(Closed) Eloping–Kinda?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Do I have a Bridal Shower?
    No, it's in bad form : (20 votes)
    47 %
    Yes, It's perfectly fine : (10 votes)
    23 %
    Yes, it's in bad form but who cares, get those gifts! : (1 votes)
    2 %
    Maybe : (12 votes)
    28 %
  • Post # 3
    9649 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    well usually someone else throws the bridal shower, so if someone offers to host one for you i would accept, if not that’s ok too ๐Ÿ™‚ and getting married in Paris, sounds amazing, can’t wait to see pics ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 4
    1375 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I would opt out of a shower, techno one of the guests will see you get married. A shower for aa elopement can be seen as gift grabby.

    Post # 6
    1375 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I understand your reasoning, but it is not a reception, it is a get together. And again, the guests will not have seen you wed. Elopement is a great thing for people who do it, but you also give up some of the bells and whistles of the engagement period, like a shower.

    Post # 8
    427 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I answered maybe. I am eloping, kinda (everyone knows we are getting married but it will only be us there). Some members of my family said I should have a bridal shower, and my sisters wanted to throw me one, but I spoke up and said I didn’t feel like it would be right because I’m not having a family wedding.  They understood, but if someone offers to throw you one then I don’t see anything wrong with accepting if you are ok with having one (I’m not big on the whole center of attention thing, makes me anxious).

    Post # 9
    1375 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    People will still want to get you gifts, so you can subtly create a small registry and if people ask, then tell them, but just don’t advertise.

    Honestly, I would decline a shower in your case. Closer family might be ok with attending, but others could find it rude.

    Post # 10
    217 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2024

    You’re still getting married wether you “elope” or not.

    Post # 11
    127 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Let’s just be honest: aren’t all showers gift grabby? I can’t find the link now, but Martha Stewart said that a bridal shower for a destination wedding is fine, granted that all attendees do not attend the wedding. Having a mixture of attendees and non-attendees creates have and have-not classes at the party. 

    Post # 12
    11272 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    bridal showers are never hosted by the bride herself so you don’t have to worry about it.  should one of your friends or family members choose to host a shower for you, i think that would be okay.

    Post # 13
    524 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I agree with @mypinkshoes and @DevBrown05:  since showers are not thrown by the bride and groom, your family or friends can throw you a shower if they choose to, and if they choose to throw you a party, why would you have to decline it? That’s just silly. I also agree that whether you’re eloping or having a big party, you are getting married. Showers aren’t pre-wedding-get-to-know-you events: they were typically held to help the bride and groom start their new life! If your guests think they’re tacky, then guess what? They don’t have to go! Or they don’t have to get you a gift! They’re adults and can choose to do what feels right for them. If one of my friends or cousins were eloping, I would still want to go to their shower: even moreso since they weren’t having a wedding, since I’d want to celebrate with them!

    I know “etiquette” says some standard things, but I also know it’s not an end-all, be-all: people need to do what’s right for them, and for your family and friends, if that’s throwing you a shower, so be it (you shouldn’t demand one, though, obviously). 

    Post # 14
    3265 posts
    Sugar bee

    Everyone who is invited to the shower, MUST be invited to the wedding.  Since you aren’t planning to invite these guests you must also decline anyone who offers to host a shower on your behalf.


    Now if someone hosts a surprise shower, I think you have to accept the surprise graciously.  But if anyone brings it up a head of time, then you must decline.

    Guests will be upset to be good enough for the presents, but not for their presence.

    Post # 15
    9955 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    As a bit of an Etiquette Snob, let me set the record straight… because this is one area where there is a lot of misinformation.

    When it comes to Wedding Showers, as mypinkshoes: has said, Showers are ALWAYS organized / hosted by someone who is a friend or relative of the Bride… and NEVER by the Bride herself.

    It can be a SURPRISE SHOWER… or the Bride can be consulted in regards to the Guest List.

    A Shower is traditionally a small event, held within the timeframe of 2 weeks to 2 months prior to the Wedding Ceremony.  And ONLY close friends & family are invited… and as others have mentioned, it is IMPERATIVE that those who receive a Shower Invite are INVITED TO THE WEDDING (as a gift at a Shower is the norm)

    There is NO OBLIGATION that a Shower for the Bride is an event to be attended by ALL FEMALE GUESTS… infact this recent trend is in itself “Gift Grabby”

    However, there are exceptions when a Shower can go beyond the general rule of thumb of being for those who are ONLY closest Friends & Family… (and therefore the size of the event as well can be larger)

    One… When the Wedding Ceremony is very small…  (restricted to family members only) and perhaps there is no Reception.  In this case a Couple may be given a Shower to which a wider group of friends could be invited.  In this instance, the Shower taking the place of a Reception.  These types of Showers, can be traditional Bridal Showers (for the Bride), but more often they are “Couples Showers” and the gifts reflective of a theme that can be enjoyed by the Newlyweds together (ie Backyard Shower – Camping Shower – Wine Shower etc)

    Or, Secondly… IF it is a local custom that a Shower is thrown by those who know the Bride, and want to wish her well, even though they may not be invited to the Wedding.  Such as the case of Co-Workers throwing a Shower, the Ladies of her Church Congregation, or some other “social” group to which the Bride is a member.

    Sooo… in regards to the Question that the OP asked…

    In the case of a Traditional / True Elopement, where a couple goes off to get married unbeknownst to anyone else, there would obviously be NO SHOWERS.

    In the case of a Modern Elopement where the couple is “eloping” to a Destination Wedding… to have a small intimate wedding (alone or with just a few Guests) … then Showers are totally acceptable for the most part (see below)

    — — —

    In the situation where a couple is Eloping to a Destination Wedding, and planning a Back Home Reception afterwards upon their return (such as I am doing)… the Bride / Couple should they get an inclination that there could be a shower, should politely decline the offer (“Honesty this isn’t necessary… we are planning an event ourselves for everyone afterwards”) … but then again, just like a regular wedding, if this is to be a SURPRISE SHOWER… little can be done.

    Generally speaking… SURPRISE SHOWERS… seem to always be acceptable no matter what the circumstance… well meaning friends… (and polite society, will not chastise friends when they make an etiquette faux pas)

    Hope this helps,

    * ALL INFO ABOVE paraphrased from Peggy Post’s *Wedding Etiquette* book


    Post # 16
    951 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    In your case, a shower is probably not appropriate. I was going to elope, but we adjusted our plans and are now having a private ceremony with a reception dinner, so will probably have an alternative style shower.

    The topic ‘Eloping–Kinda?’ is closed to new replies.

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