- 8 years ago
- Wedding: May 2012
I have never written to a forum like this before, but I am in such a desperate place emotionally, I would deeply appreciate feedback from people who can look at my situation objectively.
I will try to be a brief as possible in describing the circumstances that have brought me here:
My fiancé and I have been together for 10 years. There is a 13-year age difference between us, and our relationship has comprised all of my 20s (I turn 30 in May). Over the past decade we have struggled with many challenges: emotional and financial insecurity; communication style differences; episodes of depression (which we both suffer at times—the curse of the sensitive spirit, I guess); my persistent jealousy issues over the past two years (stemming from insecurity); lack of physical intimacy in recent years; over-involved family members who have wrought some significant damage through their occasionally passive aggressive behavior; and geographic separations totaling over three years (due to my education out-of-state).
We have met some of these challenges head-on, and worked through them to an extent, but it always seems like we never truly resolve things in a lasting way. The same issues keep cropping up year after year, and I wonder if we haven’t simply entrenched ourselves in habits of poor coping strategies. We are once again looking at living apart, as he plans to relocate to Nashville for work (he’s in the music business), while my job will keep me an 11-hour drive away. It’s difficult to consider couples counseling under those circumstances, just from a logistical standpoint.
Now for the major complications:
We already rescheduled one wedding due to his touring schedule. It was difficult and frustrating and stressful, but we managed to make alternative plans. Now our second wedding is only two months away, and I can’t shake the feeling that something is terribly wrong. I haven’t felt any real joy about this major life event, only anxiety. I don’t know how much of that is just my personality and emotional type (I tend to worry about a lot of things in life). Although we’ve been a couple for a long time, we only lived together consistently for two years or so, so it sometimes feels like the “serious” relationship is still quite short-lived thus far. I am so fearful of many things: Limiting myself personally and professionally because we *have* to live in one particular city for his work; I worry about compromising too much; I worry about making future parenting work when one parent might be gone for stretches of weeks at a time; I worry about financial insecurity—we are both very non-materialistic people, but I don’t want to struggle or worry about taking care of ourselves. My fiancé and I talked about this last night, and he feels anxious about it all as well. But he feels anxious about most major life decisions, so how can that be a good gauge? We aren’t sure the timing is right, we feel that outside factors are weighing too heavily, but we worry that our anxiety is tied up in momentary circumstances that will eventually pass.
M mother also admitted to me recently that she has been having nightmares about me in peril—falling off cliffs, spinning off the road in a car, being kidnapped—and she is unable to help me. She told me that she hadn’t wanted to say anything for fear I would be furious, but she thinks my marriage to P would be a huge mistake. She and my father love him and acknowledge that he is a good and kind man, but she feels that our marriage will deny me opportunities to truly explore the potential in my future. Despite this, she promised to respect our decision and be happy for us no matter what…but all I can think is that she will always be sad and disappointed if we do in fact go through with the wedding.
I truly love my fiancé and I know he loves me. We are best friends before anything else. This whole situation is heartbreaking for both of us, and we don’t want to make the wrong choice: cancel the wedding and separate; cancel the wedding and stay together with a commitment to work on our problems and consider marriage down the road; or have the wedding in two months as planned and hope for the best?