Post # 1
This is extremely personal but it has become such a problem and I feel like i really need to talk to someone, I just do not know whom.
My fiance and I have not had the best sexlife. We were both inexperienced when we started off, which as anyone can attest all the clumsyness and awkwardness is not really someting one misses.. but the biggest issue is that he is suffering from severe ED. He seldom get a hard on and when he does it is momentarily so actually having sex is really diffcult and if he manages to penetrate, it usually softens within a minute or two.
This is affecting our relationship so bad I am starting to wonder if i can handle this for much longer. I am for one, sexually frustrated like..well i cannot even begin to describe this as a woman in her 20’s. And even bigger than that, this is affecting me so much mentally, I do not feel attractive at all and it is making me more and more angry day to day at him for no reason at all.
I know he is suffering as well, probably even mroe, It is not easy for him and he feels dissapointed in his body everytime we try to be intimate and it fails. He has gone to seek medical help twice now and they say that test results reveals nothing is wrong and it is probably psychological. However, it has been three years or reasurrances and talking and if this is a psychological problem, I have no hope that this will be solved ever at this point. He has not been through any sort of trauma that would possibly explain this.
And the fact that he has not, that test results seems to be fine; it is making this impossible for me to accept the situation. I feel more and more distanced from him. I feel ugly, sometimes I even feel disgusted by the thought of having sex with him at this point because of the frustration and hopelessness that comes after. At tis point I really do not know what to do and I am starting to wonder how long I can handle this without it changing. Sure its just “sex” but there is so much more than that, the intimacy that comes with it is lost.
And since we are both under 30 this issue is not common at all and i cannot find anyone with a similar struggle. Is there anyone else out there than has had the same problem with a partner, and did it work out?
Post # 2
I am so sorry you are going through this. You are right to be feeling all these feelings. Sex is such an important part of a relationship!
I really don’t have any experience in this, but I think you should keep going to the doctor and demanding answers. You have to advocate for your husband because it seems like he is having trouble doing that for himself. Don’t let the doctor tell you it is psychological. If you don’t get the answers you seek from the first doc, try a second (and a third, etc). It could be something as simple as needing to take a little blue pill, or something more serious that requires immediate action.
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2018 - United Kingdom
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this bee.
If it’s a psychological problem, then he should definitely see psychologist
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2018 - Location
If the issue is psychological then he should seek help from a psychologist. There are tons of therapists who deal with sex and intimacy.
Post # 5
Does he use porn? If he does he needs to stop. He also needs to stop masturbation for a while, to get used to sex.
Post # 6
- Wedding: January 2017 - Maui, Hawaii
I’ve been through this with an ex, so I completely understand how you’re feeling. My ex refused to go to the doctor though, so at least yours has been somewhat proactive about it. Next step is a psychologist, has he been to one yet? I realize the doctors can’t find anything medically wrong with him, but a man in his 20’s having this problem in and of itself is something medically wrong, whether it has a psychological cause or not, so I would think they could still prescribe medication. Has he ever tried using medication like viagra?
Post # 7
“Psychological” doesn’t mean “not real” or “nothing is wrong”, I find it annoying when doctors try to pass things off like that. Get him to see a psychologist because it could be anixety related, some men can get trapped in a cycle of having a problem once or twice (for whatever reason) which then makes them anxious that it’ll happen again and therefore it does etc. Either way don’t just let this continue, not fair on either of you. Good luck bee.
Post # 8
Has he tried viagra or similar?
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
I have felt the exact way you’re feeling, Bee!!!! My FI’s problem is that he is very….quick. Like, once it gets pleasurable at all for me, it’s over – less than a minute. It was so frustrating because I literally got no satisfaction at all, and it made me severely resent him and be disgusted at the thought of sex with him. Now, we start off with no penetration at all, play with each other, I orgasm one way or another, then we have 45 seconds of sex. It CAN get better without any diagnosis, but it may mean compromises.
Post # 10
Westwood : I was going to suggest this also, maybe both psychological help and the little blue pill ? Xx
Post # 11
Another vote for psychologist. A psychological problem isn’t something that should be shrugged off.
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
My fiance experienced a small bout of this when we first started dating and it was psychological. I asked him once what he was thinking when it happened, and he said he was thinking of how disappointed I must have been in him, and a number of other things. Essentially, his negative self-talk or other negative thoughts are probably what’s affecting him. To resolve it, he needs to sort through that otherwise you’re correct, it will not get better. As he’s working through it, even though it’s frustrating, I would say just try to be as encouraging as possible. Let him know you still think he’s attractive, that you want to have sex with him, and that when things are working that it feels really good. Don’t lie or fake anything, obviously, but letting him know that it’s ok and that you understand (to a degree) is helpful.
ETA: We totally used the little blue pill (and there’s another one that fiance said worked different, but better?) as we were working through it. It wasn’t used as a crutch, but just to help us build our intimate relationship as he was working through some things, it was great. I think it helped to give him confidence too, because I was able to give him real, honest feedback that what he was doing was great.
Post # 13
Do you not do other things sexually than just penetrative sex? Sex doesn’t have to stop just because he’s lost his erection, he could go down on you, use toys or his fingers etc. There’s lots of things you can do to feel satisfied sexually that don’t involve his penis inside your vagina. I think that would also take the pressure off him to perform, which if his problem is psychological is probably the issue.
Post # 14
Yes, I once had a partner who suffered from this. I turned him on, and he wanted to have sex, but for some reason, it just wouldn’t always stay erect. He suffered from sexual performance anxiety. A man can become so stressed about performing, (or other things in life), he isn’t able to perform.
Of course your guy is suffering! Getting angry with him is not going to help him, and will only make it worse. It’s embarrassing. You need to understand it isn’t his fault. Be a little more patient while he’s dealing with this. He’s seeing a doctor, so of course he cares, and wants to fix it.
My ex and I used “cock rings”. They work. It’s a rubber ring that goes around the penis, and under the testicles. They prevent the blood from flowing out of the penis, and he’ll get erect, and stay erect. You get them at sex stores. Eventually, my ex got over his anxiety, and had to use them only on occasion. We also used mini vibrators, and warming lubes. All of these things help stimulate, and work well with getting the blood flowing.
Post # 15
This is actually becoming more and more common with the younger generations because of excessive porn usage. That could be the problem.