.  And that was where she spent her final two months.  She LOVED it though!  And actually kind of bounced back a little bit. She was having a great time socializing with the people there and having her nails done.  It was great to see her happy.  And I could rest because I knew that she was safe and I didn’t have to worry that that thump was her falling out of bed.


Be kind to yourself.  Ask for the help that you need.  Reach out to The American Cancer Society.  They have all kinds of programs to help people.  Caregivers included.


Message me if you want to talk/vent or whatever.

My thoughts are with you……

Post # 16
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You are not a horrible person and you should not be caring for your dad without real help from your siblings . Have you asked them to help you?Which state do you live in? I can research programs in your area for you, if you’d like.

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