(Closed) Eight months married… struggling…did I marry the wrong person? :(

posted 4 years ago in Christian
Post # 16
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

From there we dated for almost three whole years with the nastiest kind of drama! We were on/off for three whole years – stretching the relationship more than I thought was possible. That means almost 5 years of toxicity. 

I don’t mean to pry and you most definitely don’t have to answer, but what nasty drama existed before? What happened to make this period of time toxic?

I really do think counseling (outside of the church) may help. We’re hearing the negative in this post, but I’m sure there are positives in the relationship as well. As the PP said, I wouldn’t immediately give up on someone that has meant so much to you for all of this time. What about him has made you hold onto him for all of these years? 

If you honestly can’t see yourself with your husband and are thinking about another person that you felt you had more compatibility with, then I would suggest you do both yourself and your husband a favor and end the relationship. Just remember, that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. 

Post # 17
Member
1155 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’m very confused as to why you thought it was a good idea to marry someone that you knew you had a toxic relationship with? But I suppose whats done is done at this point so you can either walk or try to fix it. I suggest couples counseling all the way because it doesn’t sound like you are both thriving at the moment and could use the help. Good luck bee.

Post # 18
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee

I think it will be forever impossible to fix this relationship if you keep putting an ex on a pedastal of ‘how marriage/relationships are supposed to be’. You didn’t marry that guy, you married your husband. Stop comparing your husband to others, because that won’t make your marraige better– it will only make it worse.

Marriages take a lot of work, a lot of commitment, and sometimes a lot of determination to keep moving forwards, keep working together, and keep trying. It’s not always easy and some days it takes a lot more work than other days. You both have to communicate your issues, forgive, and work together to fix & resolve your issues.

It’s unclear to me why you got married if your whole past together was not positive. However, you’re married now, and before you get a divorce, I think you should fully dedicate yourselves to eachother, go to counseling, and spend some time trying to work on things. You can always split up– the longer you wait the harder it is, but it’s really always an option. Staying together and working things out can’t really happen if you split up, or just mentally check out. 

Post # 19
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
hellosuga :  OP, I’m going to guess you are LDS (I am too). The first year of marriage for me was by far the hardest. It’s not always easy to  be completely in sync with your spouse when you are still adjusting to living together. Learning how to sacrifice and compromise is pretty difficult. 

All I can say is I am immeasurably grateful that we stuck it out through the first couple years. It did take us that long to learn how to “fight fair” and to figure out how to communicate well. Six years later, we are extremely happy and much, much better at living together. PM me if you need a friend.

Post # 20
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

im sorry, but it sounds like you married the wrong person. but it doesnt have to mean your marriage wont work. love is a coice and a commitment.

Post # 21
Member
6879 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’m not saying this to be rude or anything…but what made you decide to marry this guy in the first place? You describe your relationship before marriage as 3 years of toxic drama. I’m just wondering how it could go from that to any sort of proposal or engagement? Did you think getting married might help “fix” the problems in your relationship?

My only advice is to seek counseling with a professional. 

Post # 22
Member
2506 posts
Sugar bee

yes, you married the wrong person

Post # 24
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

I am going to say this bluntly. This man is emotionally abusive. I don’t think any amount of counselling is going to fix this, because he is manipulating you.

Read what you just wrote back to yourself. Repeatedly.

The part where you said you were proud of yourself for never saying a mean thing to him, and for putting his feelings ahead of yourself? That is not normal. In a relationship no one person’s feelings are always more important than the other’s. I think one of the reasons I favour the word partner to describe my OH is because he is just that, my partner. We are partners in our life.

Re-read the part where you say that as soon as you developed a connection with someone, and a life beyond Brady, he suddenly wanted you back. That is classic abusive behaviour. As soon as the abuser feels their power slipping away, they come back and tell you what you want to hear.

You are not permanently broken, he just wants you to feel like you are, like you have no other options in life but him.

Get yourself an exit strategy. Make sure you have somewhere to go that is safe and gives you space. Get yourself some counselling to help you deal with the preparation and the aftermath. It is going to be brutal, and difficult, but you can do this, and find someone who values you and your feelings as much as their own, with whom you can be excited about starting a life together.

 

Good luck.

Post # 25
Member
3536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Honestly, it seems to me that you kept resesitating a relationship that should have ended for good the first year he was back from his mission… and then you married him. 

I did this myself with my ex Fiance, so I do know what it’s like when you are in the middle of it. All I can say is- the right relationship isn’t this hard. Is it work? Yes. But it’s not hard. 

