Post # 32
I’m sorry but you crossed the line. It wasn’t your business to take care of. No, your SO did not take care of it like he said he would – but that doesn’t mean you should take care of it for him. If he doesn’t want to cut contact with her (which clearly he doesn’t) then you telling her to leave him alone won’t take care of the issue. Instead of writing to her to cut the contact, you should be cutting the contact with your BF instead since he doesn’t respect you enough to be honest with you or to cut contact with someone who makes you uncomfortable.
Clearly you do not have a relationship built on trust or mutual respect and if you don’t have those things (in my opinion) you have very little hope of having a long-lasting, happy and healthy relationship.
Post # 33
You need to quit going through his stuff. He obviously doesn’t feel he has anything to hide if hes leaving everything logged in for you to see, knowing you go through it. It seems like you’re just creating unnecessary drama for yourself. It’s just a matter of respecting someone’s privacy. I’m 30 years old and my mother still feels like she has the right to open my mail even though I’ve gone off on her countless times for doing it. Not like I care if she sees it but does that make it right? No.
Treating someone as if they’re going to do what someone else has done to you only pushes that person away. It doesn’t make them want you more. You gotta let it go!
Post # 34
@LannaMi: Being cheated on can seriously mess with your psyche, I completely understand that. Sometimes this leads to paranoia and self sabotage-
Very true statement and I have been there. However, you have no business entering another relationship if you are still healing frmo that past damage (which OP clearly isn’t over it). After my cheating relationship, I made sure to seek out counseling to get over those issues so as to not bring them into my next relationship. However, I also feel that with the right person, you won’t have those issues because they will never give you any reason not to trust.
OP – I know you think what you did would “take care of Fran” however if it’s not Fran, it will be someone else. I’m not saying he did anything wrong (because I really don’t think he did – other than lie to you about her e-mail) I think he wanted to avoid awkard confrontation with her and instead of telling her they won’t be talking anymore because you said so, he chose to “take care of it” by not responding to her messages anymore.
Post # 35
You way over-stepped the line on this one. Snooping is never ok, I can understand the curiousity when you find your FI’s email was left open and logged on, fine.
You not only snooped and found evidence of a completely platonic friendship, but you went crazy and ignored that insisting in your mind that those emails must not tell you everything there is to know. You actively went searching through his other personal accounts, that is wrong. Sounds to me that you were so actively snooping that you were constantly checking the computer for anything he may have stayed logged into.
If you trust you Fiance so little, then why did you move in with him? It sounds like this was a friendship he never tried to hide from you, ordering someone to end a friendship will never go well for you, and if you continue to try to force the matter he will pick her over you.
As far as i’m concerned, I would always pick the person not making me choose, and I know my Fiance would never tell me to choose between a friend or family member and him, nor would I ever ask him to choose.
Ordering him to end the friendship was overstepping, and emailing this girl yourself is past the line of crazytown. All you can do now is apologize to both this girl and your Fiance and pray they forgive you. If I was your Fiance I would end things.
Post # 36
@MrsWBS: Absolutely, you should seek out help. That’s why I suggested it. Then again, in my situation, I explained to my Fiance (three years ago lol) from the start that I had trust issues and was working on them. He was an open book with me, and now I trust him completely. Sometimes a good (very patient) partner can be part of the healing process!
I think you’re 100% correct though. My guy just stopped responding to his girl friend, rather than saying “Hey, you’re making my girlfriend and I uncomfortable. Please go away.” Much less drama and problematic, and I bet that is what he was doing.
Post # 37
Violating your fiance’s privacy and logging into his email, checking his FB? That’s naughty, poisonous behavior and it only leads to trouble.
If he finds out that you emailed her (and he eventually will) he is going to know you went through his email and be very angry about it. This could be a relationship breaker. I think you should notify him as soon as possible what you did and apologize.
Post # 38
@missrobots: 100% ITA! Snooping always adds to paranoia. If you think you found something, you look into it and get upset. But if you don’t find anything, well then you must not have looked hard enough and keep digging. Your issues and insecurities should have been directed to your man. At this point coming clean is your only option.
Post # 39
The only person’s action you can (and should) control is your own.
My Fiance also has a ‘friend’ – a ex FWB – that interacts in a way with him that we both consider inappropriate. FI has made it clear to this person that he is with me and happy. Just recently this person put a picture of themself with Fiance as their FB profile picture. Neither of us were happy with it. I told Fiance that he’d be well within his rights to ask this person to remove it.
I have no idea whether he has or not…I somehow doubt it, as Fiance considers any communication with this person will open up a dialogue he has no wish to particpate in. I can understand his reasoning. There have been times I would love to tell this person to f**k off, but it’s not my place to do so.
You should tell your Fiance what you have done asap.
p.s. I should have mentioned this situation with FI’s ex has been going on for over 3 years. I still don’t feel like I should interfere.
Post # 40
Ok, first and foremost, i guess i need to clarify a few things.
