Post # 1
Member
17 posts
Newbee
If you read this, thank you so so much in advance. I’m really at a loss to do.
My fiance knows I’ve always been a jealous person and we have been through a lot in the past year and a half including a break of two months. We started dating June of last year after meeting on a cruise. Soon after we started dating two other girls he met on the cruise talked to him quite a bit. It didn’t bother me but something never felt right. Fast forward to November we hit a rough patch but continued to date till January when we broke up and got back together in March. Fast forward to a week ago to his computer going off while he’s at work and I’m visiting. I knew one of those girls had texted him recently and my jealously got the better of me. I started snooping through their old conversations (I’m talking late last year) and I attached some photos of what I found (He is the one with the reddish display picture and well, you get the hint). I confronted him about them and he said, he was drinking lots during that time (I told him not an excuse), he was a different person then, we were going through a rough patch, this is cheating because he had no emotional bond to them.
To me… this is fucked up. THIS is cheating. He doesn’t consider it that. He keeps going on about how he’s been loyal the past 8 months and that should matter but I dont believe him. And he keeps saying that I should. He thinks him proposing and filing the paperwork for me to go there should “trump” *HIS WORDS* what happened in the past.
Am I overreacting? What would you do? I seriously need advice. I don’t feel like I have anyone to turn to here because everyone thinks so highly of him.
Post # 2
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
Wow…what a douche. Dump his ass and move onto a MAN.
Post # 3
Member
17 posts
Newbee
He is saying right now if I had told him I had cheated on him last year he would have forgiven me because our relationship was becoming toxic. That he’s given me enough reasons for me to believe him.
…whut? He’s making me feel bad because I haven’t let it go.
Post # 4
Member
9522 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Eh, I actually don’t see this as that bad. The first convo happened last August, so you two were only dating a couple months. Things probably weren’t yet fully established in the relationship. And then the second convo happened when you said yourself you two were going through a rough patch a year ago. I also don’t see what I would consider to be “emotional cheating” going on there — it seems like he was just talking about how he was feeling about your relationship.
And I assume there was nothing “worse” than these examples or else you probably would have posted it.
If you have trust issues with him now, just turn your engagement into a long one. You’ve only been together 1.5 years with a break in the middle, so I don’t see any reason to rush into marriage.
Post # 5
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
Yeah I’d feel a bit sad if I were you and found that. He hasn’t physically cheated? Or met up with her has he? I would be hurt but it’s probably not all that serious. It’s easy to get carried away behind a key board, I guess too especially if you were going through a rough patch. At the time if you we fighting it’s probably easy for him to get carried away and flirt. He did say “it’s all good” and that he will work it out. So are you two still together? If things are better and he has figured it out and still wants to be with you,and he hasn’t cheated on any other way, then if you still love him, I think you should try and work with it.
After I got engaged, a guy who i went to school with, who I hadn’t seen in a long time messaged me and said something like he missed out being with me! I told him i hope his then girlfriend doesn’t read that message! He is now engaged to her. Guys don’t think sometimes before they speak, or text!
Post # 6
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: September 2017 - Ceremony and Reception: Historic mansion on the water
He’s a man acting like a man with no ties at that point in time. You have to decide if he is truly trustworthy NOW to stay in the relationship and, if so, if you keep going back to the past you won’t be able to move forward. Seems to me like you don’t trust him still since you are posting text messages that happened almost a year ago. It is possible that your Fiance is now focused and commited to you and you only but if your instinct says something is wrong it probably is. Think hard and long before making a decision.
Post # 7
Member
17 posts
Newbee
LittleKBee: I get that guys can be flirty… the one I *really* feel crosses the line is the beginning of the conversation in photo 2 where he talks about muff diving (a bit more to the photo that I didn’t include) and then later goes to say at least I’m offering up something I’m good at. I don’t know. Maybe I am overreacting.
I just know that roles reversed he would be livid.
Post # 8
Member
17 posts
Newbee
together420: By no ties do you mean not in a relationship? Bc we were definitely in an exclusive relationship at that point.
You’re right. I don’t think I do trust him. There are still alot of things in the past that hurt to this day.. he has said and done some things when he was drinking that to me, will never be okay in my books.
He keeps pressuring asking what my decision is but I definitely need to think it through. Thank you
Post # 9
Member
9522 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
saracatherine: Sorry but as I said above, I definitely think you’re overreacting. There really is nothing worrisome about the last conversation from a cheating standpoint. Seems like he’s just talking to a friend about he was feeling. Could have been a dude he was talking to and the conversation would have been the same.
And like I said, the first one (even if it did involve some sex-related talk) was only a few months into dating. Sure, you say you two were “exclusive” but it sounds like you guys were living far away and not seeing eachother too often, so even if you were technically “exclusive” he might have not felt like it was completely serious at that point.
I’m usually all for Bees leaving their cheating SOs/FIs/DHs the instant it happens and never look back, but I just don’t think this is that big a deal here and would be inclined to give your Fiance the benefit of the doubt.
If it’s a big deal to YOU, you need to figure out why (it sounds like you already know — it’s because of your trust issues with him) and then try to see if that can be worked on.
Post # 10
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
Whether or not things were peachy keen or tough, if you were together he should not have been discussing his muffins diving skills or what she likes in bed. The rest isn’t that bad to me but he sexual aspect wous break my trust and I don’t think I’d be able to get over that… not without some serious communication and effort.
Post # 11
Member
608 posts
Busy bee
He sounds lovely… May I ask, why do you want to marry him?
Post # 12
Member
9540 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Eh. I certainy get why you would be upset reading this stuff. But given the timing and what was said, I’m not sure that it’s a huge deal, either. This is why you shouldn’t go digging through stuff, especially for things in the past. The first conversation is flirty, but not what I wold consider cheating, and it was early in a long distance relationship. The second isn’t pleasant to read, but is just discussing the basics of the relationship in honest terms. I mean, I think it’s good to use this to talk to your guy about your relationship and see if aanything is going on with this girl currently (assuming not since I’d guess you would have posted the most damning texts). But don’t go in, guns blazing, accusing him of cheating. I wouldn’t call any of this cheating. Maybe not the best behavior. And I would hope he has changed the sexy talk that was exhibited early in the relationship. But not cheating.
Post # 13
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
Seriously? You were only DATING a couple months, THIS was over a year ago!! Even you said you were in a rough patch and broke up for quite a few months.
LET IT GO!!!! It’s in the past. If he hasn’t done anything since, said he wanted to be with you, proposed to you.. Then you either have trust in him since then or you don’t. The information is irrelevant to your relationship now.
Get over it and move on.
Post # 14
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
I’m surprised everyone is cool with this. I’d be seriously pissed. Not necessarily for cheating reasons, but because I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would talk like that. It’s disrespectful and gross. And I understand that this was early on in the relationship, but I could never be with someone who had ever said that stuff about me at any stage. Just makes me angry. And the exchanging of naked pictures… did that happen during your relationship? I’d be out. I don’t care if it was at an early stage. If you guys had agreed to be in an exclusive relationship, then he betrayed you. I personally wouldn’t accept it.
Post # 15
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
ArcadiaRose: I also am amazed at how many people are OK with this. First, it went on for (at least) 3 months. Second, the last page is when they had been exclusively dating for 5 months. Trustworthy guys don’t do that when they’re in a relationship, it’s that simple. Third, he is still in contact with this girl. And fourth, he turned off his computer the other day to hide something, so I’d bet anything he is still talking dirty to her.
All this adds up to: he can’t be trusted.
I’d dump him. At the very least, this is way, way to early to be engaged.