(Closed) Early RSVP on STD?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

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lindsayann916:  Just say no.  Plans can change in the many months between when the STD is sent and when the RSVP is due.  If you send a STD then an invite must follow regardless of if a person said they could not attend.  And really all the possible flip flopping that could happen with guests saying yes they will come and then no they can’t and then yes they can just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Honestly, I view this early RSVP with the STD as this couple thinking that their wedding is the most important thing in the world.  It isn’t.  No one needs to RSVP that freaking early for a wedding.

Post # 3
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think it’s a good idea.  We sent out STD cards to those invited to the whole day, put our website address on the card and the site has a contact form and asks anyone who already knows they definitely can’t make it to let us know.  We also did a facebook event for evening-only invitees so we can get an idea of numbers ahead of time, also saves printing and postage on invites if we know someone can’t come!  We didn;t ask everyone to RSVP now though, just those who for sure can’t come

Post # 4
Member
13576 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Etiquette would tell you that this is inappropriate.  A Save the Date is not an invitation and people should not be expected to know what may be  happening so far in advance or to give you a reply that early.  It is  considered presumptuous and even rude to try to pin down the date in competition with other social events. Traditional etiquette even frowns on mass mailed STDs themselves for this reason, preferring  personal communication with those who really have to know.

The standard wedding invitation used to be issued  4-6 weeks ahead.  With travel it’s commonly 6-8 now. 

Post # 5
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

I also want to add that asking for RSVPs so early just scerams that you are going to be doing a B-list.  It is like “hey if you know that you can’t make it 9 months before please let us know so that we can fill in your spots with other people.”  Then it is less about actually wanting certain people at your wedding and more about filling seats because everyone is replacable.

Post # 6
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

I personally wouldn’t do it. Plans can change and I wouldn’t want the hassle of having to get updates from people who said yes, then changed to no or vice versa.

Post # 7
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee

If you send STDs the few people who really know they can’t make it (long saved for vacation planned, grandparent’s 50th anniversary, work trip, etc) will probably reach out and tell you so. I’d bet that approaching 99% of the guests just won’t know for sure if it will work for them until closer.

Post # 8
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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freckles071611:  Or maybe the couple would in an ideal world like to invite everyone on their list but due to the expense of it all have to limit their numbers, so would rather offer a declined spot to someone on the ‘B-list’ than not have them there at all?

That’s certainly why we asked if people could let us know if they’re already sure they can’t come.  We’ve got a huge list of people we want to celebrate with, but we simply cannot afford that so we don’t want to waste any of the places we’ve budgeted for on a no-show.  

Post # 9
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

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sydneyfrancis88:  Sorry but b-lists are rude.  Everyone knows that weddings can be expensive and also that you are not able to invite everyone you want.  I personally would take offense if I knew I was only getting an invite because a person on your A-list declined.  I would much rather not be invited and understand that cuts had to be made then to be a second hand guest.  I would feel like a seat filler then someone you truly wanted at your wedding.  Because if you really and truly wanted me there then you would have planned differently.

Post # 10
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Cambridge Mill

This is a tough one. Where it would be awesome to know ahead of time, I think if you send out regular STD’s your friends and family that know for sure they can’t make it will probably come out and tell you anyways.

We have a lot of people we want to be there but we are limiting ourselves to 90-100 people to stay on budget. If we did know some couldn’t make it ahead of time it would help but we aren’t asking anyone to RSVP. Like PP’s said things could change as it’s too early and I don’t think it would be well received by the guests.

Post # 11
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t see how you can trust the number of Yes responses that early on. I feel like this could just cause more headaches if you end up expecting X amount of people, and in reality you end up with much more or less than expected.

Post # 12
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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freckles071611:  There’s no rude intention in it, it’s just practicalities.  I think it’s pretty selfish to read into how ‘important’ you are based on when/how you receive a wedding invite compared to other guests.  I’d just be glad to be included in someone’s day!  I’ve gotten plenty of late invitations or evening only ones and I’ve never seen that as rude at all.  

I know this is maybe just a UK thing, but here it’s perfectly acceptable to have ‘whole day’ and ‘evening only’ invites.  We’re less restricted on cost foir evening so we’ve invited everyone on our list to that, and everyone is welcome to the ceremony…it’s just the dinner that’s super expensive per head but we do have a minimum number for the venue so we need to fill the spaces that are left (and we’d haver everyone there for everythign if money weren’t an issue)

Post # 13
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee

I think it’s a terrible idea. People get so confused with wedding RSVP’s as it is (do I get a +1, how do I fill this card out, etc etc) why add to the mess by doing an initial pass at a RSVP? Plus, plans change and if you ask me if I can come to something 8+ months in advance, I’m not going to have a clue. I also think it would be very rude not to send a formal invitation just because you already know the person is coming. Invitations have a lot of pertinent information on them and are the proper way to ask someone to an event. 

Post # 14
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Beach house

We didn’t mention anything specific about “early rsvp” on our save the dates, but we did have our wedding website on there. On our website we have a link to our RSVP page, and a few people went ahead and RSVP’d early. They are people we knew would be a definite yes from the start, but I think if the option is there, people may just take it. 

The people who have RSVP’d will still get an invitation and a rsvp card, just as a reminder to update if anything did happen to change, but I think it was nice for them to mark it off the list way in advance!

Post # 15
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

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sydneyfrancis88:  There may be no rude intentions on your part, but how it is perceived can be seen as rude.  Best just not to do it at all.

And sorry, but how is it selfish to read inot how important you are based on when you receive a wedding invite?  If a large portion of people receive an invite 2 months prior to your wedding but then I receive one 3 weeks before, then I am going to assume that I have been b-listed and apparently not as important as those invited 2 months prior.  That isn’t being selfish, that is just being observant.

And I don’t want to get into what is and is not okay in the US vs UK because a lot of what the UK does I see as very rude no matter how much you say it is okay and done all the time.  I guess to me it comes down to treating all guests as equals and taking their comfort and feelings into consideration and tiering guests to me, is very rude.  So sorry Aunt Sue, you weren’t worthy of us spending $X amount on your for dinner, but hey come to the dancing portion because you are good enough for that.

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