Post # 1
I had my heartbroken really bad by my ex boyfriend and in the past few months I’ve finally felt like the wounds have healed and I’m ready to date again. I’ve gone on quite a few dates over the past few months. I’m pretty picky and most of the guys I go out with I find to be either “okay”, “nice”, or I just don’t like them. I finally went out with a guy 1.5 weeks ago who I genuinely felt a connection with. We had so much in common, many of the same interests, and I just found him really interesting and he was pretty open about liking me as well. He also was doing everything right as far as being consistent about asking me out again, making a solid plan, and it just felt really refreshing. Anyways, our third date was last weekend. We had talked about some deeper things before (he was married for 4 years but they broke up because of her mental health), but never about kids. He ended up telling me that kids are not something he ever wants in his future. He is 100% sure about that. He has seen too many marriages end over kids and even has a friend who regrets having his children. He wants the freedom to travel, etc. It was a tough pill to swallow because I’ve never been totally “I NEED TO HAVE THEM” about kids – but I’ve always thought I would eventually. If it never happens for me, fine, but to be with someone who I know that would never be even an option with is scary. I’m also 32 and really need to take things like that seriously. Anyways, we had a great rest of the night. Yesterday he asked me out again, and I had to tell him that I really liked him, but I realize I do at least want the option to have kids in my future. He responded so nicely, saying he understands, and it sucks because he really liked me, and that he knows I’ll make someone really happy one day.
I think my issue is because I’m more on the fence, I’m wondering if I just ended something that could have been great. If he had even been like “i’m not sure” it owuld be different. Did i do the right thing? If so, why do I feel so badly?!
Post # 2
dellpro85 : the right thing to do isn’t usually the easiest thing to do. He is 100% against having kids, you’re more on the fence but you see yourself having them eventually. You got anxious thinking of being with someone who would lead you to a child free life
You listened to him, you heard him, and you were respectful of what he was saying. I’m sure it was an emotional decision which is why you feel upset right now, but it was the right thing to do.
You did the right thing
Post # 3
Definitely the right thing. Why pursue a relationship with someone who doesn’t want what you probably want? It would just be harder to break up later. On to the next!
Post # 5
Yes. You did the right thing. People often avoid doing the right thing because it’s often the hard thing.
Post # 6
dellpro85 : You did the right thing.
Post # 7
You did the right thing. When a guy wants kids, he knows it. You can’t compromise on kids.
Post # 9
I will chime in as well to say you did the right thing. You dont want to fall in love with someone who does not have the same desires as you about such a black and white issue.
Post # 10
Yes you did the right thing. You did the mature thing and saved yourself a lot of future heartache. Unless you want to be someone posting here two years from now telling us how you kept on dating him because you weren’t sure and thought you could learn to be fine with it but you can’t and now you’re wondering if you should stay and hope he changes his mind. And then we’ll all slap your hand and tell you this wasn’t a surprise and he was honest with you from the start and it’s so much harder leaving a few years in than a few dates in. Don’t be that person.
Post # 11
You both did the right thing
Post # 12
We’ve had bees who were upset about their SO’s not wanting kids even though that was made clear to them from the beginning….. to bees who’s spouses changed their minds about having kids. Trust me you don’t want those scenarios in your life. Both are pretty devastating for them to say the least.
You did what was right for you. Sometimes “right” isn’t easy but its way easier than the above scenarios.
Post # 13
You both did the right thing, Bee. Each of you expressed your feelings about kids, being your authentic selves. Being authentic is always right in relationships.
He did the right thing by being completely honest with you and not leading you on. That was his authenticity. He was gracious and emotionally generous in how he handled your conflicting ideas about children. I don’t know how he could have handled himself any better.
What that means, Bee, is that you were able to attract and recognize a man who sounds as if he has keeper qualities. It’s disappointing that he’s not going to be your person. It’s okay to feel badly about that. At the same time, celebrate how well your radar appears to be working. It will work for you again.
It’s a gift that you both discovered this conflict so early on. Kids are an absolute non negotiable. There is no compromise position available.
I am sorry that it isn’t going to work with this guy; but, give you props for picking a (seeming) winner.
Post # 14
You did the right thing. I had an exboyfriend who was dead set against kids. I didn’t think I even wanted another… until it was off the table altogether. I looked at it two fold… I wanted somebody who was okay with no kids, but if it was important to me would get on board. It wasn’t just the wanting no kids… it was also not caring what I wanted if that makes sense that was the issue for me. No issue with him or his feelings… I was grateful for his honesty, but it sucked that it meant we weren’t compatible.
Post # 15
Thanks all. I know it’s silly because it was only 3 dates. But it has been a pretty rough time dating for me – and I finally felt really excited about someone – someone who actually seemed really interested in me as well! So I think I asked this question because I’m like is it worth just continuing to see him, since I’m not 100% on kids, but I think you are all right. It’s just scary to have it be absolutely not an option, since we never know where life will take us.