(Closed) ediquet

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Well to be fair it is a cultural/regional rule and in many areas, this would be just fine. But if you’re in the USA, it’s like you’re saying to your guests “I want you to be here for the part of the day that’s free, but when it comes time for me to pay for your food and drink, I don’t want you here enough.”  Because it’s so customary for guests to buy a gift for the couple, this is particularly insulting.

I’ve never recieved and invite for just the ceremony but if I did, I probably would feel very sad that the host did not value our friendship enough to buy me at least some punch and a cookie, and I’d feel like they only invited me so I’d buy them a gift.  BTW it is not so much about wanting a free meal because I’m giving a gift; it’s about my host/hostess taking care of me as a guest. And kicking me out after 30 minutes of ceremony and sending me on my way without so much as a glass of tea is not good manners!

If you simply cannot afford a full-on reception for the entire group, then you should either host a mid-afternoon event where punch/wine/sweets/finger foods would be an acceptable reception menu (i.e. not held over dinner hour when people are hungry, but rather in between lunch and dinner); consider a casual event like a backyard BBQ reception (you can still wear the fancy dress but it would seem out of place if it were too fancy),  or wait till you can afford to feed all of your guests.

Post # 4
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@kiev:  from what i have seen one way of looking at is etiquette states that an invitation to the ceremony carries a gift obligation. By not inviting them to the reception is much like saying “we want your presents not your presence”

I myself find it very rude. But each their own. Alternativly google the question “Why is it rude to invite someone to the ceremony and not the reception” there are plenty of pages on it

Post # 6
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The reception is supposed to be a thank you to the guests for coming and watching you get married.  So it would be rude to only thank some of your guests and not all.  It’s basically saying that some guests are better than others.  Plus, there’s the whole gift etiquette as PP pointed out.

So if I were to be invited only to the ceremony, I would be hurt that I wasn’t a good enough friend to come celebrate with you after and I would see it as gift grabby.  I would not attend.

If you can’t afford to feed everyone you want to invite, then you should consider having the reception at a non-meal time and do cake and punch or just apps.  And if you can’t do that, then you just have to scale back your guest list.  It isn’t ideal, but that’s just how it goes sometimes.

Post # 7
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would be extremely hurt to be invited to one and not the other. It’s like you are saying that I am not important than other guests. It is stated in ettiquette that no guest should be treated less than any other. 

Post # 8
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Guests go to a couple’s wedding for the benefit of the couple, not for themselves.  What is expected in return is for the couple to show them hospitality, even if it is just a cake and punch reception.  You’ll have to pare down your guest list if you can’t afford to at least give everyone a nice snack.

Post # 10
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@kiev:  Where in Australia are you? I also am. and can think of many ways to have an outside reception.

i am unsure of what you mean by ‘Stuck?’

 

Post # 12
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee

The reception isn’t because you want to feed your loved ones a fancy meal, it is a thank you for coming to the ceremony.

To invite someone to only the ceremony is to say they are not worthy of thanking them.

If you are on a tight budget, have a cake and punch reception or do a breakfast.

I know you mentioned that you would be honoured to attend any part of a wedding celebration. I just wanted you to hear the otherside of it. I personally find it a chore, I go but only out of wanting to support my friend on an important event. Not because the event is all that great. Getting all dressed up, getting a gift, spending all day waiting around, driving to and from, probably a gap,small talking with the couples wacky uncle Fritz, and other guests I may or may not know and/or like, eating an only semi-decent meal, and only getting to spend 10 mins max with the person I went to support isn’t my idea of a super time.

Post # 13
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

So you say your are having a BBQ in your backyard. Add a cake and it’s a reception.

But I have to agree with PPs – to be invited to one and not the other is offensive. It might not be offensive to you, but to most people, it would be.

Post # 14
Member
4371 posts
Honey bee

It’s offensive because you’re essentially creating two classes of guests– one that is “good” enough to go to both the ceremony and reception, and those that are just invited to the ceremony.

Post # 15
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@kiev:  I agree with PP posters have it a non meal time for drinks and nibblies. maybe then do a dinner with family or make the rehearsal dinner a bigger deal and have a small reception. It really depends on your budget

Post # 16
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@andielovesj:   I personally find it a chore

 

really? that’s sad. Going to a wedding should be fun. Save them the money next time – send a card and stay home. Do something you would enjoy instead. 

 

OP, I’ve heard in some circles (including in parts of Australia, actually) that that is the norm. I’ve never been invited to part of a wedding only, but if it’s normal for your guests, do what’s best for you. Generally though, it doesn’t seem to be a widely accepted idea, so you probably won’t find much support here.

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