Election's effects on marriages?

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
7414 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m fortunate that my fi shares the same bleeding heart liberal beliefs that I do. Equality and other social values are very important to me, and I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who is not supportive of those values. 

It sounds like this election has exposed traces of bigotry in your fi just like it has in our country. It’s become socially acceptable to openly hate Muslims and LGBTQ people, which at least for me is heartbreaking. Ideally, your fi needs to evolve past these ignorant and dangerous beliefs. So he’s seen what terrorists do in the war in Afghanistan; does he think that all Irish people are car bombers?  How about white guys who were in the military? Are they all domestic terrorists, or does Timothy McVeigh not represent the entire group? You can see how ignorant it is to judge an entire group based on the actions of one. If you can’t teach him that important lesson, can you live your life knowing that he believes these things? Only you can tell if the relationship is worth it.

Post # 17
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

My husband and I have different views. Does that mean that I consider his views hateful? Does he consider my views hateful? No, we just understand that we have differing views. i think it’s ridiculous and childish to make it a goal to change someone’s views to your own just to have agreement. I’m hearing a lot of this going on during this election and it’s so ridiculous. Since when does everyone have to believe the same thing as everyone else? Are we all robots that can’t have opinions or views, especially views that are based on life experience? Wow we have have come to a sad place as a people

Post # 18
Member
1703 posts
Bumble bee

It is interesting to me that her husband’s views are based on EXPERIENCE, yet so many people here call him IGNORANT…

Post # 19
Member
7414 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

yeah actually it is ignorant to assume that your experience with terrorists in a war means all Muslims are terrorists. This is the dictionary definition of ignorant: 

lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated.

to assume that a subset of a population represents the entire population is a rather uneducated or unsophisticated viewpoint.

Post # 20
Member
1703 posts
Bumble bee

Horseradish :  

Have you ever served in the military overseas?

 

Post # 21
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

 

ct2015 :  Did you bother reading the posts of those bees who have spouses who served overseas, or themselves served overseas, and still said OP’s husband was ignorant? So no, OPs’ husband’s experience does not justify his ignorance, intolerance, and prejudice. 

He does not get to hide behind his experience to be prejudiced against all Muslims simply for being Muslim (or, I bet in this case what he also thinks a Muslim looks like). 

Have you served overseas? What is your poor excuse for your prejudice you show all over these boards lately?

mrsfj :  Um, having “different” views does not equal hateful. Having views where you openly admit prejudice against Muslims, think gay people are okay “unless they flirt with you”, and so on IS hateful.

 

Post # 22
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

My situation is very similar to yours. I’m an african american woman and my fiance is white. 

I come from a family full of working single mothers. Upwards mobility through education and marriage before children were points preached to me growing up. This is obviously why I lean liberal- education, reproductive rights, and equality are important issues to me. 

My fiance grew up in the typical blue collar, 2nd Amendment, pro-military, xenophobic family. Socially hes pro choice and lgtb rights. He currently serving and has been through one ship deployment. He can be very racist when it comes Muslims. Also he has said and done some questionable things when we have discussed subjects like race and gender equality. 

This election has definitely been a strain on our relationship. I have honestly considered leaving him a couple times  because of things it has brought out.  But I know his viewpoint come from a place of ignorance and stubbornness. It will take time to change because he was raised with them. He’s only 24 so hes not too old to learn something new and I truly things he has from being with me. 

Post # 23
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

Darling Husband is conservative. I am liberal. This never bothered us, but we actually like politics and so the fact that we were polar opposites politically was actually a selling point. I know that would not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it works for us.

I won’t lie, in 10 years, we’ve definitely frustrated the ever-loving shit out of each other. He’s said things that to me sound ignorant and even borderline racist or xenophobic. And in my case, I’ve said things he thought were gross generalizations and ignorant to the realities of the world.

We’ve found a lot of common ground over the years, and we’ve found a lot of things that we will not budge on. That’s ok. He’s a smart guy and I have respected the hell out of him even though I can’t agree with him all the time.

We both have admitted something this election cycle though, this election was a big “fuck you” to both parties. And neither one of us feel that this is going to have really positive consequences.

So the elections effect on our marriage? We’re actually united on how we feel about the results for once.

My advice? Talk to him about his views and why they bother you. If you honestly love and respect him, (and you probably do) your political views are not going to end your marriage, but you might understand him more and he might understand you more as well. Politics is one of those areas that you don’t need to agree, but what we both found out after 10 years of political debate is if you don’t have the facts, then you can’t make informed decisions about what you believe. We got a lot of rhetoric this election cycle with very little substance and I think that that was poisonous the the current divides in American politics.

