Elder sister bitter that I'm getting married before her

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
6181 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would just say something to her. “I asked you to be in my wedding party because I Iove you and I love that we’ve ways been close, but the way you have been behaving is not okay and it feels like you’re more focused on whatever negative feelings you’re having than being happy for me. What the hell?” And then just hear what she has to say.

I would also tell her that she needs to stop the sarcastic comments and snark or you’re going to assume she wants to be involved at the bare minimum level with your wedding and then you should proceed accordingly.

Enforcing boundaries is not making a conflict with her, it’s acknowledging that she has been and you aren’t okay with it.

Post # 18
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

chiara :  really odd that she is fixated on the age with only a two year gap :/

Post # 19
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

chiara :  as a mother of 4 (albeit young) daughters, I’m going to go out on a limb and say your older sister probably thought her recently ended relationship was going to end in marriage and she is still processing/hurt  that it didn’t, and she is taking those feelings out on you. 

She is your sister. As a mother of daughters, I would encourage you to contact your older sister to go to dinner one on one, and ask her directly what is going on. Tell her you love her and that she is important to you and you are wondering why she is acting this way. 

The only way to figure this out is to have a direct conversation with her. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Show sensitivity and empathy and I’m sure this can be cleared up and you can move forward happily. 

I never had sisters growing up.  I had 3 older brothers. I have 4 daughters now and I absolutely forsee these issues in the future with them. I am not bonded to my brothers almost at all. I tell my girls that sisters are forever. I respect their differences but definitely encourage their bond. Just talk to her. Don’t assume.

Post # 20
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee

Is this a Jane Austen novel?!

Post # 21
Member
1096 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Sour grapes.

But – how do you know she told your mom these things? Is it because your mom repeated them to you? If so, you also need to tell your mom you’re not interested in hearing your sister’s bitterness, either directly from the source or filtered through her, and you would appreciate if she would also stand up for you when your sister makes these remarks. I can understand if she’s privately disappointed and needs someone to vent to, but in that case she should be redirected to focus on her own relationship/life goals, not to shit on yours.

Post # 23
Member
1096 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

chiara :  Then your mom is adding to the drama. I would set some boundaries with both of them, and then if she tries to repeat your sister’s negative words you again, say, “mom, this is what we talked about. I’m not interested in hearing the unkind things my sister has said. If you want to talk about something else, I’m happy to, otherwise I’m going to hang up/leave.”

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