Post # 1
Hi Bees! Wow I never thought I’d be posting here…just last month I was wondering if my guy would EVERRRR propose! Now here we are! I love the idea of a wedding…but not so much the cost/stress/obligation of it. I have a dream of getting a custom dress made, marrying at city hall, and flitting off to Mallorca to relax. However, my fiance has a large (like, 40+) extended family that feels very protective of him, because his mom passed away several years ago. Already I’m a bit of an outsider – only person of color in the whooooole extended family, newest SO by about 5 years (all other women who have or will marry in have been around for 8+ years), and as a result not very integrated into the group. They like me and I like them, so I don’t want to start out on the wrong foot, but they aren’t immediate family so they won’t be paying for anything. I am not as close with my extended family, and would happily have a small ceremony with just the immediates (my family is much less traditional and just want me to do what makes me happy…they would love to be there but wouldn’t make a big deal either way.)
Anyone else run into this? It’s so hard to imagine spending $30k+++ just so that his family is happy with me!
Post # 2
Why don’t you do your wedding at city hall and just throw a party where all your family can attend? Kind of like a pseudo-reception to celebrate your marriage. Keep it (relatively) cheap and easy, something like a back yard grill out or barbeque. Do it at your house or a friend or family member’s house where there is yard space to set out tables. Have a catered buffet, yard games set out, and get a cake for dessert. Play some background music on your iPod, make it fun and light… kind of like your standard family reunion, but to celebrate the wedding together. Theoretically, you could probably do all of this for less than $5000. Alcohol costs may factor into that, but that will depend on what you want to offer.
Post # 3
Have the wedding that you and your fiance want, and the wedding you and your fiance can afford. They don’t get a vote.
Post # 4
My Mother-In-Law expected DH and I to have a huge wedding. She went ahead and called all of her extended family (people DH hasn’t spoken to or seen in YEARS) and gathered all their addresses telling them they would be invited to a wedding. At the time we wanted a very small wedding, like maybe 20ppl.
My Mother-In-Law also demanded we get married in X church, although I’m of a different faith. I felt Mother-In-Law just had too much to say. It wasn’t going to be her wedding afterall.
DH and I ended up sitting on the sofa one day and decided the following week we’d go to the courthouse. Mother-In-Law was NOT happy at all. She still makes comments about it.
At the end of the day, it’s up to you two. I also didn’t want to blow thousands and thousands of dollars so my Mother-In-Law could have herself a party.
Post # 5
What does he want, though? Honestly, my husband could have written what you posted. I have a large extended family and we all LOVE to celebrate. Nobody would have held a grudge against us if we eloped, but I’m sure there would have been hurt feelings. But I wanted to celebrate with my family!! That was the most important thing to me, other than the actual getting married part. I think you are looking at this from the wrong perspective. Does he want to celebrate with his family? Is a big wedding important to him? Don’t compromise what you want for his family, but if he wants a wedding, compromise for him. As PP have mentioned, there are other options other than the 2 scenarios you’ve described. If he wants a wedding and for his family to be there, consider some alternative options. Go to city hall and take everyone out for a nice dinner after to celebrate, a backyard reception, a destination wedding, etc. Figure out what is important to you both and do a little compromising and you will find an option that works for you both
Post # 6
I hear what you’re saying – he is not a planner and really has trouble making decisions. Frankly, planning the proposal took the wind out of his sails. We have a “meeting” this weekend…I’ve asked him to really think through what he wants…it’s his wedding too and I love him and want him to be happy!
I’m more than willing to be flexible, but I also don’t have as much $$$ as him to put towards a wedding and I hate the idea of not being able to split the bill equally. Maybe something I should just get over if that’s what he wants to do…but ya know, money is weird for people. Me included.
I also don’t love the idea of spending an already busy year (applying to grad school, working a job with lots of international travel) planning a big ass wedding. Like I said, he’s not a planner and I’ve been explicit with him that if he wants a big wedding he needs to bear part of the planning burden.
Lots of things to think about, but the feedback here has already been helpful! Will be good to sit down with my fiance once he really does decide what’s important to him.
Post # 7
also don’t have as much $$$ as him to put towards a wedding and I hate the idea of not being able to split the bill equally.
I do think you are right when you say you have to get over this (if he does want a big family oriented wedding that is) . In any case it sounds as if whatever it is is all going to be planned and organised by you ( sigh, I know) so him putting in a lot more money seems pretty OK to me .
Post # 8
My husband and I decided on a small courthouse wedding. His mom bullied us into having a small wedding. He gave in to her. They expected me to plan it. Hell no. I was so fed up with him telling me, “I don’t care. Do what you want,” that I quit planning. His mom took over. I basically just showed up to my wedding.
I still resent him and her for it. We agreed to do it our way, and he changed his mind. Have the wedding you want and not the one everyone wants. Realize though that the burden to plan it will fall on you if you decide to give in.
Post # 9
I am so sorry to hear this… I wonder why this happens. I can be related to your situation although my fiancé and I decided just have our wedding (we originally wanted to elope just the two of us only) BUT we must try our best to enjoy our day! I was so sad when learned it’ll break his family apart if we elope (it just didn’t seem to acceptable action to his family at all). My Future Mother-In-Law suggested what if we have two weddings in one in my country and one in his country so that everybody can come. The truth is we do not want a big wedding where we don’t know every single person, and I personally think smaller intimate weddings are pure and romantic. Having two different weddings doesn’t make sense to me and we both think it’ll be wasting of money as well. My fiance kept telling me what he wants is what I want (which is so frustrating and sweet at the same time! Ugh!!!). However I know how things will turn out if we ignore his side of family’s wishes and elope. I certainly do not want to risk that, but FYI I’m a total people pleaser so this is just me being me. We’re having a small destination wedding with +15 people. It’ll be our immediate families only. I know from the fact that his family is noy thrilled about this idea and perhaps even annoyed a lityle bit, even though we are going to have a wedding instead of elopement! Saying this out loud makes me feel sad a little, but oh well. I got sick of trying to please everyone more than myself and my beloved fiancé. He actually pointed out that it hurts him a little that I don’t even think of what he wants (which was what I truly want=elopement) and stressing over his family’s wishes. We compromised, and I’d like to think it was good that we did. At least I tried my best to honor them while my fiance and I will have a small wedding. Not everyone is happy, but it is what it is. It’s not their wedding, it’s ours. Whatever you do, remember to have the control of the decision making. If you’re willing to comprised like I did, that’s great but don’t let anybody to make a decision for you. You’re going to regret it or the worst case, the relationship might get more complicated. Good luck!
Post # 10
Have the wedding you and your fiance want. We eloped and are so happy we did. It is what we wanted. Our families werent happy at first but ended up being happy that we were happy. I just involed my mom, sister and niece in picking things out and that helped. Make yourself happy. They will get over it and if they dont then they arent thinking about your happiness, just their own.
Post # 11
Hmm, you say he’s not a planner and as far as we know doesn’t seem to have any opinions about what he wants… that doesn’t really look hopeful for him sharing a large part of the planning load! Unless he changes his mind I would elope or do a small wedding with immediate family only. And it would be HIS job to tell his extended family the plan (much better for it to come from him).
Having said that, if you do invite his 40-ish relatives and match that with 40 of your side you’d have about 80 people which isn’t huge. You definitely don’t need to spend $30k++ on that. The planning concerns would still remain though.