(Closed) Eeek! Telling a stranger her boyfriend has a different girlfriend of seven years

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

anon5678:  Good for you for telling the new girlfriend OP. It was the right thing to do.

Unfortunately these things DO happen! I don’t want to give too many details because this person is getting married in a couple of months (obviously to a different guy) and may be on wedding bee, but I have a good friend whose boyfriend of 5 years did this to her. They had an open, public, facebook-official, relationship where they were living together. I don’t remember the details of how she discovered it (maybe someone told her too) but she eventually found out that he had a whole other life he was living on his “business trips.” Another girlfriend, another facebook, another house, even other FRIENDS – everything. It was seriously like something out of a tv drama. Crazy town. 

Maybe it’s more common than we think? (and if so, how sad)

Post # 33
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

anon5678:  Good on you, glad that it worked out so well! Hopefully that’s two women saved from a life of misery, and I am so glad you listened to your gut and told her.

 

Now I am going to get up on my little soapbox and say how much I HATE that every time this sort of thing comes up a million bees start saying “not your business, do nothing.” Yes, because helping out other people is totally not your business, no one is allowed to help anyone else out unless it affects them directly. 

 

The reasons given always boil down to the same four, so here they are and why they are all stupid:

1. She won’t believe you!!!!

— Cool, and if she doesn’t, no harm, no foul. The sky doesn’t fall when people don’t believe you.

2. She probably already knows.

–Where do people get this? Most women leave when they discover cheating. And even if she did already know, again, no harm no foul. So you’re giving repeat information, not a big deal.

3. Maybe they have an open relationship?

–This isn’t likely, and again, if it is the case, no harm, no foul. You inform them about it, they laugh it off because it doesn’t matter. The worst that can happen here is that they find you a little snoopy. Oh no!

4. She will find out eventually on her own.

–Uh ok, well this usually happens by something bringing the cheating to light, like someone spilling the beans, texts or emails being uncovered, or at worst, Save-The-Date Cards. So she could find out eventually, or she could find out the exact same information now, before she is married, has kids, and/or is otherwise more invested than she would have been.

 

I think people always give these BS excuses as a way to convince themselves that actively letting someone’s life be destroyed is some sort of moral high ground, rather than them just feeling too awkward or lazy to help their fellow person.

Post # 34
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I totally believe this is real and you did the right thing!!

I believe it’s real cos the exact same thing happened to one of my friends. She was with a guy for 3 years before discovering he’d been with another girl for 4 years. He was a master-liar, manipulator, had a million privacy settings on his Facebook account, lived with his parents… etc.

Post # 35
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

You absolutely did the right thing! So many people just turn their heads and ignore others wrong doings. I HAVE been the girlfriend getting cheated on, people knew and not a single person told me! They didn’t want to get “involved”. I found out the hard way doing my own investigating!! They allowed me to look like a fool I was beyond mortified and devastated. Although I ended up finding out anyway, I wish someone had told me sooner. I commend you for being brave enough and for actually having a conscience!!

Post # 36
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Im glad you told her. What a sociopath.

Post # 37
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

nikkiibee:  Right.. I highly doubt the non-linking of social media accts makes this totally unbelievable. Some poeple live offline and don’t bother with online linkages etc…

Post # 39
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee

Thanks for the update! You did the right thing 🙂 

Post # 40
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

anon5678:  Im really glad you stepped in bc everyone tends to stand by and do nothing. Have you heard of the sociological experiment where someone gets mugged or assaulted and there are many bystanders, but no one calls the police bc they assume someone else has? Well you were the one to do it and I think they will both br grateful. It already seems like they are. You have upheld the girl code to its fullest extent. Its good to know there are girls like you in our world 🙂

Post # 41
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

anon5678:  I really think you should tell the new girl. I feel like you have an obligation to speak up, when something like this is going on. It don’t buy into the whole “none of my business” thing. I imagine everyone who commented that would like to know if their SO was a complete douche behind their back, and wouldn’t feel content with people saying “well, it wasn’t my business so I didn’t tell you”. I mean.. WTF?! Sorry, I just don’t get this kind of mentality. 

Maybe you could name drop the uni-girlfriend to the new girlfriend, so that even if she doesn’t believe you she can contact uni-girl and know what’s up with the guy she calls her boyfriend. Actually, a really close friend of mine was once contacted via Facebook about her boyfriend (who she was LIVING with), by a girl that was asking her if she was his girlfriend and basically told my friend that she had been to their place several times, and that she had dated her boyfriend for 11 months but just felt like something was off. He would lie to the girl about why there was girl’s stuff at the house, saying that they belonged to his sister and blah blah blah. My friend ended up leaving his sorry ass, which she probably wouldn’t have if she hadn’t known. She literally had NO idea. The boyfriend kept denying it and it wasn’t until my friend found out she had clamydia, that he fessed up. 

So yeah, I’m definitely voting that you consider this your business and TELL the girl!!!

 

EDIT: I just saw your post about telling the girls – good for you! Seriously.. People need to stand up for each other, and I definitely think you did the right thing here. It might be hard on them now but let me tell you… You did them a favor and when they find someone real who will treat them right, they will thank you. Trust me. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years ago by  SophBee.
Post # 42
Member
34 posts
Newbee

I just came across this post.  Before I met my fiance I dated someone for four years who was cheating on me for 2 out of four of those years.  He totally did a similar thing of painting me as the crazy ex girlfriend, and told her that we had broken up but that I was still obsessed with him blah blah blah blah.  She ended up marrying him (even thought she found out the truth as well).  I seriously think you did a REALLY good thing by telling your friend and the other girl.  As someone who has been in that situation it hurts and it sucks but it would hurt even more if you had just let it go.  In my opinion cheaters need to be stopped.  Harumph. 

Post # 43
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

anon5678:  I dunno, I think you should tell the 7 year girlfriend.  Something like this happened pretty recently to someone I know, and she found out right after having kids with the guy.  If she had known before that, I think she could’ve left and started over…but she is pretty trapped now…with a guy who cheated on her for years and was finally outted.

Post # 44
Member
3829 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I remember when i found out my highschool boyfriend had cheated on me and people knew. I just kept thinking “why didnt ANYONE tell me?”.  

So i think you did the right thing. 

The topic ‘Eeek! Telling a stranger her boyfriend has a different girlfriend of seven years’ is closed to new replies.

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