(Closed) Encore Brides- Do you mind sharing why and if you have any advice?

posted 7 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Well the first time I got married, I was 17 and pregnant. A really poor reason to get married IMO. I grew up and discovered there was no way I could live with such a narrow-minded person.

With the second marriage, I married for LUST, which I confused for love. It’s easy to do. Making love hours every day tends to cloud the mind. Once I got my brain functioning, I discovered the man was a financial idiot and I would be penniless if I stayed with him. You know the type – the ones who have the paycheck spent on stupid stuff within a day and bills are piling up, unpaid.

I am hoping for better results this time Yes it is my third time!.

I really think it is essential to really spend a sufficient time with your inteneded before making the big committment. You have to go through a few tricky situations, see each other when angry to see how the other deals with the stressful situations that arise in life. I also HIGHLY recommend observing the social structure of the intended’s family – it often provides an important clue as to how situations will be handled during married life.

Post # 4
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I married the first time because I felt like it was the natural next step for us. We had broken up after 2 years of dating, spent about 9  months apart, and then got back together. We saw it as our “sign” to get married. We had our first child about 1.5 years into the marriage. We had always had a very friendship oriented realtionship. From day one we were friends, cutting up and having fun. This carried into marriage. But we couldn’t survive on fun and surface level communication. So we started to drift and he wouldn’t open up to me. I started to resent him. Our faith and priorities started to become mis-aligned. It was important for me and our family to do our parts in church and social activities, and he wanted to stay home and hide. He would not communicate with me on a deep level. I asked him to go to counseling. He said it was for the birds. So I did some soul searching one day and asked for a divorce. He said he wanted it too, but that he would have never said or asked for it. So I knew it was the right thing to do. 

 

We have a great relationship now. We are friends, just like we had always been all those years. We never advanced to anything more. Our daughter is the main show!! She is loved by all the families. He loves my Fiance, and I am going to be meeting his new girlfriend in about a week. Hopefully we will all be able to hang as a family. 

Post # 6
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@roxy821:

Youre welcome! Thanks for the kind words! I think that what you and your husband are going through is natural. You guys are figuring out your roles. Figuring out life together as a unit. I recently picked up a book by Gary Chapman. It’s called “Things I’d wish I’d known before we got Married. It’s by the same guy that wrote the Five Love Languages. It’s a great read so far and it seems to address these same things that you are possibly going through. I read a few chapters and was like “Hm. That sounds a bout right!!” Maybe check it out!

Post # 7
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I just wanted to say that I think that this is a great post.  🙂

@KT808:  Your advice about watching family dynamics is spot on.  

Post # 8
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m not an encore bride, but I just wanna say that the first year of marriage is tough. Darling Husband and I didn’t live together before so it was difficult adjusting to sharing a home. One of our most frequent arguments was over who does more around the house. We’ve finally found a system that works for us. I make dinner, he does dishes. He does the laundry and out door stuff, and I clean the house once/week.  And if we have time, we’ll help each other. We’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not always gonna be 50/50, and that’s ok.  

I think what you’re experiencing is normal. Pick your battles, and know you’re not the only one going through this. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m not an encore bride, but someone recently lent me The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and it was a fabulous book! So many examples were given in it of marriages about to end, and how the woman was able to change how she treated her husband and found herself shocked at the results!
(It basically comes down to… Women are incredibly complex. Men are relatively simple to please. Men also just want to please their woman. So why do women have so much trouble?)

Post # 11
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

great post!  I am very recently engaged after being together for more than 3 1/2 years.  When we met, we both said we were not interested in getting married ever again.  My first marriage ended in divorce, he cheated but there was just a lack of respect there as well.  I do have to point out that always worked full time and then after having my three sons we decided that we could afford me staying home.  I do think that decision played a role.  I was a mother first and foremost and a wife second and he couldn’t deal with that.  My not bringing home $ played a role as well as we lost some of the balance there is in a relationship when two people are contributing equally.

I will always work and contribute now.  My fiance is supportive, loving and affectionate.  He is there in ways my former husband wasn’t.  He is a GOOD man and treats everyone with respect.  I am only doing this again because I am with him.  He is the reason I have faith in marriage again.

My advice is faith, therapy if you need it to figure out how to communicate and beyond all else respect for one another.  Congrats newlyweds!

Post # 12
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I married at 19-20, was pretty adamant about getting married religiously. I met a Marine and we dated for a month before he was about to get shipped out to Iraq. We got civilly married as an insurance policy, but played it as an engagement to everyone. Bad move. It should have been obvious that if I’m able to call him my husband to coworkers and fiance to family, something’s wrong.

We were planning for a religious ceremony, but after he got discharged he abandoned me. I was about to graduate college, and he moved out a few months prior. He came to visit me after I asked where he moved to. He said that he was divorcing me. He told me this after sex, while I was still naked in bed. Then he left to go to whatever errand he had planned for the night. I figured that he was cheating on me.

That was the worst mistake of my life, but I learned a lot from it. We didn’t have an actual wedding (with family, dancing, etc.) But this time around, I know I’ll do it right because I’m with the right person.

Post # 13
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think the basis for a good marriage is communication.  And if you can’t seem to communicate with the other person, to be able to BOTH work on it.  A relationship is between 2 people.  If only 1 person works at it (or thinks is the only one working on it), then it will fail.

I was married for 20 years the first time… the first year I had alot of trouble, and went to counseling.   The counselor actually told me she felt our marriage was a mismatch… but I was determined to make it work.  My ex forbade me to ever go to counselling again.  So 20 years of working at it, trying to communicate and constantly felt I was the only one trying… he kept saying he was so happy and nothing was wrong, and couldn’t understand that I was not happy.  Later when I asked for a divorce, he actually was suprised and then wanted to “try” and was mad at me because I was done trying and didn’t give him a chance!

Communicate

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