(Closed) Embarrassed – need advice

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think you have to try and get him to a DR – let him know how this is making you feel and how he envisions your relationship sexually in the future?? Its not just about his needs its about yours too .. remind him that when he starts “losing his temper” over the issue.

Post # 4
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Sent from my Android

ok I’m going to be really blunt….he is not fulfilling your needs…its time to go. You either need to talk to him and tell him that you have considered having an affair …or just leave. I’m sorry but watching porn instead of satisfiying your future wife is selfish. Wish you guys the best … sorry your going through this 🙁

Post # 5
Member
6349 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

The fact he watches porn means this isn’t an issue with his libido; my guess is that he’s suffering with performance anxiety, which can be addressed and worked on, IF he makes the effort (such as going for therapy with a specialist, practicing techniques to make him last longer, etc). What concerns me is his complete unwillngness to even attempt to address this, as it shows a great disregard for your feelings.

I would say you want to talk properly and that you don’t want him to get angry and upset, but to listen to what you have to say. Maybe write it all down in a letter to give to him first so that he has time to reflect before talking about it.

If he refuses to discuss it or get help, then I would be quetionning if there is any future with him. Sex is not the be all and end all for me or my OH; I suffer with endo which can make sex extremely painful. But we work around it; I make sure he’s still satisfied even if I can’t manage intercourse. Whereas your OH is just refusing to accept it’s an issue, and is showing not thought for your feelings, and THAT would worry me

Post # 7
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

He needs to see his MD sooner rather than later. I would just have a frank discussion with him and say that while this is embarrassing alot of men go thru it so there is no reason not to get help. If you cannot have a frank open honest conversation as a couple you don’t need to marry him In My Humble Opinion. This affects both of you not just him. It sounds like a medical thing that has led to performance anxiety so now he just avoids sex.

Post # 8
Member
4069 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

We struggle with our sex life at the moment too.  It’s not because he loves me any less or because he doesn’t want to be intimate but he is extrememely stressed at work.  When he gets home he just wants to relax. I know some people would say sex is relaxing but with all the pressures of the day followed by the pressure we put on ourselves to perform it just doesnt happen as often as we like.  Does your Fiance have similar work pressures?  My SO is currently looking for a new job because of the stress.

I remember with an ex he really struggled to keep an erection because he just wanted to please me,  I would say try not to put any pressure on your Fiance.  Dress up and make the first move (I know you already do) but try not to expect anything to happen.  If it happens great, if it doesn’t maybe next time.  I agree he may need to see the doctor, because if he wont talk to you he really needs to talk to someone about it; he’s probably quite embarrassed and scared he wont be able to perform which will make it worse.

Post # 10
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree that he needs to see his doctor because something else might be going on and I do not believe it any way that it is your fault.

Have you tried spicing things up? If he’s into porn how about some sexy new outfit and a new video and you can watch it together. If he’s getting aroused then you can try to start imitating the video. Or is he likes watching others, would he like watching you. Just think of some ways to spice it up in the bedroom and take the pressure off of him at the same time.

Post # 11
Member
5011 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

Have you tried watching porn together?

My fiance has some issues with his libido but largely it’s related to exhaustion. Our busy lives can wreak havoc on some men’s energy levels and porn is easy quick and selfish.

I’m not saying that in a bad way. I watch porn and masturbate alone when I’m horny but not in the mood for sex. I’m honest about it with my fiance and he doesn’t mind.

That said, watching porn together can sometimes tempt him out of tiredness and lead to sex. 

Anyway, the point is why not try introducing porn without chastising him for his use of it and see where it leads.

Post # 14
Member
5011 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@ticatica: Don’t necessarily suggest it. Watch porn and invite him to join you. Masturbate in front of him. If he can do it, so can you.

Post # 15
Member
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

How often does he watch porn?  That may play a factor into it.  I’m going off of someone’s personal experience, but I know it’s not true in every situation.

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