(Closed) Emotional Cheating: Anyone dealt with this sort of thing?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

Just sent you a pm.

Post # 5
Member
3254 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I guess it’s good that nothing physical has ever happened between the two of you, but it seems like he is trying to bait you to get you to make a move. The best thing to do seems to be removing yourself from the situation, like you apparently are if you’re moving to a different office with your company. If I were you, I would try to avoid being alone with him so as not to tempt yourself.

Post # 6
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think that it is natural to be attracted to others at times, even when we’re in relationships. The defining thing about marriage though is that you respect the boundries and don’t do anything inappropriate. It sounds like you’ve done that, so don’t beat yourself up too much!

Whenever you find yourself thinking of your coworker, try to think of something else, totally unrelated. Maybe errands you need to run or a vacation with your Darling Husband you want to take. Retraining your thoughts into new directions takes a lot of work and discipline (trust me, I know!) so I don’t say this casually. It is work.

Lastly, I would suggest spicing things up with your Darling Husband. Perhaps you’ve settled into a routine and are lacking excitement, which could make the attention/thoughts of another man interesting/potentially tempting. Try to do new things with DH; new things in the bedroom, new date nights, etc. Maybe even revamp old things you like and that brought you together in the first place.

In two weeks you’ll have an exciting new job (I hope it’s exciting?) and learning the new ins and outs of your job will also help keep your mind occupied. Again, don’t beat yourself up – you have respected the vows of your marriage. Just make sure you keep moving in the direction of safety by keeping yourself from being in any kind of inappropriate situation, and additionally bringing excitement back to your marriage. 

Post # 8
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

First of all, I think the fact that you are recognizing and acknowledge the feelings that you’re having is huge. Not only that, but you seem to have a sense that if you were to pursue, or act on these feelings in any way, it would be hurtful to your Darling Husband and damaging to your marriage. That is a good indicator, and I think that oftentimes, people can get swept up in the excitement of ‘playing with fire’ for lack of a better term, and they inevitably end up getting burnt. Acknowledging and exploring your thoughts and feelings is a good thing! If you repressed all these thoughts, they might just spill out in inappropriate ways later.

Secondly, I think that the feelings that you’re having are probably very normal and more common than you might think. I for one don’t believe in “soul mates”; I think that throughout our lives, we find that we have connections with a variety of different people at different times, and for a number of different reasons. There are billions of people in this world, and I think it’s unrealistic to never expect to find yourself attracted to, or curiously interested in anyone other than your husband.

That being said, there is a big difference between feeling a connection with someone, and acting on it. Judging from your post, you’re clearly cognisant of that, which makes me believe that you’ll maneuver this situation just fine. Honor the lifelong committment that you have made to your husband, and remind yourself that the love that you share encompasses something so much deeper and so much more meaningful than these feelings that you’re having toward your coworker. I think that recognizing your feelings is healthy, it is normal, and instead of having your feelings scare you, working through them and trying to really understand them is key.

Post # 9
Member
3254 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@jules28: That’s really well said. I completely agree.

@EmotionalMess: Sorry if my comment came across as rash. I was trying to confirm that it does indeed seem that he is interested in you because you said “Maybe it’s in my head.” But I agree with PPs that you are handling it in a really healthy, normal way. 

Post # 10
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

I also agree with the other posts—I think that if you’re feeling nervous about the feelings that you’re having (and especially if you’re sensing that there is a mutual connection here), it’s a good thing to remove yourself. You don’t want to get drawn into a situation where you are both curious and could be tempted. Reconnect with your husband, and take MrsTahoe’s advice! (it’s good advice)

Post # 11
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

In the meantime, why don’t you make it a point also to talk up your husband in front of this guy as much as possible. By making him present in the scenario, you might be able to stave off some of the unwarranted / unwelcome / inappropriate commentary he is bringing into the environment. 

Also, he’ll get the point to back off, without you coming out and saying it. If he doesn’t, maybe you can come right out and say it, but try this first. The good thing about this is the limited exposure you’ll have to his passive advances. I think he’s sticking his toes in the water to see if you’ll reciprocate. If you send high context communication out there for him to cool it, you won’t have anything to ruminate over in your down time. 

Post # 12
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@jules28:  Thanks! 🙂 I thought your advice was great too, especially this bit: Honor the lifelong committment that you have made to your husband, and remind yourself that the love that you share encompasses something so much deeper and so much more meaningful than these feelings that you’re having toward your coworker. 

Beautifully put!

OP, you sound like you have a solid head on your shoulders and I think you will be just fine. As jules28 said, it’s fairly unrealistic to think that through this life, with all the people in this world, that you’ll never meet another person you won’t have some kind of connection/attraction too. It’s what you do with it that counts. 

And lastly… congrats on your promotion! That’s very exciting! Be sure to do something fun with Darling Husband to celebrate! 

Post # 13
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

It was switched around for me. I, personally, have never emotionally cheated on my Fiance.

 

Post # 14
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

It’s great that you can recognize what is going on and you feel guilt about it. I think creating as much distance from him as possible, is the best thing for you to do, if you love your partner and respect his feelings.

I think that is such a big deal. I keep myself away from those possibilities.. trying to clue the Fiance in on the same. The more you put yourself around people you find attractive and the more you talk with them, the more likely this will result. It’s just how it is. I stay away. I trust myself, but I don’t want to test it. No reason to do so. It only leads to trouble for someone.

 

Post # 15
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think that there are two different types of relationships, REAL relationships (like the one you have with your DH) and work relationships (a relationship that involves common interests, and things that maybe Darling Husband isnt interested in.) Think about it this way, you see this guy probably more than you do your husband, 40+hrs a day is a lot of time to get comfy with someone.. not only that but since you both obviously work together you both have the same interests that made you interested in the work to begin with. A work relationship is only supposed to be used to get you away from all the personal drama that can go on in your life, so you can go back to Darling Husband with a smile on your face and feeling good about yourself. I think you need to really think about how comfortable you’d be with this guy outside of work (my bet is it wouldnt work out.) Remember that just because you have the same interests spoken at work, neither of you have opened up to eachother they way you have with your spouses. Neither of you have seen eachother at your worst, etc, etc. I totally understand how hard this must be on you, and ive been in a similar situation and done the exact thing ive mentioned and it made so much more sense to me. I think it will help that you’ll never be working with him again, i’d also try to stay away from him. As much of a friend as he may be, he sounds like he might be starting to think about acting on his emotions and that will only confuse you more and possibly make your life very messy. Best of luck though, I think its great that you’re able to notice a problem and try to fix it for your marriage.. too many people would up and leave thinking this new guy was their knight in shining armor. 

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