Post # 1
If you see my previous post, my mother is a classic narcissist, and has been incredibly emotionally abusive. SO and I may be getting engaged in a few weeks (!!!!!) and I want to post on social media our engaged status (with something like “love conquers all”) because we’ll be 30, are hardworking people who love each other so much, and have endured hell and back from my mom, to get where we are today (my mom repeatedly asked what he had that she didn’t, and repeatedly angrily said “I wish he were someone else! I can and have a right to wish that, don’t I??” this year (and we’ve been together over 3 years!) We have gone no contact with her for the past 3 months+ and it’s been amazingly wonderful, and all our friends are so happy and rooting for us and the people we’ve become.
Since my family lives all across the globe, I was going to do a brief facebook announcement (they live in 4 different time zones and only go on facebook). My best friends–I was going to email/text/phone them beforehand. I figure, if my mom was this hostile during the 3.5 years, she doesn’t deserve to be a part of our life, and she doesn’t deserve to be at a wedding where she won’t honor our vows, respect us, or love us as we are. And there are plenty of my friends who will love and support us–I say invite and announce to them instead. Thoughts? What did you do? (NOTE: my mom’s not on facebook at all).
Post # 2
I would go ahead with what you’re planning. Especially since she’s not on Facebook, have fun announcing it there and celebrating your engagement!
I do think it’s kind of rude for her to hear it second hand since she’s your mother, HOWEVER if she’s been toxic to you to the point that you’ve needed to cut her out of your life, then I wouldn’t feel too bad about it. Giving birth to you does not give her the right to be emotionally abusive or controlling of your life. You’re an adult, and you have every right to cut out that negativity.
Congrats on your upcoming engagement and best of luck!
Post # 3
If she can’t be happy for you and will only cause drama and stress I would probably keep myself distanced.
However I would also probably tell her personally that you are engaged. It sounds like either way shes going to be a royal pain in the butt; so she might as well hear it from you. And if she starts her crap tell her you made up your mind and you just wanted her to hear it from you. She doesn’t have to like it or be involved if she can’t be happy or support your marriage. I would honestly suggest family counselling and see if she can be made aware of her behaviours and why they are unhealthy.
I don’t know her obviously but she sounds like a real peach. I feel she will find out from someone else either way. It would probably be better coming from you but of course it would be more stress for you. However since you are even questioning this, it makes it sound like you kind of want a healthy relationship with your mother. In which case, maybe you could tell her the only way she can be involved is if you both do family counselling together to try and figure out your differences.
Post # 4
I know this is going to sound harsh, but just because someone gave birth to you and raised you, you arent obligated to keep them close to you if they are toxic.
Example, I wrote my father out of my life because he is toxic and verbally abusive. Grieve the relationship that is now lost (or in my case never was) and move on. Get in touch every now and again but dont let her drain you. Life is too short for that. You deserve happiness
Post # 5
carmensandiego38 : If you’ve been no-contact and it’s working out well, I would keep up the no-contact. Reaching out to tell her personally about your enagement is just re-opening a channel for her to do what she’s always done. She’s been abusive and toxic. A natural consequence of that is, she gets to hear about your engagement 2nd or 3rd hand. If she was a decent person who treated you right, you would tell her in person, but she’s not. That’s not your fault. Of course she’ll be mad and hurt but that’s what happens when you don’t treat people right. I wouldn’t worry about it.
Post # 6
If you are no contact, then just do your thing. I have limited contact with my mom. (In the past it has been no contact.) So I texted her to let her know we were engaged. I told her after the wedding that we were married. She lives a long way away, but I still didn’t want her to know ahead of time.