(Closed) Encore/ Divorced gals… question

posted 7 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@vmec:  I had doubts in my first marriage, and I should not have gotten married in the first place.  My mindset was “I’ll just get a divorced when it’s over”.  These are not good thoughts to have when thinking of your impending marriage.  So my advice I guess to those bees who are actively waiting for the ring or who have it and have doubts is to take some time and really think about what you’re doing.  If you have doubts, then you have them for a reason – there is a difference between doubts and the typical cold-feet/anxiety.  It’s important to separate the two and realize when you need to slow your roll.

Post # 4
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@vmec: bad decisions and my ultimate “rebellion” against my mother.  I was pregnant and wanted to do the “right thing” and a month later I left the rotten situation for a not-as-bad one.

I’m not with my Fiance and happier than ever.  With my Fiance it was a matter of “rules? what rules?  that book got thrown in the river in WVa on the way back to VA”.  The anniversary we celebrate is Dec. 24th and we’re getting married next year.  We’ve got a daughter together, each of us have a son from a previous marriage, and we’ve been living together for a year.  (Two, if you include him going back every couple nights to another city to be with his son who graduated last year.)

I had doubts about my first marriage and, well, my Fiance is stuck with me for better or worse.  And I’m pretty much stuck with him, so it works out. 😉


My opinion is: I waited EIGHT YEARS to marry my Fiance.  If I can wait that long, and I’m anything BUT patient, the other girls can wait also.  IF they are certain of the man they want to marry.

Get to know your guy and don’t rush into it.  Enjoy being together, enjoying learning about each other and talk about EVERYTHING. from kids to cars to money.  Be prepared for arguments, tears, hell and high water.  And learn to compromise.  More than anything? Be CERTAIN of what you want, who you want, and what you’re willing to compromise/sacrifice to make it work.  

Post # 5
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Nice topic….

In my first go round I knew that I shouldn’t have gotten married. I felt pressured for the “have my family together” stigma b/c I already had a child with this man and really wanted to… have my family together. He, however, was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive and didn’t see where or how he should change…. ultimately I left for the benefit of my son.

I now just married an awesome man that is MORE than I could’ve ever imagined… really… I made a very specific list of what I desired and he’s everything plus more! The real deal DOES happen!… but it takes work, from you AND him =)

Now for those “in waiting”……

I would advise you to really look into yourself and place how you are: communicatively, respectfully, submissively, how you encourage, how you handle finances & adversity & correction… and place “you” next to the image you have of your DREAM marriage. Now ask…. Do I have in me what’s needed to make that? If you’re answers no them the guy you’re with probably doesn’t either…. b/c fact of the matter is healthy people aren’t with unhealthy people… and we attract a certain type of “spouse” that will fit with how we are… if we don’t match up with what we truly want then they don’t either… they match with the you you are now!

Start open communication about how you want to grow and see how they feel about that… you may find that they’re fine where they are and have no plans to grow out of bad tendencies or into good ones…

Don’t ever think you can CHANGE someone!… you can’t… you can help them but only if you two are helping each other.

For those doubting…..

This is where you have to ask what & why you’re doubting…. My Darling Husband now is an AWESOME man, loves me better than I could ever ask, and has a heart for God that enables him to stand by, support me, and build me up to be an awesome woman, wife, & mother… BUT there were many times that I had to stop and tell myself “he’s not my ex-husband”… he isn’t the same at all. I know that past romantic relationships bring baggage and with that baggage we have a tendency to treat our new relationship with the same types of reactions we’d had in our last relationships.

If it’s because of an insecurity that rooted in your last relationship just be open in communication with your SO and work through it together… which is great practice for a marriage b/c well you’re whole job together is to communicate and work through the trials of your lives together

If it’s because of a way that your SO is now, then maybe some time needs to be taken to communicate and see if they want to change or grow with you… if they see your stance and you two can grow together to better yourselves then awesome…. you’re already on your way.

Otherwise…. don’t stay in a relationship that you can’t grow in… It will unlikely turn out well and unless you’re one to persevere through that kind of long suffering, you will most likely end up more damged, bitter, resentful, angry, or more insecure,and then leave anyways.

Marriage is a big deal, and has consequence… either bad or good. Take heart in it’s seriousness and avoid what will give you a bad consequence at all cost it’s worth the time, effort, and waiting to get what’s deserved for not just you but your one day SO =)

Post # 6
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m genuinely scared to read the “We were in love and it was so great for years and then it all just fell apart” answers because shit, that can happen to any of us. 

Post # 7
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@ohheavenlyday Not really…. nothing all of a sudden happens… It takes 1 to be totally checked out, in denial, or shut down to communication for that “just fall apart” to happen… you work, he works… IT works! =)

Post # 8
263 posts
Helper bee

I am in the middle of a separation.

