I sincerely appreciate all of the kind, thoughtful, and wise words posted here for me!! I am so sorry for not replying sooner… it got me quite emotional and I took a lot of what you wonderful people have said and have worked on it. There is still MUCH to work on like the counselling and I am putting those plans into action. I have many of you to send personal messages to. For the sake of brevity in my OP, I know I left out critical details of the relationship. I honestly felt like I was shouting in the dark, but who knew anyone would read? For the sake of clarity, we will call my husband BRADY in my backstory. Our relationship is not at all simple, and definitely not black and white. I know there is no simple answer but I am grateful for your kind and objective opinions. It can be so hard to find direction when you’re standing in a cloud of emotion and attachment.
When Brady returned home from his 2-year mission in Russia/Kazakhstan Dec 2012 I was hesitant about even seeing him. I distrusted him greatly, he had caused me so much pain, but yet there was the part of me that still loved him so deeply. Confusing emotions. We started seeing each other again but he soon moved to college an hour away and I stayed in our hometown to go to a local college. He learned that while he was gone I dated someone for a couple of months of a different faith than ours (he felt betrayed, thinking I wasn’t who he thought I was? or something) and he also said he wanted to date me but try dating at college, but not actively seeking out girls (whatever). This semester was super weird, I did not feel positive energy around him, and eventually he just became cold and cut things off. I met someone that summer who was an amazing guy but he shortly left for bootcamp on the East coast. Ugh, then Brady returned home for summer break – he wanted me, he wanted this new girl, he wanted me, then her, then me, IT HAD TO STOP. So it did. Before that day in my life, I could say I was proud in how I handled myself. I had never said a mean word to him before. I had always put his feelings over my own, not wanting to hurt him but that day he broke me. I swore him off. I told him to not speak to me and I let him have it. Oct 2013 I was chatting a lot with bootcamp guy and starting to develop a true connection (as much as you can long-distance) when I go to my best friend’s mission farewell. Who is there? Yup, Brady. He wants to talk to me and all of a sudden he’s exactly himself again! Like pre-mission Brady! He told me how no girls compare to me, they’re boring, he has missed me – literally everything you want to hear. He didn’t know I was (for once) falling for someone else but it felt so good to hear him so humble and so loving. For a good year he was like this. He was himself again but we had lots of baggage, and I did not forgive him (my head wanted to, my heart could not) not just because of the mission baggage, him choosing other girls over me, and most importantly because I discovered his pornography addiction. I had never felt so inadequate, misled, and angry before in my life. This anger, jealousy, etc that I was feeling that year of 2014 was unlike me. It ate at me (mostly because of the pornography and slutty girls he talked to in 2013 when we were broken up). For this year of him being so humble I still just couldn’t get rid of the rage I felt. Our fights got worse and worse (there comes the toxicity I mentioned) and around Christmas of 2014 (about 2 years post-mission) we broke up – a very nasty breakup!! **Sidenote — I know this sounds VERY exhausting. It was. It is now but for a different reason. I will talk about that in the end** Up to that point I stayed in the relationship because of those tender moments we had together. There was so much more meaning in HIM loving me than any random person I could meet. You can guess what happened from there – OF COURSE (since we’re married now haha) February of 2015 we got back together!! And I honestly don’t know why, maybe that element of relief and euphoria you feel when you’re back with an old loved one? We finally weren’t fighting like we used to, there was much less drama. They say time heals all wounds and time had been fading some of the drama. We had less fights but the twice a month we did fight we were so frustrated… because we just could not communicate!! It was like hitting a brick wall every time – things could be going well but once a miscommunication arose there was much less empathy and understanding to go around. I felt like the relationship was going on too long and I didn’t know if I saw it going anywhere. I wasn’t encouraging a proposal, but I felt like the natural progress of our dating relationship was starting to feel unnaturally long. Can you imagine going six years on/off with someone and never having sexual contact? It eventually creates a lot of tension and negativity. It’s unhealthy (married or not) because you need that in a relationship for it to progress! In September 2015 he proposed, I said yes, and we got married in December. There have been ups and downs of excitement since getting engaged (and married) but often times I feel my gut telling me something is not right. It feels so complicated, our emotions, our inability to communicate after all this crud (and during the crud as well). I love him still but not in the same way I once did. It feels more like an echo of love. Some days we are loving and passionate toward each other but I feel like I cannot give my mind, heart, and soul completely to him. More days than not I feel just okay, like he isn’t on my wavelength and he never was or never will be. I don’t feel like I am permanently broken but maybe when it comes to him I am?? That is my ULTIMATE concern. Feel free to ask any questions at all!
**I mentioned the pornography addiction because it has significantly affected my feelings toward him. Even if not on the surface, deep in my subconscious. I trust him not to do this anymore, but I understand it is a temptation for him and most men. I don’t want this discussion to become about pornography, but about finding a solution to how I’m feeling about the marriage. Thank you –
**Please don’t hate on me. Sometimes we do things that are pathetic, desperate, and from the outside looking in you can clearly see stupid decisions. I know I have made a lot of stupid choices. Remember this is over the course of a seven year relationship (if you include the year before the mission and the 10 months now married). If you are just going to say, “Get divorced duh” or something like that, then you’re not doing any good here. I appreciate all of the sensitive and awesome perspectives I have recieved so far. xo