Elder sister bitter that I'm getting married before her

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Tell her she can be supportive or go away. Not your fault she’s a bitter little prune.

Post # 3
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

Why is she still in the wedding party?

Post # 4
Member
4057 posts
Honey bee

Your sister needs to grow the f^^^ up. She’s  basically throwing temper tantrum because her sister has a toy that she wants. Pathetic.

Post # 6
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I’d keep my distance, personally. Don’t give her any wedding responsibilities. I don’t think talking to her is going to change her attitude. She is bitter and bratty, demonstrating exactly why she isn’t married yet. You’ll have to tune her out the best you can. I am sorry about this. 

Post # 7
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

chiara :  Is she unhappy purely because you’re getting married before her? Or does she have a boyfriend who is not proposing and she’s waiting? 

Post # 9
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

It sucks that she’s being so immature. Do you think trying to have a mature conversation about it might help? I’m not sure how you’ve been responding when she makes those snide comments, but maybe you could take that opportunity to tell her that you love her and you would really love to have her support? 

Post # 10
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Aw, I am so sorry to hear this! It sucks when you are usually close and she is being so bitter and unsupportive of you in what should be a happy time for you! My sister is also younger and she got engaged first and married first! She also graduated before me, outearns me, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she bought a house first or had kids first. And we are 4 years apart, so it isn’t even that close. But I am so happy for her, she is a lovely person and I wish all the best things for her. Life is not a competition and we all achieve different things in different ways at different times.

If you are really close usually, you could try to have a conversation about it. Just tell her that you are feeling hurt and judged by her comments and you had hoped that she could just be happy for you. Maybe she doesn’t realize how much this is hurting you.

I also think she is probably projecting her feelings onto you. When she is saying things like you’re getting married too young, it could be because she’s anxious about being older and unmarried, so she is trying to reassure herself that she wouldn’t want that anyway. It is probably only made worse by the fact that she is single now… you getting married makes her realize more that she is not, and doesn’t even know if or when it will happen for her too. When I made the decision to drop out of college, I knew it was right for me, but I was also terrified I was wrecking my life. I was very sensitive about my lack of school and it was hard for me to be excited when friends or old classmates would post about how they had graduated. Often I would hear comments like “so excited to finally get a real job now” and it really hurt as I felt they were implying my job was not real or was inferior to what they would be doing- even though their comments were about/directed at me literally 0% of the time. It could be that she is extra sensitive right now and lashing out, though of course that does not make it ok and it is normal that you feel hurt. I do hope it gets better, I would say you should try talking to her. If she gets nasty, just pull away and focus your time and energy on those that are happy for you.

Post # 11
Member
91 posts
Worker bee

I wouldn’t put any expectation on her to do anything for you wedding related. Obviously it’s too much for her and is stirring lots of hurt feelings (none of which are your fault). I think telling her she’s being unreasonable (even if she is) wouldn’t really get you anywhere but farther from her, but you also have to stand up for yourself as well. If she is really nasty to you, you could tell her you notice this is really difficult for her and you wouldn’t be hurt if she chose not to be a part of your wedding party but that you hope she can find some way to make it a good experience for her too. Empathy and firm boundaries will usually work.

Post # 12
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Oh bee I am sorry. Do you think it would make a differance if you talked to her? If it makes you feel better than maybe you should. Your sister should be supportive and happy for you not bitter and jealous. Is your mother sticking up for you when she makes these remarks? Seems like your sister needs to be put in her place. 

Post # 13
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Don’t discuss wedding details with her. She’s already shown you how she feels, so don’t keep trying the same thing looking for a different result. Keep her in the party, keep a relationship with her, but don’t talk about the wedding. Discuss it with those who are supportive of you. 

Post # 14
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

How old are you and how old is she?

Sometimes people get disappointed when things don’t workout like they expect. It’s probably normal that she sees your wedding as a loss or sign she isn’t where she wanted to be yet. BUT, it doesn’t give her a right to minimize your joy. Just try to give her space to mourn for herself, and hopefully she drops the pitty party soon. 

Note: older sisters getting married first used to be a tradition but is no longer a followed tradition that I know of. 

Post # 15
Member
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I would ask your mom and younger sister for their support with your older sister. I would privately talk to your younger sister and mom and ask that they do what they can to discourage your older sisters behavior. Specifically if your older sister complains or says negative things in front of or around your mom, you would appreciate it if your mom would reapond with something like “older sister I know you are frustrated that you aren’t getting married but let’s really do our best to be supportive and loving to your sister. She deserves to have her older sisters support. I don’t want to hear anymore negative comments about it. If you do want to talk about how you are feeling we can do that but it needs to be constructive not just complaining.”

Your younger sister can also refuse to engage with your older sisters negative talk. If older sister tries to talk negatively about your wedding to her your sister can respond by saying, “ I’m super happy for sister getting married, so exciting!” If older sister sees she doesn’t get the reaction she wants from mom and younger sister she might stop. It would be great if everyone in your family refused to let your older sister talk badly but at the very least your mom and sister should be able to help stop it. 

I know my mom wouldn’t allow me to behave badly about my brother and hope your mom will support you in that same way. 

its Up to you if you think talking to your older sister yourself will help or not. I’d suggest talking to your older sister not in an accusing way but in a vulnerable, I’d love your support and love way. If she knows you know what she has been saying and hears you say it’s hurtful and you ask for her support maybe she will come around. I’f she doesn’t and is still mean you might need to cut her out of the wedding. 

 chiara :  

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