Post # 1
If you see my previous post, my mother is a classic narcissist, and has been incredibly emotionally abusive. SO and I may be getting engaged in a few weeks (!!!!!) and I want to post on social media our engaged status (with something like “love conquers all”) because we’ll be 30, are hardworking people who love each other so much, and have endured hell and back from my mom, to get where we are today (my mom repeatedly asked what he had that she didn’t, and repeatedly angrily said “I wish he were someone else! I can and have a right to wish that, don’t I??” this year (and we’ve been together over 3 years!) We have gone no contact with her for the past 3 months+ and it’s been amazingly wonderful, and all our friends are so happy and rooting for us and the people we’ve become.
Since my family lives all across the globe, I was going to do a brief facebook announcement (they live in 4 different time zones and only go on facebook). My best friends–I was going to email/text/phone them beforehand. I figure, if my mom was this hostile during the 3.5 years, she doesn’t deserve to be a part of our life, and she doesn’t deserve to be at a wedding where she won’t honor our vows, respect us, or love us as we are. And there are plenty of my friends who will love and support us–I say invite and announce to them instead. Thoughts? What did you do?
Post # 2
My mother isn’t as bad as yours but we do butt heads a lot….she can be selfish and very childish sometimes so I totally get where you are coming from. But I’m a bit confused though…if you cut your mom out of your life, why would the announcing matter? Are you worried she’s going to see it and then try to come back into your life again? Delete her from Facebook and block her if you don’t want her seeing/posting negative comments.
Post # 3
block her on FB! Problem solved.
Post # 4
I’m not really sure what you mean if you are no contact. If you’re no contact, I assume you have her blocked and, if she finds out and tries to contact, you ignore her attempts as you would with any other contact. If any extended family tries to come to speak on behalf for her, you set boundaries and ask that they not involve themselves otherwise you distance those relationships.
Post # 5
I would call your extended friends and family friends who may still be in touch with your mother, first. Let them know how hard your decision was, but you’ve gone No Contact and would appreciate if they don’t mention your wedding to her. Then, you can make an announcement on facebook and limit it to just your friends who if they like or comment, it won’t show up in her feed.
Post # 6
carmensandiego38 : I’m of the personal belief to always CALL close family and friends about your engagement prior to posting on social media. But, with that being said, I would absolutely make sure that your mother is blocked on FB and post away!! FI and I have been dealing with very similar (dare I say narc) behavior from his sister, and we decided that we weren’t going to allow her to steal our joy during this special time – you shouldn’t let your mother steals yours either. Be proud of defying the odds and being happy. And if you’re mom cannot be supportive of your relationship, she has no right to be part of the engagement, wedding or your lives. Good luck to you both, and congratulations on your engagement!! xoxo
Post # 7
First, I want to say CONGRATULATIONS! Finding someone you want to spend your life with is a beauiful, wonderful thing. I wish you both every happiness and hope you enjoy this special time together.
So sorry to hear about your estrangement. I know how difficult it is. I’ve been in a similar situation and I’ve been No Contact on and off (but 95% off) for 5+ years. It’s messy. It’s difficult no matter how much you try to avoid it that someone who should love you is out somewhere behaving like she is. It’s ESPECIALLY hard for the first year. Time, experience, and therapy (HIGHLY recommended) help. I cannot stress how valuable a good therapist will be to help you grieve and build the skills needed to make sure the dysfunction stops with her.
That being said, I also know what it feels like to be worried about announcing big transitions. Estrangements usually come with collateral damage (family members “siding” with one party or the other, even if you try your hardest to keep relationships intact)…and that’s also very difficult. You’re probably going to find that even if you try to keep news from her (blocking, telling family not to tell her, etc, etc), she’s inevitably going to find out. She’s going to react however she’s going to react.
Your support system is going to be more important than ever. We all have very idealistic expectations about weddings that may make this particular event more difficult to navigate given the circumstances. You’re not alone. There are others out here navigating this kind of dynamic too. I hope that solidarity helps…it certainly has helped me.
My love and I are generally very private people, so we’re keeping the engagement quiet for awhile and telling our loved ones as we see them. We figure this will help us enjoy the moment more and make it feel more special for loved ones to be told in person (or over video chat, etc). It will end up on social media when we feel like all of the important people have been told and we’re ready for the reactions (both the good and the potentially innappropriate) from our wider circle, including the inevitability of the estranged hearing the news.
Same is going to go for the wedding itself. Like us, it’s going to be intimate. We’ve already discussed our elopement plans with the people we love so they expect it, and we’re happily having intimate celebrations seperately afterwards with those family members and close friends who want to share it with us. The engagement news and the wedding day, though…that’s going to be about celebrating the decision to create our own family.
Best wishes to you both and CONGRATULATIONS again!