(Closed) Emotional issues with DH during TTC

posted 5 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry he said some hurtful things to you.  Is it possible he feels partly responsible because of his sperm motility?  My Darling Husband has said the same thing about if it happens, it happens, while I feel like I would try almost anything, although we’ve already agreed on what we will or will not try in order to have a baby.  I think the good news is that he’s done some research and he doesn’t want to give up on your marriage.  I think you should just tell him what you’ve told us–that there’s never a perfect time for it, but you’d like to try sooner rather than later and reassure him that you don’t want TTC to tear you apart. And go for a walk.  🙂

Post # 4
Member
3755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I was thinking the same thing as poetryreader80 maybe he’s feeling down because of his low motility issues and responsible for the infertility. Maybe he’s afraid that IVF won’t work either. It sounds like he’s projecting his own stress/anxiety about TTC on  you and maybe doesn’t even realize how worked up about it HE is. It also sounds like he’s a little bit sad to let go of his child-free lifestyle. It’s not fair of him to put all of his stress and anxiety on you but I don’t even think he realizes he’s doing it. Any little bit of stress/anxiety you feel during O/AF he’s probably taking on to his shoulders as well. Would it be a big deal to wait until summer is over and just keep going the natural way for now? You never know, if you put the thoughts of it away for a little whlie, you might get lucky. And if you don’t, you know that IVF is an option in a few months?

Post # 5
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

OP, are you positive that your Darling Husband is 100% committed to being a dad at this point? The stuff that he doesn’t want to give up for IVF are likely things that he will either give up or reduce A LOT when he is a parent, and it sounds like he’s not really ready for that. I’m not sure if you guys have tried this already but maybe it w could be helpful to go to counselling to make sure you guys are on the same page?

Post # 6
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I definitely recommend some counseling.  It sounds like there are some issues on both sides regarding the infertility and a counselor can help you both communicate better.  Maybe he feels like a failure because his sperm doesn’t work.  Maybe he takes that out on you because he wants to feel better about himself and make sure some of the blame for the infertility is on you so it’s not all on him.  The fact that he is doing research about it means he still cares and hasn’t shut down.  I am surprised the RE didn’t recommend some sort of couples counseling when you first learned about the infertility issues.

Post # 7
Member
7405 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Does he know that he will need to give up a lot of clubbing/going out drinking when the baby actually gets here?  It sounds like he doesn’t want life to chagne at all.  Does he want a child?

Post # 8
Member
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I actually feel really sorry for both of you. I feel bad for him because it has to be super stressful to have mobility issues (I suspect that is the biggest hurt for him because he probably feels like a failure), he is stressed about having to give up things he loved for a while, and Father-In-Law moving in probably doesn’t help either. I also feel bad for you because you really want a baby (as does your Darling Husband it sounds like) and there are certain things you have to do to have success in this situation.I suspect you also feel some stress from Father-In-Law moving in and your husband being stressed out

 

I think both of you need to seek a counselor or talk through this with each other because you both have such strong feelings that are opposing each other. You need to understand that he is stressed and try to help him work through this and he needs to understand that this is a serious matter and that he needs to support you since this is a joint effort.

 

Post # 9
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@texasbee:  I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Are you positive that he is on the same page as you about having kids at this point in your lives? If TTC keeps taking a backseat to life, maybe it is not the top priority for both of you? Saying that he misses clubbing and the *fun* pre-baby lifestyle leads me to believe that he may not be completely ready to leave that behind.

I’m sure there is a lot of stress and pressure on you both and I’m glad that you are taking time to focus on your relationship as opposed to it being all BABY BABY BABY. That is liable to drive anyone insane. Have you guys thought about taking with someone, or maybe just having a big heart to heart about what you both need and want?

Post # 10
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds like your Darling Husband is stressed and not wanting admit how stressed he actually is and is projecting some of this stress onto you. I say go ahead with the plans and maybe find another friend or family member to vent to. Make an effort to do things with him without mentioning TTC while doing them and I’m sure things will work out fine. The process is frustrating and stressful, it sounds like your Darling Husband may not know how to handle it yet. Its good that he’s doing his own research on the side. I’m currently pregnant and can see how stress can suck the fun out of getting KU. The first month I stopped stressing is when it happened. Just remember to have fun together along the way!

Post # 13
Member
4574 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@texasbee:  I am sorry about all your issues.  It seems like you both are in different pages of your life.  You want a baby and are willing to stop “fun” stuff, so you can have this baby, but he, in the other hand, is telling you how misses doing fun stuff like clubbing and all.  I understand that fertility issues can ruin “some” marriages, but instead of him googling that kind of information, why doesnt he do his research on how to be more supportive to you.  You being emotional is not on purpose or hormones alone, its the sum of everything that’s happening. I am sorry again and like other bees said here, maybe counseling will help you both. GL

 

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