(Closed) Eloping before wedding- selfish?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I think you’re doing the right thing by telling them that you are already married, perhaps give the family members flying in more information about your plans so they can make more of an informed choice. I think you’re doing what’s right for you, your Fiance and your family 🙂

Post # 4
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

So the ultimate goal of all this is to get married without your mother there? Correct?

I dont think you are really misleading them since there is no mention of a ceremony on a STD. I would phrase it something like “Celebrate the marriage of…” and then when the actualy invite comes it will be even more clear.

Post # 5
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@claramount:  Were you going to invite your bio-mom to your elopement? I say still have the wedding that you want. Have the intimate elopement and then have the larger reception later on to celebrate the  marriage.

If you do choose to have a larger wedding, include the stepmother in the planning. I’m sneaky so I would make sure she had the larger corsage and the nice gown on and I would have her listed on the program as ‘parents of the bride’ with her name first and I would have her escorted in first.

 

Post # 8
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@claramount:  OK well I think you are fine regarding your guests.

 I guess I dont see how not telling your mom and her finding out after the fact she wasnt invited to the wedding is any different than having a traditional ceremony/reception and not inviting her will be any different

That said, excluding her would create a huge controversy, and potentially create problems with people I care deeply for, such as my younger brother, who is close with her.


I think the controversy is going to exist either way. 

Post # 9
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@claramount:  Would your brother be invited to the elopement? The one close to your mother? Does he not see/know/care that you two are not close?

Post # 11
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sounds like you’re trying to do a lot of customization to attempt to make others happy.

 

Do you really really want the 20-25 ppl wedding/bbq event?  I cannot express how much you need to put your wants first.

If you want to elope, then have a party later – this is totally OK if the guests know that you’re already married.  Maybe call it a celebration party too.  I was married twice (both elopements) and had celebration parties at later dates.

Post # 12
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@claramount:  I say have the elopement with those you want there and have the party afterwards. If she asks, say it was last minute. Do not feel like you have to justify yourself to her. Don’t volunteer any information. Just call them afterward and say “Hey we got married and here is when the reception will be”

Post # 14
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@claramount:  Yes that would be rude. I personally spent so much money on a ticket and a gift I want to see a wedding goshdarnit!!!

Elope and then to everyone send out elopment annoucements with a date for a larger reception.

 

Post # 16
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@claramount:  It would still be dishonest and open up a can of worms. People will have questions and concerns and ask why you didnt cancel sooner so they can save money.

Go elope and then have the celebration. Say you did not want a large crowd there. Inform your mother if she asks that it was spur of the moment.

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