Post # 1
Ok, I’m really embarrassed to be writing this but I could do with some advice. I considered going by a different name but I’m gonna be straight up with everyone in the hope you’ll be the same back.
I’ve been with Fiance for nearly 5 years. We’ve never had a good sex life. He was really sexual for the first 3/4 months of our relationship but not since. He used to give and seem interested in doing things to me, but hasn’t done that in years. When we first got together he suffered a bit from loss of erections and even now, he’s never got good at lasting more than a few minutes. He has never initiated sex and has told me he has a low libido. I know he secretly watches porn sometimes so this isn’t true. I also know sometimes he is turned on but will try to ignore it.
He loses his temper whenever I’ve brought this issue up. He’s told me he has a low libido and that’s just the way it is. He can’t admit there’s a problem. My problem is, I’ve not had fun in bed with him for years. I’ve never considered cheating. I love him and he doesn’t deserve that. I can’t imagine ever wanting anything like that from someone else. But I don’t know what to do about it anymore.
Has anyone else got this problem. I know for certain he won’t go to counselling about it. I know this is pathetic on his part but I guess I’m hoping for suggestions from people who may have suffered this and found a way around it…..
Post # 3
I think you have to try and get him to a DR – let him know how this is making you feel and how he envisions your relationship sexually in the future?? Its not just about his needs its about yours too .. remind him that when he starts “losing his temper” over the issue.
Post # 4
Sent from my Android
ok I’m going to be really blunt….he is not fulfilling your needs…its time to go. You either need to talk to him and tell him that you have considered having an affair …or just leave. I’m sorry but watching porn instead of satisfiying your future wife is selfish. Wish you guys the best … sorry your going through this 🙁
Post # 5
The fact he watches porn means this isn’t an issue with his libido; my guess is that he’s suffering with performance anxiety, which can be addressed and worked on, IF he makes the effort (such as going for therapy with a specialist, practicing techniques to make him last longer, etc). What concerns me is his complete unwillngness to even attempt to address this, as it shows a great disregard for your feelings.
I would say you want to talk properly and that you don’t want him to get angry and upset, but to listen to what you have to say. Maybe write it all down in a letter to give to him first so that he has time to reflect before talking about it.
If he refuses to discuss it or get help, then I would be quetionning if there is any future with him. Sex is not the be all and end all for me or my OH; I suffer with endo which can make sex extremely painful. But we work around it; I make sure he’s still satisfied even if I can’t manage intercourse. Whereas your OH is just refusing to accept it’s an issue, and is showing not thought for your feelings, and THAT would worry me
Post # 6
I dont want to leave over this. I love him , in every other way he’s an amazing fiancé. He’s got some deep seated issue that I’m having a really hard time getting him to deal with and tbh I think i’ve let him get away with it for too long as I’ve not spoken about it again for about a year. I don’t want to say I’m thinking about having an affair because that would just be being hurtful and that’s not how I feel… I do appreciate your insight though, thank you.
That may be the one thing I’ve never suggested to him….
Post # 7
He needs to see his MD sooner rather than later. I would just have a frank discussion with him and say that while this is embarrassing alot of men go thru it so there is no reason not to get help. If you cannot have a frank open honest conversation as a couple you don’t need to marry him In My Humble Opinion. This affects both of you not just him. It sounds like a medical thing that has led to performance anxiety so now he just avoids sex.
Post # 8
We struggle with our sex life at the moment too. It’s not because he loves me any less or because he doesn’t want to be intimate but he is extrememely stressed at work. When he gets home he just wants to relax. I know some people would say sex is relaxing but with all the pressures of the day followed by the pressure we put on ourselves to perform it just doesnt happen as often as we like. Does your Fiance have similar work pressures? My SO is currently looking for a new job because of the stress.
I remember with an ex he really struggled to keep an erection because he just wanted to please me, I would say try not to put any pressure on your Fiance. Dress up and make the first move (I know you already do) but try not to expect anything to happen. If it happens great, if it doesn’t maybe next time. I agree he may need to see the doctor, because if he wont talk to you he really needs to talk to someone about it; he’s probably quite embarrassed and scared he wont be able to perform which will make it worse.
Post # 9
Yeah this is what bothers me. In every other way, he’s really considerate and is genuinely the best guy i’ve met. He’s been there with me through alot of stuff and been an amazing guy but when it comes to this, it’s like he’ll apologise and that’s the end of it. He can’t even discuss it. Thing is, I don’t just want to make this about me….as there’s clearly an issue here I just don’t know what or why.
Writing a letter could be good although it’s obviously gonna hit him from nowhere.
Post # 10
I agree that he needs to see his doctor because something else might be going on and I do not believe it any way that it is your fault.
Have you tried spicing things up? If he’s into porn how about some sexy new outfit and a new video and you can watch it together. If he’s getting aroused then you can try to start imitating the video. Or is he likes watching others, would he like watching you. Just think of some ways to spice it up in the bedroom and take the pressure off of him at the same time.
Post # 11
Have you tried watching porn together?
My fiance has some issues with his libido but largely it’s related to exhaustion. Our busy lives can wreak havoc on some men’s energy levels and porn is easy quick and selfish.
I’m not saying that in a bad way. I watch porn and masturbate alone when I’m horny but not in the mood for sex. I’m honest about it with my fiance and he doesn’t mind.
That said, watching porn together can sometimes tempt him out of tiredness and lead to sex.
Anyway, the point is why not try introducing porn without chastising him for his use of it and see where it leads.
Post # 12
He’s had a lot of different jobs in the time we’ve been together and at the worst of times, he was probably quite unhappy with himself. I think it’s to do with confidence in himself sexually and it’s something I don’t know how to improve. I once suggested me getting dressed up but he said not to….I can see him looking at my brests or ass sometimes but he just doesn’t do anything. He oftens apologises during and after sex. I’m out of ideas as to what to do. I’ve been faking it for so long in the hope this would improve his confidece, I don’t know how to go back!
I think you’re right.
Post # 13
I could try spicing things up myself….although my own confidence has become shot to sh1t in recent years from being turned down by him so much (I used to be really sexually confident) but I know that he’s embarrassed that I know he watches it so I can;t imagine him relaxing enough to watch it with me.
Maybe I should bite the bullet and suggest it anyway….thanks for that bit of advice…maybe I should just give it a go…
Post # 14
@ticatica: Don’t necessarily suggest it. Watch porn and invite him to join you. Masturbate in front of him. If he can do it, so can you.
Post # 15
How often does he watch porn? That may play a factor into it. I’m going off of someone’s personal experience, but I know it’s not true in every situation.
Post # 16
not so much anymore as his new job leaves him too busy….he did it alot when he was only working part time and was home alone for hours.
At least, that’s what I think!