Post # 1
How do we all feel about this? Is anyone else in this situation?
Fiance is very very black and white. Things are either right or wrong, and someone is ALWAYS at fault when we fight. While he does believe that during a fight we both have responsibility, he’s all about the cause and effect of it.
This absolutely infuriates me. We don’t fight that often, rarely ever, and we’re talking and learning to be more communicative and listening better when we do. But last night it was like we were speaking two different languages.
Me: “I feel like you’re not listening to me, and it is a problem for me how you react when you get upset.”
Him: “You care more about the reaction than the thing that started the problem to begin with. Your feelings don’t make sense.”
Absolutely positively makes me see red. I don’t need him to always empathize with me, but to at least sympathize would be nice. I understand how he feels, how if it’s a black and white problem, it’s easy to fix and move on, but life isn’t like that.
Though he will swear up and down that it is.
Does anyone else deal with this? Seeing the world in a completely different way than your SO?
Post # 3
When Fiance and I met, he was very logical in his thinking and I was very emotional in my thinking. He’s an accoutant, I’m a teacher, it makes sense. Anyway, we acknowledged early on that we look at things differently. However, we’ve both made an effort to think about things from the other person’s point of view. After 2 years together, I can honestly say that I’m still an emotional thinker but I’ve become a little bit more of a logical thinker and vice versa for my Fiance. I think having conversations about these differences, respecting them, and figuring out how to deal with them is key.
Post # 4
Yep! We totally have this problem except in reverse. I am very very very logical and rational, even when I’m upset or hurt or angry or stressed. He is more prone to emotional reactions and arguments. And we infuriate each other. Obviously, you understand his point of view on this.
My point of view (and maybe your FI’s): The world IS full of cause and effect and if you can take the emotion out of a problem and deal with the problem then you can prevent it from happening again. And if you can rationalize out the issues, you can learn from them to help you in the future. When we argue, I want rational. I want logical. Because if your feeling isn’t rational or logical, you should be able to put it on a shelf and realize it isn’t rational or logical, and thus it should be changed. I don’t think that people can be expected to predict or accomodate IRrational and ILlogical emotion.
So um… obviously, we have issues when we fight. 🙂 That being said. I do think that I am trying to be less stringent in the way I argue and realize that not everyone fights or thinks like I do. But I still have a hard time with it because it just seems like everyone would be so much happier if they would rely more on logic than emotion.
Post # 5
We are like that, often when we are talking we need to explain things to each other so we are both on the same page. S is pretty much black and white. If I have a problem, or I’m upset, he doesn’t always understand that I just need a hug and a chance to vent, he stresses out about how to fix the problem that is upsetting me.
I think you need to have ‘fight rules’ You need to modify the rules to suit your relationship. These are our household rules for fighting that we discussed when we first moved in.
1. Don’t raise your voice.
2. No swearing at each other.
3. Bring the issue up ASAP, don’t wait till it becomes a big problem.
4. Use ‘I’ Statements. (eg. I feel upset when you forget to to put the trash out and I have to do it, rather than, ‘You never remember you take out the trash! I always have to do it!)
5. If you feel yourself getting too upset, leave the room to cool off.
6. Its ok to go to bed angry, as long as you make a time to talk the next day when you have calmed down.
Maybe making your own set of rules would help?
Post # 6
I don’t think he sounds at all logical. Try this extreme metaphor, if person A call person B’s mother names… that’s wrong, but if person B reacts by pulling out a gun and killing A… that is very very wrong. So um, cause and effect sure but also person B choose to behave in a way that was very wrong and wronger than person A and can’t really excuse himself by saying, A was in the wrong!
How does it not make sense to have a reaction to how someone treats you? It would be illogical not to!
And in fights, IMO, usually 2 people are in the ‘wrong’ not acting ideally, only occsionally is it one person’s fault.
Post # 7
I’m a very, er, non-emotional thinker. And there have been a few times where my husband says to me, “you’re being a stupid girl. Stop and think for a second”. Sometimes it’s easy for the emotions to be irrational in comparison to the actual thing you’re upset about. At least, for me, that’s how it is. Am I really upset? Or am I just in a crappy mood and getting carried away? I usually try to dissect WHAT i’m upset about before we discuss it. If I’m too mad to think straight, i walk away, cool down, collect my thoughts, then return to the situation.
Corgitails pretty much took the words out of my mouth =]. I am EXACTLY the same way and so is my husband. Needles to say, we don’t have too many emotional flair ups. If we do, he pretty much sees it and once i calm down, i realize i wasn’t thinking straight.
Post # 8
Fiance and I are the same. I’m very emotional and he’s very logical. We used to have HUGE blow ups the first few years we were dating because we couldn’t see each other’s point of view. Usually when I’m upset there’s a deeper issue at heart rather than “I’m sad you were so late for dinner” or whatever. It’s probably “I’m upset you’ve been working non-stop for 3 weeks and I miss you” but it takes Fiance a little while to peel the layers back, LOL! He’s pretty good at reading me by now though. So I think he’s learned that with me, he has to look for underlying causes. BUT for me, I’ve learned to just sort of shut the emotions off, I don’t know how else to explain it. If he makes me angry or if he comes home from work in a bad mood, I just try to stay in black or white about things (trying on his mindset!). I’ve also found if he makes me really angry or says something I find really offensive I tell him I don’t want to talk to him anymore and that I’m done with the conversation until he’s ready to talk rationally. The few times I’ve done this it’s shocked him so much he’s walked away and came back five minutes later apologizing. I think sometimes guys say things to get a response and if you don’t give it to them they don’t know what to do, LOL!
