- 7 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
Okay bees, I’m not new just undercover with no one to talk to who aren’t so judemental. This is probably going to be long since I’m really upset and tend to ramble, so let me apologize now.
Anyways my husband and I have been married since July, so not even a year, and he is emotionally abusive. He makes me feel like I will never be good enough for him. He tells me he’s not attracted to me then will say its a joke, has said I’m bad in bed, and has posted porn sites on facebook for all of my christian family members to see, which in turn embarasses me even more than it does that he watches porn.
Now I know I’m not a perfect girl, my breasts are small and largely uneven and I have horribly crooked teeth, and I’m super skinny so I have no curves what so ever, but it still makes me so upset to know that even though he loves me he prefers other girls to me. I do have braces now and will be getting reconstructive surgery later in the year, but now I don’t even want it because I feel like I still won’t be good enough for him. What’s the point of making myself feel better about myself if he’s just going to knock me down?
At the end of March he asked for an open marriage until he came home from deployment in August. Just 2 weeks before he came home on leave. I was against it and he said he knew I was sleeping around on him with a guy friend since he’s been gone, not true by the way, and it would just be easier so neither one of us will be lonely anymore.
My guy friend is my ONLY friend. My husband made me quit my job, said it was his job to support me, and all my friends and co-workers quit talking to me because of it. This guy friend is the only person who hasn’t made me feel worthless in my life at all. So yeah I find it hard to stop being friends with the only positive person in my life, but I did it anyways to prove to my husband that there was nothing going on between us and I have been 100% faithful. He asked again a few weeks ago if he could find some girl to mess around with for the next 2 months.
After hearing all this stuff about feeling down about myself for months on end, he finally comes home on leave and nothing has changed. He was still emotionally hurtful, I distanced myself from him and he wanted to leave me twice becuase I don’t respond sexually anymore. Well yeah he’s said some pretty awful things and that hasn’t made me want to sleep with him, he’s had to forced me into it before giving up and wanting to end our marriage.
I don’t know what to do bees, and I’m all over the place with this. We talked about things and he said he really did love me and wanted to be with me, that i was perfect for him just the way I am. He would give up on the open marriage and stop with the porn, he promised. ANd for a week or two things were fine, then we had this huge fight a few days ago about lending my parents money and he hasn’t talked to me since then. This morning I wake up and saw that he started posting porn stuff on facebook again.
I just want to give up, I’m tired of always being torn down, of him never telling me he loves me, or making me feel like all this pain I’m feeling is even worth it that things will work out in the end. I’m at such at loss.