(Closed) End Engagement or keep trying?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@ruhroah:  The only way I’d stay is if he agreed to go to some sort of anger management therapy and then I noticed some progress.

I’d make it very clear to him that I am considering leaving.

No, this isn’t normal. Yeah, some unpleasant fights with yelling is normal, but the things he says are out of line. And storming off is really immature as well.

Post # 4
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I would end it up, that’s final.

In my opinion, nothing can justify being treated that way, nothing, no amount of nagging would justify it 🙁 I’m so sorry to hear you’re in a bad place right now. I would just leave… Do you really imagine a live with a man like that? imagine when you two have kids? 🙁

Post # 5
Member
3778 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ruhroah:  This is a scary situation. I once dated a guy in college who was never physically violent, just yelled a lot. Then after we broke up, I wound up in the hospital having emergency surgery to repair a hole in my small intestine after he punched me in the stomach. “Abuse” doesn’t have to be physical. It can be verbal, emotional, or financial too. Please read this list. Take care of yourself first. The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free number is 800- 799-7233.

The signs of an abuser are:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUSY: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble”; the abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: It’s always someone else’s fault if anything goes wrong.

(7) MAKES EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of, “I am angry,” or says, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND TO CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes you, or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says they made him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way” or “I didn’t really mean it.”

Post # 6
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

Please, please walk away. I know it’s scary to contemplate, but this is escalating violent behaviour and NOT acceptable. Someone who loves you will never treat you that way – never yell at you or call you names or hurt you. If it’s happening at least once a week now, when you aren’t tied together and someone he can potentially view as “his property”, I can only see it getting more frequent/worse after a wedding.

Trust me, divorcing someone is a LOT harder and messier than leaving someone and canceling a wedding.

Post # 7
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

@ruhroah: Fighting/arguing sometimes is normal, especially for young couples. His language might even be normal for you two. However, whatever you two consider “normal,” his reactions, pushing you down, and the names he calls you do not equal a normal relationship. I can’t tell you whether to end your relationship or not, because that’s not my call to give. But, I can advise that you encourage him to attend some sort of anger management course, in addition to a couples’ therapy course for the both of you to attend together. 

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

He sounds like a ticking time bomb about to explode at any time.  Question is when?  And will he take it up a notch and move from verbally punching you to physically punching you?  Based on the details that you just wrote out, you already know what the right thing is to do and what you need to do for yourself.  Re-read your post and you can pretty much answer your own question.  You should never be spoken to that way by anyone, but especially the man who is supposed to love you and protect you and value you for who you are.  Long answer short…as difficult as it may seem, yes, I think that you should leave.  I had to call off an engagement when I was 22 and I thought my life was over, but I can say with 100% certainty it was the best decision I ever made.  And it surprisingly didn’t take me all that long to realize it.  ((Hugs))  Just do what’s right for you!

Post # 11
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Just make sure you are safe!  Try seeking professional help.  It’s hard in situation like that because you can feel trapped.

Post # 12
Member
3778 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ruhroah:  In the cycle of abuse (yes, it’s a cycle) that’s called the Honeymoon phase. I don’t want to seem like I’m being negative, but the reality of the situation is that the violence will always come back.

Post # 13
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

This is a great article called Dont Marry A Screamer. You need to read it! Please break up with him. If you grew up in a house that this behavior is normal, you might not realize you deserve to be with someone who wil NEVER call you a name (even when you are acting like said name) or hurt you (no matter what you do). 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joy-chen/emotional-abuse_b_870627.html

Post # 15
Member
8146 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

The OP said he threw her down on the ice.  That goes far beyond verbal abuse– he is a batterer.

OP, please contact the DV hotline and learn how to make a safety plan for yourself

Anger management is not appropriate for abusers and couples’ counseling is downright dangerous.

You are in love with the man he pretends to be when he’s on his best behavior, not the man he is.

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