(Closed) Encores, have you found your relationship boundaries/choices are different now?

posted 10 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I do have boundaries, but for me its more about knowing what to look for and what to ask, and listen for.  My ex had no problem with dropping the word "divorce" casually.  With Fiance, that’s not an option.  We also have talked a lot about our expectations.  Since Fiance was married for 17 years, he is great at working together to come to a solution, but he also knows when (and how) to tell me to back off when it comes to his son.  I am constantly amazed at how well we work together.  we know eachothers’ strengths and weaknesses and how to work together.  I think part of that is both of us being older (I’ll be 37 and He’s 42) and realizing what it takes to make a relationship work.

 

I know we will hit bumps in the road, but there’s no one else I’d rather walk with on it!

Post # 4
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Oh my goodness, are they ever different!

I knew my ex for a whopping 6 months before we were married – met him, "dated" him, married all within that time frame.  We didn’t talk about anything when it came to what we wanted or thought we wanted from life or marriage.

Turns out he didn’t want kids – NOT something you should find out when you are pregnant!  Turns out he really didn’t want to be married in the way I thought marriage should work – as two people working together for a united goal.  He wanted to stay him and never really become "us".  Divorce was ALWAYS an option in his mind.

NOW – that I’m "all grown up" I look at things so much differently.  C and I have been dating for going on three years and we talk about everything we want and expect from marriage.  We’ve talked about kids (1 or 2 depending on money), where to live (trying to get out of California), if I should work after said kids come along (we both agree that I should stay home), who does what arround the house (I’m inside, he’s outside and the garage), and many a conversation about money (we both suck but are working together to get better).

Neither of us is taking this lightly and we both agree that divorce is so NOT an option.  We are both really looking forward to being an "official" family and not a two seperate household family.

We’ve had some pretty big bumps over the past three years, and I know that we will make it through anythine else that comes our way.

It’s amazing how age puts things in perspective.

GREAT THOUGHT!!

Post # 5
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

I’m more easy going and I give in more.  My first husband put up with a whole lot of self-centeredness from me, and my expectations of what life would be like were very wacked.  I had no idea how hard the day-to-day adjustments and compromises would be.

Post # 7
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee

I love this post!  EVERYTHING is different for me.  I’m so much more aware of who I am.  Like sea otter, it’s more about knowing what to look for, listen for, and ask for.  I also learned that settling is not an option – and I’m so glad i didn’t!  We def had a BAM moment and feel like this is where we’re meant to be ~together~ I wouldn’t change what it took to get me here.  I wouldn’t have a "deal breaker" list or been looking for the same things if I hadn’t endured all I did.

Post # 8
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

My ex was definitely my trainer-husband. We were together for a long time, and our relationship was actually pretty great for the most part, but by the time it was over I knew exactly what I did and didn’t want. If our relationship had been worse, I think it would have been harder to be as specific about what I needed – because it would be so far off the mark in the first place.

 Anyway, yes! A lot has changed. I’m much more easy-going than with my first husband, but I think that’s mostly because my fiance and I are compatible to a ridiculous degree – my buttons just aren’t pushed as often. I’ve also learned to be more patient about the things that don’t matter, and *less* patient about the things that do. 

Most importantly, though, I’m just generally more assertive. I’ve learned to ask for what I need, and knock off those detrimental habits (passive-aggressiveness, anyone?) that damage a relationship. I feel secure, and I’m proud of who I am. Those go a long way toward a happy marriage.

Post # 9
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m such a different person now, my ex would not even recognize me. I’m much more me’, and it’s fascinating to me to be with someone who not only tolerates it, he embraces it. It’s given me back a lot of confidence that I lost. I now feel free to voice my opinions and concerns, knowing they will be met with an equal amount of force, instead of steamrolling me.

 I actually left my ex for Fiance, (long story) and am so happy to be right where I’m supposed to be. I am home.

Post # 10
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

It’s amazing but when you find true love so many little things that used to get you upset in your past relationships no longer do. It’s so amazing and wonderful, for both of us!

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