I did not have any doubts – but I knew that my SO did. I was so sure that he was the person who I wanted to spend my life with that I got excited and talked marriage with him. He got excited too, but while we were planning, I wondered so many times if I was pushing him towards it too much. I tried to ask him on several occassions if he was sure he wanted to go forward, but he always brushed the topic off.

Six months after we got married, it all fell apart, and he finally admitted that he felt like we rushed into things, that he didn’t realize “what marriage meant” (i.e. didn’t ever consider FOREVER and that it would be hard work) and told me he had been seeing someone else for 3 months. I was/am devastated.

I think it’s stupid to rush to get married. I think we were stupid.

You have your whole lives ahead of you. In the grand scheme of 50 years, what does 6 or 12 months, taken to be sure – both of you – really matter? For that matter, why marry someone who isn’t as excited to marry you as you are to marry them? In retrospect, it’s just asking for trouble.

Post # 9
263 posts
Helper bee

@runsyellowlites: I thought like you, which is why I thought even though we got married quick, we could still make it work.

Problem was, he decided he didn’t want to do it anymore. You can’t control his emotions, reactions, decisions, only your own. So sometimes it does just fall apart, outside of your control.

Post # 10
7422 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I did not have any doubts when I married my first husband.  We were pretty happily married for 8 years before he cheated on me and left me for another woman.  And REFUSED to go to counseling.  Were there problems beforehand?  Sure- but every marriage has some.  Nothing that we could not have worked out IMO.  It was the infidelity that killed it ultimately. 

The things is (and this has been said soooo many times before)- is that the man that you divorce is not the man that you marry.  As in, I married a pretty good guy who loved me and was faithful… but the guy I divorced was anything but that.

So yes, I’m sure there are some people who have doubts etc., but for some people, spouses and circumstances change and that is what leads to the divorce.

Post # 11
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@ohheavenlyday: Well that’s me!

I never doubted my first marriage at all. I was in love and had been for quite some time.  We ended at 7 years of being together (5 married). I just fell out of love. I think we were too young. We changed so much in that time and just were no longer on the same page. We didn’t argue or fight anymore than normal couples but for the last year or so, I knew that I didnt’ feel the same.  We were sitting outside drinking beers and relaxing just like any other normal summer weekend and I heard this question: “You don’t love me anymore do you?” I didn’t even shift my eyes from our backyard, I just continued to stare out and I answered, “No I don’t”. We both sat quiet for quite sometime and then eventually there were tears which turned into anger. 

After that I didn’t think that I would ever get married again, I had multiple relationships that ended due to me saying no to a marriage proposal. However, with Darling Husband I never doubted it or questioned it. Now don’t get me wrong I did have cold feet, but probably the normal amount that anyone has.  I didn’t go into either marriage thinking they would end. I’m more realistic though in what could happen, and at this age more willing to fight to keep it together, if that makes sense.

Post # 12
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011


Oh my goodness. What a sensitive subject, but I agree with everyone; doubts plagued me. You may be able to make a marriage in spite of these, but its dang hard to. I tried to, but it didn’t work for me.

Post # 13
3142 posts
Sugar bee

I wanted to add a flip side comment.

My Fiance is divorced.

They married because they fell in love like most couples. Were married a year and started trying for kids, and she had two miscarriages.  That kind of changed who she was.. Like she started wanting to go out and party during the week, etc. and stopped supporting him as a husband.   The final straw was when she was supposed to pick him up at the airport from a tour in Afghanistan, she hadn’t seen him for 6 months. She never showed up and wasn’t even home when he got there by cab.  She was at a ‘friends’ BBQ hottub party and came home at 6 am with wet hair.  This friend was a man.  A man she is now living with.  A man she is now living with in a home bought with money she put in a secret bank account while living with my Fiance the last year or so.  Btw.. she is Military as well, so it’s not like she didn’t know what she was getting into with marrying in to it.

So I agree that even though you can be head over heels for each other and that marriage might be right at the start, life can get in the way and change it all at any time.

I am really thankful that Fiance isn’t jaded against marriage from his experience.  But it does scare me that it’s possible we could suffer the same type of fate.

Post # 15
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I had doubts…a lot of them…but I was only 19years old and had been with him for 3 years and it was just “time” to do it. I shouldn’t have….after moving to VA to be with him while he was in the Navy and having our daughter, he ended up cheating on me after just one year of marriage. We officailly seperated right before our 2nd anniversary. He ended up marrying the other woman.

With Fiance, I’ve known since the moment I met him that he was the one. We have been together a year next week and have been enaged for 5months. We just knew. We both did. I could be the fact that I’ve waited 10years in between my marriages to really learn who I was and what I wanted? I have no idea why he and I work together so beautifully. But, it does and I have zero doubts going into this marriage.

For me, age and maturity played a huge role in my decisions now and then.

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