1. Yes, i do agree that snooping leads to nothing but bigger insecurities and problems. and i have accepted that it is not okay. He does know i have gone through his stuff, but not that i have trolled through old messages from when we first started dating.
2. I wrote an email but i did not send it. I guess thats what i need to clarify the most. hence, the reason i said “i am asking for advice.” I was wondering if i should send it to her in the first place.
3. He does know exactly how i feel about this situation. After our huge blow out, we have talked about it in a calm collected manner. I have told him exactly why i feel insecure about this girl in particular.
ok, now to defend myself a little becuase i think you guys made me to be some crazy bimbo that needs to be locked away…. I would like to ask if you can put yourself in my spot as i paint this picture. – Prior to this relationship, i was in a 4yr relationship. (it was almost 3 years before i started my relationship wit my current bf) My ex was a well known tattoo artist in CA and i had a friend that moved to the netherlends that opened up a parlor out there that was failing. My ex and i agreed to send him out thre to save my friends shop. He was in there for 3 months. WHile i trusted him whole heartly, he came back and out relationship just wasnt the same. He came clean and said he would be moving there becuase he has met the love of his life and was thinking about marriage with her. it crushed me.
Now, after our relationship died, and i slowly nursed my heart back to health i sarted dating. I have never held what he did against any other men as i thought it was just sooooo far fetched and could never happen again. Then i met my bf. and he has a friend, oh! from europe. Now, u all cant tell me you wouldnt panick a little given this situation. Which is also why i acted a little nuts and DRAFTED and email to her.
Now that its all made clear, i have gotten my answer that i should not send this email, but rather talk to him about it. I will def let him know that i thought about emailing her myself, and that i have been violating his privacy.
Post # 41
@loving_life: thank you for pointing this out…..
Post # 42
OP glad to hear you have NOT sent the email.
As for your ex cheating on you, it’s not fair to punish your current SO for the bad behavior of your ex. Just because your ex cheated does not mean your SO will cheat, and just because he at one time had feelings for Fran doesn’t mean he will cheat. It just means Fran had a special place in his heart before he got serious with you.
You say he wrote a message to Fran’s friend that “He then responded with how hard it is to be “buddy buddy with someone you care deeply for and could see yourself committing to. SOmoen you would be willing to drop everything for.”. that he tried to move her out here with him but she never wanted to.” If I follow correctly, that message was written a while ago, when you two were first dating. It sounds like he has been quietly trying to distance himself from Fran anyway and that now that you and he have become serious, Fran is just someone from his past.
It’s quite possible that he will always have a special place in his heart for her, which is completely normal and acceptable; just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t undo all the people you’ve loved in whatever capacity over the years. Each of us has room for our partner in our hearts even if we carry some feelings for others from our past. You need to get comfortable with that.
Also I think it’s wrong to force your SO to completely sever ties with Fran. Although that closure would be good for both of you, the forced aspect of it would lead to resentment and in my book, it’s better to deal with the ghosts of the past than with the constant resentment.
Post # 43
I read your update and I do see where you’re coming from, but your issues due to your ex are 100% your issues and you should work on them yourself instead of expecting your Fiance to cater to your irrational fears and reactions based on what your ex did.
Stop punishing your Fiance for your exes mistakes. The only that will accomplish is destroying your relationship with your Fiance. You have obviously not recovered from what your ex did, so I would suggest that you seek an infidelity support group or individual counseling to help you deal with your issues.
Post # 44
@fishbone: Thank you for your response. I am going to talk with him tonight over dinner at home. I do feel bad for snooping, and i do want it to stop.
I do agree as well, that i have no place in who he can or cannot be friends with, and i never wanted to be that person. I did request they no longer are friends, and that is someting else i will address.
Post # 45
@VAwife: like i said, i am 100% aware that this fear is stemming from my old relationship. i dont think i need to seek counseling becuase i dont think i am crazy. like i said, what happened with my ex was sooo far fetched and i have never been a snooper . But i mean geeze another european chick? at that moment, i felt like i could not compete. cut me some slack here.
i guess i carry some resentments towards eurpoean women now? I mean isnt it the same as a womans husband cheating on her with a 21yr old? You can bet your bottom dollar that woman is going to try and “find her youth” again…..
Post # 46
@cestrada06: Sorry but going to counseling doesn’t mean someone is crazy. It means you are self aware and understand that you have things you could improve on to make your life and relationship better. You clearly have unresolved trust issues stemming from cheating (especially if you generalize that experience to all european women) and counseling could help. I know I wasn’t the crazy person for seeking counseling after going through an emotionally abusive relationship that involved cheating. HE was the crazy one. I got help to ensure I wouldn’t have issues brought into other relationships because of those experiences.
Your viewpoint seems very skewed – why would you blame european women and not the person who cheated? This is like when girls blame”the other woman” their man cheated on them with, yet the other woman had no idea he was in a relationship. Step 1 is blaming the right person for the action – which in your case is not europena woman or your current bf.