(Closed) Emotional betrayal (long)

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do if you were in this situation
    Leave and never look back : (73 votes)
    53 %
    Move out and see if you can work things out slowly : (32 votes)
    23 %
    Stay and try to work things out with counseling : (29 votes)
    21 %
    Other : (3 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9567 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2018

    Couples counselling at least, saying he is looking for someone new? Just NOT ON, revenge/joke or not.

    Post # 4
    Hostess
    2557 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Do you believe he was just saying those things and his words (I’m looking for someone new/I want a poly relationship) held no weight?  If that’s the case, I would try to move past this.  If you think he really meant what he said, I’d be packing my bags and heading home.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1891 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    @dontwannabe:   But, he then mentioned that he was looking for someone new. That he didn’t see himself being with me long term and he thought maybe he wanted to be in a polyamorous situation.

    WOW that is soo not ok and I would feel incredibly hurt and betrayed if I were you.  I would be a little upset in the first place that he was texting his cheating ex, but I would be completely heartbroken if he was texting her that he didn’t see himself being with me and was “looking for someone new.”  Are you kidding me???  He doesn’t deserve your love, trust, or your companionship right now.  If I were you, I’d move out and MAYBE possibly let him slowly gain your trust back.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2420 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    First off, I’m sorry you are going through this.

    I’ve been in this situation before. My ex told a girl he used to like that he was only dating me to make her jealous, at that point we had been dating for 3.5 years. Even though he hurt me badly, I would NEVER imagine doing something like that to my current SO.

    I would take a few days and really think about everything and whether or not this relationship is worth fixing. If you think it is, I would try couples counseling. It was/is unfair of him to say that he was looking for revenge on how much she had hurt him in the past. He has been with you for three years. Her opinion/what happened in the past should no longer matter to him. TBH, he shouldn’t even be talking to this girl anymore.

    Post # 9
    Member
    808 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I would move out..Make sure you aren’t relyant on him AT ALL. 

    Then I would see how much he wanted things to work out. If he does then he would put in all the effort (maybe counselling). If he doesn’t then it’s an easy out for him and you aren’t left with nothing.

    *Big Hugs* for you hunni…..

    Post # 10
    Member
    1652 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I’m so sorry. I don’t think you should stay with him. That’s just so hurtful and shocking. It seems like trusting him would be hard after this.

    Post # 11
    Member
    4314 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Leave.  Please respect yourself more than you respect him and this idiot he’s texting. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    808 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Just another thought…If say he did do this to get back at his ex…….It shows a completely vindictive side to him and are you sure you want a man like that?

    Post # 13
    Member
    1896 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

     he then mentioned that he was looking for someone new. That he didn’t see himself being with me long term and he thought maybe he wanted to be in a polyamorous situation.

    You deserve better. For any person to say they were looking for someone new… wow i have no words. Leave, dont look back, give him what he wants- to find someone new. Im sorry you are going through this!

    Post # 14
    Member
    1556 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I am not usually one to say leave…but I’m really tempted to here.  There are two possibilities here and neither are good.

    The first is that he is lying to you and that he actually meant what he said in those texts.  In that case, I think what you need to do is pretty clear.

    But if he is telling the truth, I don’t find that to be much better.  One, if he is in love with you and planning a future with you, why does he care what his ex thinks or feels?  Why does he feel the need to hurt her?  If he is truly over her, he’d either be simply friendly with her or totally indifferent.  But he is telling you that he still has some attachment there…not good.  Also, assuming what he said is true, he is lying about his feelings about you to another woman just to promote his own twisted agenda.  Again, not good.  At the very least, he still has some unresolved issues with her AND is willing to trash talk about you to make another girl feel hurt in a twisted attempt to make himself feel better.

    I truly don’t see that either possibility is a good one.  But only you know what you can and cannot live with.

    PS – I don’t really see a true apology anywhere in your post (though he may well have done so and I am just missing it.).  But it irks me no end that he is trying to turn this around and make you at fault by saying he has tried to go to couples counseling and you wouldn’t go.  Smdh.

    Post # 15
    Member
    4803 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @arsing89:  He has been with you for three years. Her opinion/what happened in the past should no longer matter to him. TBH, he shouldn’t even be talking to this girl anymore.


    This is what I was thinking too – even if he is telling the truth and didn’t mean it and was just trying to make her jealous, that is still a problem. The fact that he still hasn’t let the hurt and anger toward a girl from three years ago is a big deal – he shouldn’t even be thinking about her at this point. He definitely needs counseling – and if you decide to stay in or even attempt to work on this relationship, I’d attend with him. But I really can’t say if I would stay or go, that’s such a hard situation and one of those things where I don’t think I’d really know how I’d respond unless I was actually in the situation.

    Post # 16
    Member
    7908 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

    I’d get couple’s counseling. What if he is telling you the truth about jsut tryign to hurt her? Sure, that’s pretty messed up, but wouldn’t you rather get yourselves in a situation where he can work through those emotions instead of giving up on the relationship. You can always leave later if you aren’t satisfied after counseling.

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