And of course, there are certain things that I want him to sympathize with me about, but I know he won’t, so I’ll just talk to a girlfriend about it instead 😉
Post # 9
@ejs– i agree about analyzing why you’re upset. I didn’t mean to say that I never get irrationally upset, but it just never turns into an argument because I think okay, what did HE do that is upsetting me? Is it really ok for me to be mad about that or am I just pmsing/cranky/tired/mad at my mom/etc. then i can be like ok its not him, i’m just pissy leave me alone to sulk an hour and i’ll be cool. 🙂
Post # 10
Haha I just have to laugh at the topic…it comes up so often- he even uses the word “but isn’t this just more logical” So precious… Anyway we run into this all the time, but what I’ve learned from others and just observing marriages is that over time you get to know each other so well that you are able to understand what they are saying without picking out HOW they are saying it because you understand them. This makes arguments or discussions like these so much easier because you also become more effective in how you communicate what your feelings are.
Seriously- I love the challenge of finding harmony between two COMPLETELY opposite people and in my case very much alike too.
Post # 11
@Corgi, YUP! “Babe, go downstairs and play videogames or I’ll chew your head off”
That’s me, emotionally dealing with my feelings, haha.
Post # 12
I definitely am the emotional one and he’s the logical one. Like, sometimes I’ll be stressed out or upset about something that either doesn’t have a solution (to which he say “so why worry about it?”) or something with a solution which is hard or unpleasant (to which he says “yeah, but you just do what you have to do, no use getting upset). He sometimes doesn’t understand why I “waste energy” being upset about these things, where as I don’t really see it as me choosing to be upset- I just am.
The thing I always end up telling him is “You don’t have to understand why this is upsetting to me, you just have to know that it is, and show me a little sympathy.”
It’s easier for me to deal with him when he is upset, because all he usually wants is to figure out a logical solution. So I guess I’m the lucky one, I have it easy. He has to deal with all my illogical emotions 😉
Post # 13
He says that his really strong insistence on this is leftover from Army days, that when faced with adversity you look at the facts and take your feelings out of it. But since he’s normally so…more than I ever would have asked for, the juxtaposition between normal him and angry him is so, so harsh.
He doesn’t believe in “rules” for how we fight, he says if you eliminate the causes of the fights, then the rules aren’t necessary. I say if he could not be so x,y,z about it, then things wouldn’t be so stupid. Because seriously, last night? We started fighting about “Grey’s Anatomy.” I am embarassed to admit that, but there it is.
I guess I’m just feeling lousy, he’s at a court hearing this morning, formalizing the custody arrangement between himself and his ex for when we move to Arizona, and as soon as he gets back, we’re supposed to leave for a weekend in Niagara Falls. I know that the stress of the hearing (not that I have a reason to be anxious, I just am), the move (in three weeks!), the wedding, and his wisdom teeth last week (from which he did get dry socket), I’m drawn pretty tightly. I was looking forward to going away with him this weekend, and we can probably still have a great weekend…I’m just feeling a little raw still after last night.
Post # 14
The idea that you can eliminate all fights – is possibly the most illogical and counter factual thought I’ve ever heard. 🙁 I would try to point out to him all the ways in which he is being illogical.
But uh, maybe not right now while you’re both so stressed. Maybe for now you just need some time relaxing and being nice to each other and later it won’t seem so important and you can compromise.
But for later, the idea that because one day you will superced all other human beings and never fight you should not have rules for fighting now in order to protect your relationship is baloney.
Post # 15
Luckily we’re both very logical people. We have no problem separating that emotions are valid though – we just clarify “I know that you did everything right, but I’m having a _____ day, and this hurt my feelings.” or whatever. It helps a lot because we admit when we’re wrong but also concede to the other if they need some pampering.
We get pretty heated in arguments, but that’s just the people we are. We like arguing and rarely take it personally. We’ll debate things that we’re on the same side of, with one of us playing devil’s advocate just because it makes life more interesting.
I have to say, though, I get where you’re coming from. I hate arguing with emotional people. My mom and I barely made it the 18 years I lived at home. She is not logical at all and it drives me crazy. I’m guessing not in the way you mean, more in the way that she lets her emotions rule her even if I can sit down and prove her wrong. And then she just cries. And cries some more. Of course, then I feel like a b*tch because I’m not crying or upset in the least. For instance – my parents made a decision the summer I went off to college that they were going to change how much they had said they’d pay for. They had been willing to pay for 1/2 of my rent my freshman year, but decided that they’d rather help with tuition. I understood that, but it was daunting and it meant that I had to work two jobs, one of which is for R’s parents. That meant (and still means, even though I’m just working the one job) that I am really busy. Well, we constantly have arguments where my mom says, “you love your Future In-Laws more because you see them all the time and they’re helping you with school!” she gets mad at me when I work, etc. That kind of thing is what I dealt with my entire life and I can’t stand it.