From your post it sounds like you are religious, so what I would do if I were you I’d completely different than what you may feel is right. I’d leave. Life is too short for a relationship that wears you out. At the very minimum I would suggest individual counseling, and preferably also couples counseling. 

Post # 26
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Vineyard Lake

You’ve invested a lot of time to this relationship to just give up now. I’m certainly not saying to say forever but I am saying I think it’s worth it to try everything you can before throwing in the towel. You don’t want yo end up regretting yet another decision made in haste. A PP mentioned that the first year of marriage is often the hardest. It’s true. You are learning how to live with another person, their quirks, their communication style, etc…You guys have only been married for 6 months. I think giving it another 6 months to a year is fair if you both really try to make things better. If in a year things are the same then you can feel good in knowing you did everything in your power to try to make things work & call it a day.

Others have suggested marriage counseling outside of the church. I agree with them. It seems as though one of your main problems is communication. Put in your due diligence to learn better ways to do this. Read articles online, self help books, classes, whatever to try & improve this. 

Stop thinking about / comparing to how things were that first year. You have to appreciate how the relationship has evolved because THEY NEVER STAY THE SAME! To think that way will only cause more pain. The same goes for thinking that your short relationship with “bootcamp” guy was perfect. You have now put this guy & your relationship on a pedestal. Of course it seems so good because most of them are in that short time especially when you are not even around each other! You get short snippets portraying the best of both of you. Not so easy to do when you are with each other all the time!

You need to forgive your husband. I know, easier said than done but you’re really only hurting yourself. You were both young & made mistakes. It’s time to let it all go & move on. He ultimately chose you!! He likes porn…so what!? He’s a normal guy…imperfectly human….let it go!

This isn’t going to be easy. Relationships rarely are. They are difficult & messy but in the end they are usually worth it.

Good luck bee!

Post # 27
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
hellosuga :  Infatuation leads people to make bad choices. I recogize it now but I would never have recognized it while infatuated. The problem with Church counseling is that the ultimate goal would be to keep the two of you together when it would be best for you to separate. That is not to say it is unfixable, there was a lot of immaturity here and the porn addiction probably started as a way to let off sexual frustration.

Post # 28
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
hellosuga :  So let me me preface this by saying that I’m not yet married, but I wanted to comment anyway because my relationship got very rocky very early on, and we worked through it. 

I read both your OP and your follow up, and what I really got out of it is that some part of you really doesn’t trust your husband. Not necesarily overtly – not that you think he’ll do something really bad or anything, but during all of these years with the back and forth and breaking up, you and your husband never really got the opportunity to build a really strong foundation of love and trust, and so every time you fight, it (might) feels like the relationship is being threatened again. Perhaps your husband can also feel this, and so the reactions from both of you are more like “every man for himself” instead of “lets get through this together” (I’m definitely not saying this is conscious – this is just what I experienced early on in my relationship, and I want to share it with you). 

You and your husband are now at a point where you can either choose to consciuosly build that foundation of trust and love through learning how to communicate with one another and put the relationship first, or you can choose to cut your losses, learn what you can, and move on.

My boyfriend and I chose to go through 15 months of couples therapy, where we learned how to listen to one another, speak to one another, and really understand how to put the relationship first and what true intimacy really is. We had been together for about a year when we started going to therapy every. single. week. It was really hard. It was sometimes embarrassing. A lot of the time, it really sucked. BUT, through the couseling and working on personal growth, our relationship has completely transformed. I absolutely cannot imagine my life with him, and I know that we are going to get married and build a life together. He has my absolute trust, and I have his.

Counseling taught us that our problems aren’t just our problems – many couples face issues! That really changed our mindset, because so much of having relationship issues can be caught up in feeling ashamed of what’s happening. Counseling also taught us how to communicate, how to choose our relationship each and everyday, and how to handle when things get bumpy. 

So, we were able to take our really rocky, toxic relationship and turn it around.

Anyway, I wanted to share my experiene with you, because I’ve seen that it is possible to turn a relationship around through a lot of work and communication. That said, BOTH of you have to be willing to do the work, to find the right counselor (I’d echo that it should be someone non-denominational – I found that regular counseling sort of bridged or linked my own faith with steps we could take with our relationship, but spoke much more candidly and left space for more choice), and to really choose to save your marriage. If both of you aren’t invested, then it isn’t going to work.

Sorry this is so long! Good luck bee!

 

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