Post # 1
As some may know, my BF has testicular cancer and will be getting surgery this afternoon. The plan was that I would be present before, during and after his surgery while he recovers. I’m also supposed to visit him at his parents home (he lives with them) tonight to keep him company. BF and I discussed this last night.
I get an e-mail from Future Mother-In-Law who does not approve of me. It says, “We are taking J to the surgery and will stay the whole time. We are also taking him home and caring for him tonight”. If you want to know his progress, he will contact you.
I am PISSED because I know they just don’t want me around. They couldn’t care less that I am all about supporting their son during this time. SO and I agreed that I would see him through the entire process and visit every day. SO is not answering his phone. He’s been sleeping a lot lately.
Should I call/e-mail his parents and say “Thank you for the update, however J and I agreed that I would be present for the surgery, so I will see you both later today”, or just ignore this e-mail? I could just show up and act pleasantly surprised to see them, and just sit in the waiting room with them for 6 hours. I don’t care if it’s awkward. They are the ones who created this tension, and I have nothing to apologize for. I am supporting J because I intend on spending my life with him.
E-mail them back or just show up? SO is expecting me to be with him since I took the day off.
Post # 3
Yeah, just show up and tell them in person if they say anything about you being there.
Post # 4
I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend 🙁
I would write back and say something like “Thanks for your email. J and I discussed that I would be there before and after as well, so I’ll meet you all there”. And leave it at that. Short and sweet. His mom obviously has some issues, but I am sure this is a very difficult time for her as well. I’m afraid if you just show up and catch them off guard that it could create even more problems/drama.
Post # 5
I’d just show up and pretend I’d never seen the email.
Post # 6
The email you thought of is perfect. I’m glad he’s finally sticking up for you. Ignore any replies you get after you send your email.
Post # 7
Yep, I say just show up and do whatever you were going to do anyway. Act like you never read the email and don’t bring it up unless they do.
Post # 8
I would email them so that they know what to expect as I am sure that this is a stressful time for them too – the email that you drafted is polite and firm which is great. If they give you any trouble, just reiterate politely that you are part of J’s life and you are going to be there for him as that is more important to you than thier approval. Sending you warm thoughts and prayers for you and your Fiance at this time.
Post # 9
I’m a big fan of direct communication if you’re going to say something ahead of time, call them on the phone and have a conversation about it. Just say “I understand how you feel, however, J and I have already discussed this and I’d like to honour his wishes I’m sure you would like to do the same”
Then bring a book or a magazine so you don’t need to make any awkward conversation!
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
I would show up and be like “Oh hey…” and act like you hadn’t seen the email. The Mom is clearly trying to cut you out of this…. a lot of mothers can be like that. Since you aren’t engaged yet (right?) she probably doesn’t see your relationship as permanent. Which sucks but its just how some moms are.
Good luck with the surgery.
Post # 11
I probably just show up and be SUPER SUPER NICE…. kill em with kindness as they say.
Post # 12
So sorry you are going through this. I am pretty sure I remember your previous posts about his parents from hell. Did you ever have a talk with him about standing up for you? This crap needs to stop, like yesterday and it is time you put your foot down and make it known that you will not be treated like a second class citizen.
I wouldn’t even acknowledge the e-mail. I would just show up, smile, say hello and leave it at that. You are there for your BF, not them.
Post # 13
I would show up with a book. They have no right to exclude you from this situation.
sending good thoughts your way. ..
Post # 15
I would act like I didn’t see the e-mail and just show up. If he wants you there she has no right to tell you no. If you continue to stand your ground she may back off and realize you’re not going anywhere.
I hope the surgery goes well.
Post # 16
Oh, and one other suggestion – be very sweet, not matter what! I don’t mean fake-sweet… but in my experience, the best way to win over someone like that is to ‘kill ’em with kindness.’
I know it’s hard, but the more unreasonable she becomes, the nicer/more understanding/more empathetic you should try to be (while gently but firmly holding your ground where it matters – like being at the hospital). I have found that by consistently behaving this way, you can eventually disarm the other person. In the end, their criticisms start to sound hollow to others, and eventually to themselves.
Good luck, with your SO’s surgery and his mom!