Post # 24
Member
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

justwondering2015 :  I could not have married someone who’s political and social leanings differ than mine. To me, indifference and closeted racist/bigoted thoughts are just as bad as blurting them out on live television. At least with people who offer that information up freely, you know who they are from the jump. And I am so sorry, but your husbands views on women who have abortions and gay people really made me cringe. In my opinion, there’s accidental ignorance, when you truly did not know something, but will immediately educate yourself and want to do better, and then there’s purposeful ignorance, when the facts and truth are in front of you, but you refuse to acknowledge them. Forty-one years old does not give him the right to be willfully ignorant. He needs to educate himself on some of these issues and do the people around him a favor–if he’s going to be like that with you in the home, he mine as well do it out loud. 

But to answer your question: I would not let that shit fly. If Darling Husband said something ignorant, I would immediatelly call him out on it. I do not allow people to be racist, ignorant, bigoted, misogynistic in my presence. If his opinions are not going to change and he is truly going to feel like this, I don’t know. I would be seriously uncomfortable being around my husband if he shared some of the views your husband does. 

Post # 25
Member
7414 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

OP, really you are the only one who can say “this is a deal breaker” or “I can live with this” but I think you need to put it in the broader terms and not in context of the election.  The beliefs on immigrants, Muslims, abortion, and so forth are much bigger than just politics. They speak to a person’s core beliefs and values. Your husband’s values are different than yours in some fairly important places. Can you live with these beliefs if you can’t educate him? You are the only one who can decide.

I do find it deliciously ironic how some vocal folks say “don’t paint us all with one brush just because we voted for Trump” yet think it is ok to paint all LGBTQ people with one brush, or all Muslims, or all Mexicans.

 

mrsfj :  not all views are hateful and not all differences involve hate. Differences in financial styles are equally toxic to a relationship as are differences in views on civil rights. The distinction in the OP’s situation is that many of her husband’s beliefs are determental to someone else’s civil rights, whereas being a financial mess only affects the couple. 

 

ct2015 :  not that it’s relevant but I myself have not served, although I do have brothers and other family Me,bears who have served. Being in the military does not excuse a bigoted attitude; in fact, I was under the impression that military members took pride in being held to higher standards than that. 

Post # 26
Member
7773 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am lucky that my fiance and I happen to think very similarly about politics. We are liberal, but both very open minded, which has led to some interesting conversations throughout the campaign. I think I could probably date someone whose views differed a bit from mine as long as they were open minded and had empathy. I think it’s actually very important to be willing to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and try to understand why they have the perspective they do, even if it is 100% opposite of your viewpoint.

Anyway I’ve gone on a tangent lol. I don’t know, it’s interesting, I’ve seen a lot of this happening lately in other couples. My fiance’s best friend just got dumped by his new girlfriend because he didn’t support Hillary and she is too upset about the election to continue seeing him (which I can empathize with). Although he pleaded with her to give him another chance, and I think they’re meeting up again today, so who knows lol.

And I was sitting in Starbucks the other day and overheard a couple next to me breaking up over the same issue. The girl was black and her boyfriend was white, and this douche was trying to lecture her on race in America. She told him about a recent racist encounter she had while walking on the street in our city, and he said, “well that person was unhinged, it has nothing to do with Trump, nothing to do with race either probably.” I was dumbfounded…talk about not having an open mind or empathy for the other person. 

So yeah idk. Strange times.

Post # 27
Member
1703 posts
Bumble bee

RayKay :  

There are A LOT of people that have served…there are A LOT of people who have served overseas…all positions in the military are NOT equal…working in the cafeteria overseas is not the same as being in combat….I know A LOT of people who have served – my husband has served. Depending on your position in the military depends on what you have seen and experienced.  I have seen a lot of posts of people’s whose spouses are in the military, but very few explaining what their rank and job was in the military. If you want to discount someone else’s experience, your experience better be a similiar position.

Post # 28
Member
1703 posts
Bumble bee

I suspect most people on this board don’t remember what life was like before Obama because you were too young to know. You are basing your knowledge on what you have read, what you have been taught and how your life is now. Many people make comments about older people being “ignorant” – we aren’t “ignorant”, we are EXPERIENCED

Post # 29
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

ct2015 :  You mean we’re not old enough to know that we were taken into the Iraq war where trillions of taxpayer money was irresponsibly spent on a baseless claim of weapons of mass destruction?

We’re not old enough to remember the continued rise of income inequality and the collapse of the housing market due to deregulations and irresponsbile lending practices by big banks that went unpunished an unchecked as consumers lost their homes and then their jobs during the great recession?

No, some of us remember. We just disagree that thats something we want to repeat.

Post # 30
Member
7414 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I was a teenager in Washington, D.C. During the Reagan years. Don’t lump the rest of the “over 40” set in with you. Experience broadened my mind, rather than narrowing it. 

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