ED is affecting my relationship

posted 9 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are right to be feeling all these feelings. Sex is such an important part of a relationship!


I really don’t have any experience in this, but I think you should keep going to the doctor and demanding answers. You have to advocate for your husband because it seems like he is having trouble doing that for himself. Don’t let the doctor tell you it is psychological. If you don’t get the answers you seek from the first doc, try a second (and a third, etc). It could be something as simple as needing to take a little blue pill, or something more serious that requires immediate action.

Post # 3
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2018 - United Kingdom

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this bee. 

If it’s a psychological problem, then he should definitely see psychologist 

Post # 4
1611 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

If the issue is psychological then he should seek help from a psychologist. There are tons of therapists who deal with sex and intimacy. 

Post # 5
4206 posts
Honey bee

Does he use porn? If he does he needs to stop. He also needs to stop masturbation for a while, to get used to sex. 

Post # 6
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017 - Maui, Hawaii

I’ve been through this with an ex, so I completely understand how you’re feeling. My ex refused to go to the doctor though, so at least yours has been somewhat proactive about it. Next step is a psychologist, has he been to one yet? I realize the doctors can’t find anything medically wrong with him, but a man in his 20’s having this problem in and of itself is something medically wrong, whether it has a psychological cause or not, so I would think they could still prescribe medication. Has he ever tried using medication like viagra? 

Post # 7
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

“Psychological” doesn’t mean “not real” or “nothing is wrong”, I find it annoying when doctors try to pass things off like that. Get him to see a psychologist because it could be anixety related, some men can get trapped in a cycle of having a problem once or twice (for whatever reason) which then makes them anxious that it’ll happen again and therefore it does etc. Either way don’t just let this continue, not fair on either of you. Good luck bee. 

Post # 8
9504 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Has he tried viagra or similar?

Post # 9
991 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

I have felt the exact way you’re feeling, Bee!!!! My FI’s problem is that he is very….quick. Like, once it gets pleasurable at all for me, it’s over – less than a minute. It was so frustrating because I literally got no satisfaction at all, and it made me severely resent him and be disgusted at the thought of sex with him. Now, we start off with no penetration at all, play with each other, I orgasm one way or another, then we have 45 seconds of sex. It CAN get better without any diagnosis, but it may mean compromises.

Post # 11
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Another vote for psychologist. A psychological problem isn’t something that should be shrugged off.

Post # 12
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

My fiance experienced a small bout of this when we first started dating and it was psychological.  I asked him once what he was thinking when it happened, and he said he was thinking of how disappointed I must have been in him, and a number of other things.  Essentially, his negative self-talk or other negative thoughts are probably what’s affecting him.  To resolve it, he needs to sort through that otherwise you’re correct, it will not get better.  As he’s working through it, even though it’s frustrating, I would say just try to be as encouraging as possible.  Let him know you still think he’s attractive, that you want to have sex with him, and that when things are working that it feels really good.  Don’t lie or fake anything, obviously, but letting him know that it’s ok and that you understand (to a degree) is helpful.

ETA: We totally used the little blue pill (and there’s another one that fiance said worked different, but better?) as we were working through it.  It wasn’t used as a crutch, but just to help us build our intimate relationship as he was working through some things, it was great.  I think it helped to give him confidence too, because I was able to give him real, honest feedback that what he was doing was great.

Post # 13
1400 posts
Bumble bee

Do you not do other things sexually than just penetrative sex? Sex doesn’t have to stop just because he’s lost his erection, he could go down on you, use toys or his fingers etc. There’s lots of things you can do to feel satisfied sexually that don’t involve his penis inside your vagina. I think that would also take the pressure off him to perform, which if his problem is psychological is probably the issue. 

Post # 14
888 posts
Busy bee

Yes, I once had a partner who suffered from this. I turned him on, and he wanted to have sex, but for some reason, it just wouldn’t always stay erect. He suffered from sexual performance anxiety. A man can become so stressed about performing, (or other things in life), he isn’t able to perform.

Of course your guy is suffering! Getting angry with him is not going to help him, and will only make it worse. It’s embarrassing. You need to understand it isn’t his fault. Be a little more patient while he’s dealing with this. He’s seeing a doctor, so of course he cares, and wants to fix it. 

My ex and I used “cock rings”. They work. It’s a rubber ring that goes around the penis, and under the testicles. They prevent the blood from flowing out of the penis, and he’ll get erect, and stay erect. You get them at sex stores. Eventually, my ex got over his anxiety, and had to use them only on occasion. We also used mini vibrators, and warming lubes. All of these things help stimulate, and work well with getting the blood flowing. 

Post # 15
349 posts
Helper bee

This is actually becoming more and more common with the younger generations because of excessive porn usage.  That could  be the problem.  

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